Welcome to a new year, and a new Star Wars: Deconstructed post. I apologize for the great length of time between these posts. When I began this series, I was posting much more frequently and with greater enthusiasm. My enthusiasm waned, and with it the frequency, however, I have resolved to write at least one of these a week. Hence…
Star Wars Episode Two: Attack of the Clones (00.40.57-00.50.20)
Having received a wealth of good intel from his good friend Dexter, and some guiding wisdom from Yoda, Obi-Wan Kenobi finally set out to find the mysterious planet Kamino where he hopes to find the bounty hunter who killed the assassin who failed to kill Senator Amidala twice and find out just why she is wanted dead and by whom the bounty was set. He arrives, predictably, exactly where he expected the planet to be (00.41.14). Why he didn’t just head out there in the first place is a little mystifying, but perhaps the Jedi Council is stingy with their Jedi starfighters, and I suppose it is good to be sure of a destination before setting off on a journey many lightyears long.
Kamino appears to be like most of the other planets in the Star Wars galaxy: comprised of only one topography (perpetually stormy ocean) and one city. Either that or it has a really long rainy day and Kenobi found the right city purely by accident.
Once he lands, he is immediately greeted, and is “expected” (00.41.58). This is surprising to me. I know Dexter said that the cloners keep to themselves, but really, they wouldn’t have tried to check in with the Jedi Council about their order of clones at least once in over ten years? That seems really unlikely. I order something insignificant, and I get at least one email about it within hours, and I can check the progress of the order online. I can’t believe nothing like this exists in a galaxy as technologically sophisticated as this one is supposed to be, what with faster than light travel and lightsabers and all. In any case, the Kaminoan immediately assumes that Kenobi is A) a Jedi, and B) supposed to be there, and C) authorized to have any and all information about the cloning project. This also seems unlikely, but who knows what the privacy agreement is with an organization that is willing to go ten years without checking in with their clients. Kenobi manages not to give away that all of this ready information is completely and shockingly new to him, but I doubt his subterfuge is even necessary as the Kaminoans hardly seem to notice or care.
Lama Su, prime minister of Kamino, gets right down to business, even though there wasn’t anything else going on. At any rate, he wishes to immediately make up for lost time and tries to update his client on the status of his order. “Jedi Master Sifo-Dyas is still a leading member of the Jedi Council, is he not?” he asks and Kenobi gives him the bad news that “Sifo-Dyas was killed almost ten years ago” (00.43.18). See? that is why you check in with clients: they might die before the order is placed, or, in this case, right after it is placed. After all, why bother “building” a million clones (and spending the money to do so) if you don’t have to? I am assuming that Sifo-Dyas paid for the order in full ten years earlier, otherwise the Kaminoans are very stupid. Still, I suppose the way the Council operates, the order was at the behest of the Council, and not any one Jedi. Collective possessions and all, I guess.
But, after divulging all of his information, Lama Su assumes Kenobi would like to inspect the clones. Kenobi lamely covers his surprise with a “that’s why I’m here” even though he is actually there to find a bounty hunter (00.43.55). However, I give Kenobi the benefit of the doubt here because sometimes the best way to find what you are looking for is to look for (or at) something else and let the situation unfold before you.
Anyway, the movie shifts back to Naboo and Anakin and Padme. The film is now following two separate story lines with intercut scenes, but for the past ten minutes, and for most of the rest of the movie, the two plots have nothing whatsoever to do with each other. In fact, the Anakin/Padme storyline is completely useless. It barely advances the arc of either character, and it divulges no useful information by way of exposition. The only action of any consequence comes when Anakin murders an entire tribe of Tuskens, but that only reveals what is already inside of him: pure evil. This film is all about Kenobi and the plot to…create clones. There is no reason for any particular scene break, and to be perfectly honest, this part of the movie is really boring. The only reason it does get interesting is because a few fights break out, but they are short lived.
Anyway, the movie shifts back to Naboo and Anakin and Padme. They are arriving in their clever hideout at a favorite vacation spot of Padme’s. I find it necessary to remind my readers that Anakin and Padme are in fact supposed to be hiding from a deadly bounty hunter who has already tried to kill her twice. Each attack came when Padme was exactly where she was supposed to be: her landing pad or her apartment. It is absolute lunacy to expect that going to a third place she is supposed to be (her home planet and places very familiar to her, ie the Palace and Vacation Spot #1) would be a safe or even remotely advisable course of action. When there is an attempt to take the life of the President of the United States, he is immediately moved to an underground bunker at an undisclosed location, or is kept flying around in the sky somewhere in a jumbo jet surrounded by fighter jets. He isn’t kept at the White House, or Camp David, or his Chicago home. Because that would be stupid. Padme isn’t that important, but if someone is trying to kill you, the best option is to hide somewhere you aren’t supposed to be.
I belabor this point, but the easier thing to do is to state what is really going on here: Padme is perfectly safe. Why? Because Lucas is done with the assassination part of the story and has moved on to the love part of the story. Jango Fett has retreated to Kamino, and won’t bother trying to kill Padme ever again. Even Nute Gunray is waiting on Geonosis for Padme to arrive and then he lets Dooku try to kill her, and then he gives up trying. Padme is in absolutely no danger whatsoever because the writer of the story simply dismissed that part of the plot without resolving it, and acts for the rest of the movie as if it never existed. This is bad writing. This is excruciatingly bad writing. Every single bit of tension has drained from the movie.
Anyway…Anakin continues to be creepy. He creepily touches Padme, creepily tries to kiss her, there is an awkward half-completed kiss, and right as people are being weirded out, the scene shifts back to Kenobi looking at clones (even the music is awkward here). I wasn’t going to mention this, but if Padme is conflicted about her growing affection for Anakin and his obvious lust for her, she chooses odd raiment for a few days: very revealing come-jump-on-me clothes. Just saying.
Back on Kamino, Kenobi finally learns that a bounty hunter is in fact on Kamino and that his name is Jango Fett. I want to mention that the use of “host” to describe Fett is incorrect. Fett is host to nothing. Host is not a term used in cloning terminology.
Of note here: the scene where Kenobi emerges onto a balcony to see massive amounts of clones marching in unison is really the first scene of the Empire: helmeted, white armored soldiers. John Williams should have been allowed to use the Imperial March here, and not later at the end of the movie when this scene is repeated almost exactly when the awe of it is diminished.
Anyway, back on Naboo, Anakin and Padme take a picnic lunch in the middle of a massively open field during the middle of the day. See? I told you no one cares about an assassination attempt anymore. What follows is a bit of painful dialogue about Padme’s past lovers (something no guy wants to talk about), politics (something few lovers talk about on dates), and a ride on some sort of tick looking animal (which sort of falls into the “stupidly trying to impress the girl” category), and some rolling in the hay which just makes me go “what?”. Padme’s actions are completely incongruous to her words. No wonder Anakin is very “tormented” and sadly confused about her intentions. She is either supposed to be a bit of a sanctimonious jerk who leads him on maliciously, or she is badly written. I choose the second because it fits the emergent pattern in the Star Wars prequels.
And the scene ends with nothing much having been accomplished. Maybe the next ten minutes will be more…something. I really wish I could be more positive here, but even the special effects are bland and unconvincing (especially the tick animal on Naboo). There isn’t too much to hate, but there is nothing to love.
(00.50.20).
a simple man 