I’ve been more depressed lately. I don’t know why, except to say that depression ebbs and flows, like the ice tides on a long dead moon. Creeping first from one position, then settling in to a new orientation, pulled perhaps by a gas giant, or an old star, my depression changes from slightly happy to slightly sad and back again. Along the way, my energy also fluctuates. Sometimes I get things done, sometimes I don’t. It is extremely frustrating that I cannot count on my emotions or energy from day to day, or even hour to hour.
I did discover one thing that seems to be making a difference, at least so far, and helping me to have more get up in the morning: taking my meds at night. Damn things say right on the bottle “may cause drowsiness” and here I was confused as to why I was getting tired in the morning. I don’t know yet if that same drowsiness is kicking in and helping me to sleep at night, but I feel better pre-10 am than I used to.
Also, if you’ve been following along this year, I made a resolution, a pact with myself, to do more throughout each month. I’ve been keeping track of my progress mathematically and writing about it. I did well for the first half of the year, and then got off track when my apartment was invaded by bed bugs and I was forced to move. I also got a new job and have been using up what energy I had throughout the day working. My finances look slightly better, but my creative output has suffered.
I long to build things in LEGO, paint, take pictures, write, read: create. But between life’s fuckups and my own depressed nature, it is oh, so hard.
This was supposed to be my latest update, but I just can’t muster the energy to quantify what I haven’t done yet again. I am not giving up on those goals so much as I am giving myself the freedom to fail at being regimented about them. I am giving life space to intrude. I am not giving my depression reign, but realizing that it does have consequences that are out of my control. So now this will be my last update. Not an end, but a whole new beginning.
I’ve been reflecting on life and the nature of happiness all day since I watched Blade Runner last night and Blade Runner: 2049 this afternoon. (Both are good, solid science fiction films, by the way.) Both films are future noir and full of depressing things, but also strange hopefulness that comes through in unexpected times and in unexpected ways. I decided to wait for my own moments of joy and happiness without worrying about ticking boxes or running up numbers.
There’s now my new normal, which feels like an old, worn leather jacket. Comfortable, with just the right smell. I’ll put it on, look and feel great, and go about my day.
a simple man 