Into 2020

It is a new year, and a new decade. No surprises there.

I am unhappy with my life as it stands, and I think the only way to change that is to, well, change that.

I suffer from depression, social anxiety, and medication side effects for meds designed to help me with those things. Over all, I am a lot better on my medication than off, but the side effects aren’t usually helpful. Anyway, the depression and social anxiety cloud my mind and heart even with the meds, so it is just something I have to overcome.

Ordinarily, I love to create and make. I build with LEGO. I take pictures of my LEGO and my Star Wars action figures. I color, paint, and draw. I do other sorts of crafts. I write. But, when my depression is strong, I sit and stare at the wall (literally), or endlessly switch between social media apps on my iPad, even though no new content surfaces. I usually like to take pictures outside, but my anxiety flares up and I fear what others may think or how I appear. Taking pictures becomes something I avoid.

What to do? How to combat this? The feelings are often overwhelming.

Well, I will talk to my doctor soon. But beyond that, I want to have something in place I can see before me. An action plan to keep me on track and creating. It can’t be too rigid, or else I will do what I am wont to do and ignore it or just feel like a failure for not measuring up. So, something flexible.

So far this month, January, I get credit for sitting and thinking about my action plan and getting it ready to go. Besides, I haven’t been idle. In 2020 I have written three blog posts on this, my personal blog. I have also finished an audiobook review (to be published soon!) on a professional blog I contribute to, NerdSpan (as PhilRedbeard). I have built a LEGO MOC (My Own Creation), pictures of which are on my Instagram feed. I actually am very accomplished, but I don’t quite feel like.

But feelings aren’t always reflective of progress, and I need to remember that. Oh! That’s good. I might actually print that out and post it above my computer for inspiration, or better yet, paint it on one of the many canvases I now have for a more permanent reminder.

Beyond that, my action plan is shaping up nicely, and it is very simple: each week, Sunday-Saturday, I am to create. That means:

• Write a blog post.
• Write a poem or two.
• Paint something.
• Take a picture.
• Build with LEGO.

Rigidity and flexibility. I have 52 weeks in the year, same as anyone else, and, like anyone else, other things happen and I am not just sitting around. But, for each week, I add something to my world that wasn’t there before. I think that is doable.

I also have some larger goals for 2020. Things I have been wanting to do for a long time and want to make progress on. In no particular order:

• Start a podcast, either solo or with someone.
• I have two large LEGO builds in mind. Build them.
• Start and finish a 12 month photography challenge.
• Build a game.

I already have the beginnings of working on each of these five large projects. Pictures and ideas in my head. I just need to start implementing them.

I am optimistic. That idea above, “feelings aren’t reflective of progress” is huge to me right now. That just hit me as I was writing. I want to run with that idea, maybe make it a motto for 2020. I dunno, I don’t usually do mottos, but then, I don’t usually do new year’s resolutions either. But here I am.

Let’s do this, 2020!