Doldrums

Whew. It’s been a tough few weeks. As I write this, I am cognizant that compared to many people’s experiences right now in the world, I’ve got it very good. *gestures at Ukraine, Florida, the world*

My job cut my hours in half, taking me from a sustainable, if barely, job to a ridiculously low level of employment. I have been struggling to work out more than three times a week, and as a result have seen few gains in my fitness level and health that I can measure. Sleep is coming more readily during the day as I take more and longer naps when before I had been cutting back. Depression is looming in my soul.

My 52 Week Photography challenge continues; I am working on a painting; a new project is in the early stages (but won’t be realized most likely until the fall or next year). My body and spirit feel very run down. I’m exhausted.

Today I could barely muster the energy to work out, though I did make it all the way through. I am obviously writing now, but I feel that I am just going through the motions on other things. There is more I want to do, to achieve, to accomplish, but right now it seems a hill too high to surmount.

I need a new job, one that can’t or won’t arbitrarily cut my hours while also paying a sustainable wage that my current job isn’t. An interview for such a job seemed lined up, but then was made to disappear for reasons beyond my control. I loathe few things as I do job hunting, but it appears I need to be back at it. My family is depending on my financial contributions, and in the future I can see needing additional funds for things yet beyond the horizon.

Not long ago I wrote about how my life was going well and I was feeling contented and I was working on my projects and challenges consistently. That has ground to a slow progress. And I don’t know precisely why, though I have mentioned a few things that seem contributory. Maybe that is all it is? I don’t know precisely. I wish I knew how to combat this cyclical depression I am in, and am hoping that my current doldrums don’t stretch into a new gloomy existence.

Complaining is not my agenda. If that is how I come across, I apologize. Frustration is shot through what I am feeling. Can I get a break? or better yet: can I push through this wall, over this hill, to the next plain or plateau? I want to get above where I am currently, and not go backwards. In some ways, I have done precisely that. Awareness of how far I have come over last year at this time, or two years ago, reaches me. Having tasted a little of that, I want more, and find it bitter to sample regression.

The only thing I can see is to keep grinding forwards. I will look for employment elsewhere. I will take my pictures, write on my blog, prepare my projects, and sleep when I can’t bear to be awake. Even slow progress is progress, and I mustn’t forget that. Here again I offer a real look at where I am and what I am going through. Life and Depression ain’t all roses and sweet cakes. It’s exercise and slogging and setbacks in between triumphs and achievement.

I’m listening to the soundtrack to the 2016 science fiction film Passengers as I write, and it is both haunting and beautiful. Despite its flaws, I really like that film and this music is part of why. The score strikes me in a deeply emotional way, and the story of that film reminds me that even when things are terrible, wonder and amazement and a life are still possible. It just may not look like what I envisioned when I set out on my journey.

The word for my 2022 is still challenges and I guess I am seeing a few knuckleballs thrown at me right now. I thought that my challenges would be mainly artistic and expressive, but boy do other aberrations intervene in a smoothly running operation, too. Best grab my tools and get to fixing what’s wrong, get to overcoming the current challenges.