Endings

As I type, I have two shifts left at my current job: this evening, and tomorrow morning. I have been working at this current company, off and on, and to varying degrees, since October of 2014. I quit once before for about a year to work another job that, obviously, didn’t last too long. I thought then that I was done with them forever. But when the other job fizzled, and I couldn’t find another, I went back. I’m not sure that was a good decision.

Sure, it has been great to have employment, but it hasn’t exactly been steady, good, or well-paying. There are many things about this employer, and the job itself, that I don’t appreciate. I currently work six days a week, if not very long each day, and working on Sundays has meant missing out on many family and social events. I usually wake up pretty early to start a shift, and am working when my wife arrives home from her job. It is less than ideal on both sides, and I believe my sleep has suffered for years because of the too-early mornings.

That said, it was great of this company to give me a job again after I quit once, and while it hasn’t been good, it has sustained through seven years as an employee. A lot has happened to me in the eight surrounding years, to whit: I moved across country, reunited with my family, improved my mental and physical health, got married – wow, when I list it all out, it’s a lot. I have much to be proud of.

This current company gave me my first steady employment back in 2014. In the few years prior to that, I had graduated university, gotten married, moved across country, and promptly fell into a black depression that kept me from working, ended that marriage, and almost killed me. When my wife left, out of necessity I tried to get a job, and in fits and starts worked for three or four companies, but never for very long. Then I found my current job, and it was just what I could handle, and more importantly, it paid what bills I had once my ex’s spousal support ended.

I remember first working for them in a studio basement apartment with my little dog curled up in front of my laptop, in the dead of early, early morning. Then she would curl up next to me as I slept through the day to wake up in early afternoon to work the next shift, she again curled up by the laptop. That dog and this job sustained me though many dark days. For that, I am grateful. It kept me alive in more ways than one. I was at the job, working, when I heard that my beloved grandmother died. I took this job across the country when I moved, and have sat in many different rooms talking on the phone, which is what I do, basically. Life has passed me by while I’ve been working this job.

A feeling of inertia, of a powerless motion-less existence has followed me for awhile during the working of this job. Many people talk of “dead-end jobs” and I would categorize this as one of them. There is no advancement, no improvement, just the same thing every day, in my room, by myself, talking on the phone to people I will never meet or interact with outside of a voice conversation. It has been deadening to my soul. I have avoided talking much about my work because, while I don’t exactly hate it, I have not felt any joy in it.

That is why, now, I am so excited to have sent in my resignation email, and to be looking down at two lonely, little shifts between me and being done forever. I am making a promise to myself that no matter what happens with my next employment, which I start on Monday next week, I will not return to this employer. Again, I thank them for taking me on (twice) and sustaining me, but I cannot work for them ever again. If this next job, for any reason, doesn’t work out, I will do what I must to keep moving forward rather than go backwards.

Some talk of quitting, or not enduring, as a weakness or a failure of character. I am not one of those people. I think that if something isn’t serving, helping, or improving your life, it needs to be ended as soon as possible. Life is so very short, as I’ve learned through Covid-19 and other life lessons, and is too short to work nothing jobs and not live, but exist. I’ve talked for a long time about getting out and moving on, but was too scared to make it happen. Then my employer cut my hours, and I knew it was time to stand up and do something different. Stagnation has not been good for my health, and I really feel that in this death, there will be rebirth.

For what it is worth, I feel really good about my approaching employment. I’m nervous about being able to do what I need to in order to fulfill my new duties. I worry about learning everything I need to learn as I get started, but that is for the future, for beginnings. This is about endings, and I am so glad that this part of my life is ending and soon will be over. I don’t ever need to work this job again, and for that, I am so very, very happy! I have the worst case of senior-itis that I haven’t had since finishing university. It is exhilarating, and freeing. I feel as if I stand on the precipice of something good, and only need to jump and I’ll fly. We will see. In the meantime, two more shifts are between me and my future.

I can quit, I can end, and I can thrive!