Oddly, after my last post, I feel energized. I discussed not being able to choose what to do, and while that problem persists, I do not want to be bogged down anymore and miss out on enjoying life. I want these to be my years of living exuberantly. I want to embrace what I have before me, and not worry about what I can’t do.
I am done with my own internal gate-keeping that says watching tv is wasting time. Lately I’ve been telling myself “I don’t want to waste this evening watching tv” but it doesn’t follow that a few hours of good television is time wasted. There is, of course, moderation, but taking time to immerse myself in good storytelling is not a waste, any more than reading a book is a waste. And the truth is, I miss watching a good tv show or movie. I think I will actually draw up a list of what I am wanting to see and plan times to watch things.
My parents and my sister recently added three new dogs, collectively, to their families. That brings their total to five in one house. At the time, my heart said “that’s so awesome” and my mind went “but…but…is that wise?” In the end, the more the merrier. Embrace the messiness of sometimes doing the unexpected, the un”wise”, and the silly, and if you want to live with five dogs, live with five dogs. Who cares? In the end, my nieces will have some furry companions and my family will have some fun. Will there be frustrations, headaches, and growing pains? Yeah, but, so what? Those pains will always be there, but now so too the sheer exuberance of pups galore. Honestly, my house and yard isn’t quite big enough, but if it was, I might get in on the fun and adopt another dog and bring my count to three.
Soon I will decorate for fall and Hallowe’en. Around north Texas, where I live, it is still hot as blazes, but enough with the noise that says it has to feel like a traditional autumn season in order to enjoy some fall decor. I will put up my fake maple leaves, my jack’o’lanterns, and some fun stuff and enjoy the season. It may be 85F-95F still, but I’ll eat a pumpkin cookie nonetheless! And then when it is time, I will decorate for Christmas and enjoy the 70Fs until it gets kinda cold in January. I won’t let the weather rob my joy.
This year, holiday plans are up in the air still. Do we stay home? Go visit family? Part of me wants to take time and go explore someplace with my wife. Just a few days and our car and the open road, then a quiet cabin and reflection. That to me sounds really relaxing and quite fun right about now.
Speaking of October and November, it will soon be time for playoff baseball. I think I will purchase a subscription to YouTubeTV or something similar so I can watch the postseason. It may cost a bit, and seem frivolous, but its my favorite part of the baseball season, and I want to enjoy the magic and see which team makes a run for the World Series.
I have this dream of visiting all 30 Major League Baseball stadiums, and this year, I won’t get to a new one, and while I am sad about that, I am not going to despair. Instead, I will plan my next trip all the more fervently. Arizona? Colorado? Atlanta? St. Louis? I don’t know where I will head next, but I am excited already to go and experience what is out there. I was taking time to visit a city or region, go to a ballgame, and also go to museums and parks and explore that team’s environment. I want to get back to that idea. There is so much to see and experience, and I don’t want to miss it!
Timidity and fear have invaded my mind and my soul. Cautious living has been my state of affairs, always worrying about what disaster might come next, like a car repair or a household appliance replacement, but in the past, those things have been handled one way or another. Life also needs living. I am not saying I will spend all my money on frivolities, but neither will I put off living to save all my pennies. In the end, that way is sadness and I will have done nothing along the way. I refuse to be someone who spends life not living.
Lately I’ve been thinking a bit nihilistically, wondering “what is the point of X if I am just going to be dead and gone in another XX years anyway” and really, what bleak universe did I jump into? Yes, death comes for us all, but spending the time I have exuberantly before it leaves me is part of the point of life itself. Get out and see the world! Paint a stormtrooper! Take a picture! Read a book; watch a movie! Live, for living’s sake!
When I’m gone, a mathom house can have my stuff, or someone else can have fun with it. It’s not like I’ll need it anymore, but I will have curated a collection for another, like Andy passing along Buzz and Woody to a new kid in Toy Story 3. I want to be Andy, enjoying my toys, and then letting the next person play with them. There is all the right in that.
So what comes next? I am not quite sure yet, but I can’t wait to see what it will be. I think I may enjoy a burrito from Chipotle and then watch a movie. Part of the fun is not quite knowing what is in the minute to follow this one. Whatever happens, I am going to try to enjoy it. Someone once said that life is dirty, and it hurts, but it also feels really, really good. I want to embrace that philosophy to the fullest. Otherwise, I really am wasting my time, and that I won’t do!
a simple man 