He fell to the ground, the bolt being pulled from the ceiling under his weight. In the wake of his failed suicide attempt, Otto noticed that the newspaper was advertising a sale on flowers, so he bought two bouquets and took them to his wife’s graveside. This episode perfectly captures the absurdity of a suicidal life.
I am not suicidal, but lately I have been finding it difficult to find the joy and fun in life. I wrote previously about my current existential crisis. Then a curious thing happened: I went to see a film with my mother. The film was A Man Called Otto starring Tom Hanks as Otto. You see, my mother and I have a habit of seeing Hanks’ films in the theater, having seen quite a few together. We did not expect such an intense and heavy subject matter as suicide from Tom Hanks, who (with rare exception) usually plays things a little lighter.
But Otto, who recently lost his wife to cancer, and endured other personal tragedy during their marriage, was eager, not to die, but to join his wife in the afterlife. He tried, and failed, to die three times, but was always interrupted by neighbors in need. Indeed, the only other thing that kept Otto living was his daily routine as de facto head of the home owner’s association. He quite simply didn’t know what else to do other than what he had been doing.
That felt quite a bit like me. I have no wife to join in death, and as I said, I am not suicidal. I passed that bridge a long time ago when I, too, survived a suicide attempt, but no longer. The questions I need answered are “why do I live?” and “what do I do with life?” That I don’t quite know. But Otto taught me something that perhaps will answer my questions.
From Otto I learned that life’s chief end is to care for others. Whether new or old, Otto’s neighbors needed his help, his love, and his care: whether as a place to crash, as a hand fighting the evil development company, or as a driving teacher, among other things. Without Otto, their lives would have played out much differently. Not to say this film was some update of It’s A Wonderful Life, as it wasn’t that chintzy, but the importance of human connection cannot be overlooked.
Second, a life’s pursuits are suitable for themselves. Otto, as a younger man, was fascinated by engineering, particularly the inner workings of automobile engines. He didn’t know what to do with his passion until his wife encouraged him to attend, and graduate from, university. He then procured employment and lived a full life. Art and other interests are reasonable things to indulge and follow after, if for no other purpose than the joy they bring. Otto found pleasure in cars throughout his entire life, for example.
Finally, Otto demonstrated that until death does arrive, life is to be lived. No effort to bring or delay death will ultimately be successful. Otto tried several times to die, and the tragedy was that once he found a reason for living again, he only was able to live for a few more years. But they were full years, of fun and happiness.
I have family and friends around me that I need to continue to invest in, and invest I shall. I want to see my youngest nieces grow up into young women in all the zest and color that they currently possess. I want to be a companion for my parents, and sister. My wife and I should live a good, long life together and be fulfilled in many things.
I want to continue to pursue my art and creative passions. Not for any grand end, but for the pleasure and delight they bring me. That is a perfectly good thing, and those are not to be diminished.
I want to live. I haven’t wanted to die in a very long time, and never wish to inhabit that mental space again, but I do want to live. That is no small thing to me.
I know I’ve said much of this before, and while the previous post about the bleakness of life stands true, it isn’t always true. I will continue to fight my mental illness’ lies and hold true to the lessons Otto taught me. Truly the experience of that film was unexpected, but exactly what I needed, exactly when I needed it. I don’t particularly believe in fate, choosing instead to find serendipity in the randomness of the universe, but that was a heck of a serendipitous moment yesterday afternoon, and one for which I am grateful.
I hesitate to recommend A Man Called Otto for general viewing, as it’s themes and images can be triggering to some, but it was a powerful film for me; I will carry Otto for a while in my mind and in my heart.
a simple man 