The house is quiet this morning, and bit chilled. Laundry spins in the washing machine, and one of my dogs, Duncan, naps in his open crate. He likes to recline there when I’m downstairs. I am home this morning, by myself, and will be for the foreseeable future. I’ve been laid off from my job.
I was working for a small linguistics university in the Human Resources department. The school has been having some budgetary problems which turned into cash flow problems which turned into budget cuts: in the form of layoffs, not just myself, but three others were let go as well. It doesn’t sound like a lot, but then the school has less than 200 staff and faculty combined. A few less, now.
I will miss that job. For the first time in my life, I had somewhere I belonged, with a group of co-workers I liked. Not everything was perfect, and there was plenty I didn’t like, but I really felt comfortable there, and felt like I was making a difference. The hours were just enough without being too much, the pay was the most I’d ever had (albeit with no benefits – like I said, not everything was perfect) – it was a good job. And now it’s gone.
I woke up last week, when Dallas was still under ice and snow, and checked my work email from home. Sitting in my inbox was an invitation to a Zoom meeting with my boss and the school president. Unusual, but not unprecedented. While I was intrigued, I didn’t think much of it. I figured it was a meeting to talk about some new duty or responsibility. Headed into my 9th month there, I had just had a meeting with the president to ask about committees or other areas in which I could be useful, and to present my skills to him formally. We had known each other a little bit, but I wanted to get on his radar. I asked my boss “What is this?”, about the meeting, and she replied “He has the details” meaning the president. I went about my day.
That afternoon, the Zoom meeting commenced and within minutes I got the news of my involuntary departure from the university. The president spoke about budget concerns and endowments and whatnot, but there was nothing to be done. I had to go to save the school money. I am not a fighter anymore, so I didn’t even try to get angry or to negotiate for my job. It was a done deal, and my indignation wouldn’t have made the slightest difference anyway.
Now, a week later, I finally have a chance to sit down and process. I have had a weekend, and three days to get my work affairs in order and handed off to the rest of the HR department for picking up. My wife has left for her work for the day, so has our roommate, so it is just me and the dogs. And I have feelings: Sadness. Despair. Curiosity. Dread. Calm (strangely). A little anger. Some sense of loss. I don’t fully know what I think. I have no idea, though a few leads, of what to do next.
I have been stuck in an existential quandary for a while regarding my life and what I want to do, and to be handed unemployment and loads of time, at least right now, strikes me as ironic. “Wondering what to do with your life and what is worth living? Have some absolutely free time to ponder all your life choices!” I wonder if the universe is having some fun at my expense, were the universe to be a being that could do such things. More likely, it is just the unfeeling “wheel of fate” that turns for everyone. The Good Book says that “it rains on the just and the unjust alike”. My time to get rained on I guess.
Outside, the sun is rising above the crest of the house, and my car’s windshield is defrosting in the warming air. Jeans are tumbling in the dryer, socks are churning in the washer, and the dog sighs in his sleep. My sock-less toes are a little cold, and my mind is awash with thoughts. What will I do now? Where will I work next? How will my wife and I make ends meet? I don’t know, yet, the answers to those questions. Hopefully by April, or sooner, I will. For now, I am content to take more time to let things be, and maybe do a few chores that have been put off, now that I have more time to tackle them.
I am reminded that the twittering birds outside don’t question their existence (that I know of) and seem to do just fine, but then, they don’t have to pay taxes or hold down a job either. The universe gives and takes. I’d rather be human than a bird anyway, at least, from my current perspective. I may feel differently later.
My iPad is running low on battery, down to 6%, and so is my emotional reserve. I don’t have much else to say, anyway. I’ve talked this situation over with wife, friends, and family in the past week and the fact is: I am not my job. It is how I gather income to pay for the life I enjoy, and no employer cares to show loyalty to any employee, so I always expected to have to move on, sooner or later. It is just sooner, and I have to find a new source of income. Maybe it really is that simple, in the end. For now, I remain in the quiet, and looking forward, as always, to what the day will bring.
a simple man 