Unplugged

I feel disconnected from my life. My last entry here is all about the halfway point to the semester, and the wonder, joy, and excitement that brought. But if I am to be completely honest, I feel that something is lacking. And something is lacking: my hobbies. In the busyness and the bustle of work and school, I come home and I find that I don’t have the energy to sit down and paint, or photograph, or fiddle with building, or any of the things that make me smile outside of class and the office.

I am grateful to have taken this journey back to school, and I am thankful to have a job to bring in a little cash, but..

I am missing the other parts of myself.

I read occasionally, when I can focus, but I do so much reading for class that when I am done, I rarely want to pick up another book, no matter how enjoyable. I have done so much writing for class, I have neglected my blogs and personal writing, which is why my last entry was in October and this is now November.

I am trying not to be hard on myself, yet it is difficult to lay aside the self-judgment and self-criticism. I have written much on this blog about not expecting too much, or expecting the wrong things, of myself, so I won’t go into that here, just the feelings exist and are powerful. My point here is I know I am working hard, and that isn’t a bad thing.

My hero, Adam Savage, has a bit in which he talks about when he started working in commercial special effects, and later, at Industrial Light and Magic, that he put aside his personal creative endeavors because he was fulfilling that need through his work life (and his work life often took time away from his personal creativity). I don’t feel that way here. I feel robbed, not fulfilled, by work and class. Adam does say, too, that whenever he had a spare hour or two during Mythbusters he would hide away in his shop and meditate through building. That is a lesson I could do well to master.

Adam Savage has another bit of wisdom he has shared before, and that is “this is what’s happening” which is a life philosophy about working with what is right in front of you. I spend so much time wishing things were different, or wishing I was elsewhere. I need to let that go, and deal with what is. Right now? That’s work and school. A time may come for hobbies and more freedom, but that isn’t today. Tomorrow I may come up with a way to rearrange my mental furniture, or imbibe more energy, but today? That isn’t what’s happening.

What is happening right now is that I have had a good day today. I completed a project that I didn’t think I would. I got some good rest. I caught up on Tested videos (Adam Savage’s YouTube channel) and I am listening to some good music while I update my blog. Oh! and I got paid yesterday, which allowed me to renew my domain name for another two years. Yay! I need to deal with what is, and let the next thing come and deal with that when it gets here. Along the way, I think it might not be a bad thing to manage expectations and time to try to sneak in a hobby or two.