Uncharted Waters

My friend Abby recently shared this thought on her social media:

“Some people are late bloomers because they didn’t think they were going to be here. How can someone plan for a future they never saw? Give yourself and others grace. Release the guilt of not having it all together yet. A lot of people are living life for the first time.”

-unknown

That is totally me.

I never thought I would live beyond twenty-five. I literally couldn’t imagine it in the time before.

I am going to be thirty-seven in a month and twelve days. An unfathomable age for me. I battle depression and other mental difficulties every day, even today. But back then I lived in a black world of rage, despair, suicidal thoughts, and loneliness. I wanted to die, not because I didn’t want to live, but because I didn’t want to live like that. It took a lot of work, medication, therapy, and staying alive to realize a better way and to walk a different road.

Going into February 2024 (the future: we are living in it!), I have dreams and aspirations for the first time in my life. I am thinking about my eldest niece, who is going to be seventeen soon, and my youngest niece who will be four. I want to see them both grow into the amazing women they will be, and illuminate the world with their love and grace and the sheer wonder of them. I want to see them achieve success and family and joy, whatever that looks like for them. I want to be alive for all of it.

That would mean staying alive well into as long as I can possibly live. I don’t want to die, because that will mean an end of being here for my nieces, for my sister, my wife…for myself. I realize I am living *my* life for the first and only time ever, and I want to be here for that as well. I am making plans for my future (grad school? a forever home? achievements? I don’t know!) as much as I want to make plans to see all six of my superb nieces come into their own. Plans I never made before because I didn’t see myself here at all.

I am electric with possibilities. What will the next thirty-seven years of my life look like? Where will I live, what will I do, who will I become? I don’t know, can’t know, and that is exciting to me! I do know I want to impact my family and the world I inhabit with as much love and positivity as I can muster. I have desires, of course, that I wish to fulfill. I have bookcases full of books I want to read. I have sights I want to see, and places to go, and people to re-meet. There are old friends I wish to hang out with once more, and loves to rekindle. I want to smell the salt air again of my home, and soon.

This isn’t my birthday post, this is my celebration-of-life post. In the Star Wars universe they have Life Day, a galactic holiday in which creatures great and small celebrate family and life. This is my Life Day. I am finally celebrating being alive, and reveling in that glorious purpose, whatever that actually ends up being today, tomorrow, or ten years hence.

I am releasing the guilt of not having it together for thirty-six years and forty-one days to come. (Spoiler: I won’t have it together on my birthday either.) I am living my life for the first time. I want to continue living my life all the way until my days are spent. I actually feel like, perhaps the first time, that this is even possible. It is strange and mysterious and incredible. I feel I could jump up and punch the moon for the fantastic joy of life and exuberance itself!

Oh, perhaps that is enough hyperbole, but I don’t care. No more holding back for me. Life is meant to be lived boundless and free. If that means a few slight exaggerations? So be it!