I refuse to apologize for how I live my life. That does not mean I don’t apologize for when I’ve been an ass, or done something I shouldn’t. No, I refuse to apologize for how I live, and what I do along the way.
I see on social media, mostly Instagram (but on other platforms as well) that an account that I follow will not post for a little bit of time, and when they come back, the first thing they do is apologize for the time away. Whether they’ve been gone for work, life’s pleasures, a family matter, or just not having time, they apologize. That is what I won’t do.
For instance, I try to post on this blog twice a month. Lately I haven’t. My last post was about finding the obsession to create art, which I still haven’t mustered. Well, I won’t apologize for not doing that. There are reasons, of course. For example, last week my eldest niece was in town, and we as a family had all sorts of adventures and experiences. As a result, despite having taken the week off of work, and hoping to have some time to create, I didn’t get anything done. But I won’t start this blog by saying “Sorry. My niece was in town and I didn’t have a chance to post.”
There just isn’t anything to apologize for. I was having fun of a different sort, and my time was spent in an enjoyable way. As well, I am coming to the realization that a life well lived includes hobbies, adventures, writing, and anything else I choose to do, and everything is a choice. I either choose to take my niece to the LEGO store, or go to a pumpkin farm, or the State Fair of Texas, or I choose to stay home and pursue toy photography, or writing, or creation. One is not better than the other, just a different choice I have made.
Right now, I am choosing to spend this time writing a blog post. I could have watched Adam Savage create himself in carbonite, and maybe I will choose to do that later. Or maybe I will watch baseball later (honestly, it will be baseball). Even Adam will die eventually with things on his list to do, not having gotten to even half of them. Some of them will be projects, some of them will be family events, some of them will be books to read, or films to watch, or music to listen to, places to travel to, or anything else. Really, we live in a time of an “embarrassment of riches” when it comes to “things to do”.
I think what you read me doing, whenever I write in this vein, is circling closer to the understanding that the pressure I feel to be or do or create or imbibe is just the common feeling we all share that life is fleeting, and there are too many wonderful things to enjoy along the way.
I won’t apologize for the choices I make that take me away from photography and toward a pumpkin farm with family. Or away from writing; or away from creating. These things are great, and wonderful, and I am glad that you share these interests with me, and I with you, but at the end of the day, what I do is for myself. I take photos because I enjoy taking photos. I enjoy writing because it comes from my soul, and I can’t stop it even if I want to. I enjoy what I enjoy when I can enjoy it, even watching a baseball game or an Adam Savage build video, or whatever it is.
Furthermore, depression (which can fuck all the way off) is a part of me. When it keeps me down, or away, from what I would ordinarily enjoy doing, that too is part of life, and I won’t apologize for being this way. I wouldn’t choose this, anymore than anyone is able to choose how they exist in the world. I will simply deal with it as it manifests, and move on. I have a zen way of dealing with other circumstances out of my control which is to breathe out and let it be. Say I was going to apply for a job. What I can do is fill out the application and go to the job interview. What I can’t do is make my application be considered, or my name to be drawn for an interview. And what I can’t do anything about isn’t something to be worried with or obsessed over. I breathe out and let them go. I need to do the same thing with my depression. I need to breathe out and let it be. I can’t control when it hits, or how hard, but I can control my reaction to it, and it’s hindrance of what I would otherwise be doing. I need to stop apologizing for my depression to myself.
Life is what it is, and I’ll have what I have out of it. I only get so much anyway, and to spend any more of it in negativity just wastes what I do have. I choose instead to focus on what I can control. I choose to do what I want to do when I can and how I can. And for the rest? No apologies.
a simple man 