Every so often at this time of year I reflect on my life, past-present-future, and consider what it all means. Making a big assumption of the universe here, but should I live as long yet as I have lived, all the way to 76, I am only just at the half-way point of my life. In my twenties and early thirties I could ignore the passing of time and enjoy being young(er). Now that forty is only two years away, I have to face the fact that I will soon be going downhill, in perhaps more ways than one. *grimace emoji*
My twenties were rough, do doubts: I went through university, exhaustion, untreated mental illness, marriage and divorce, and two large moves. I lived primarily in Wisconsin, where the overhanging grey of winter lasted far too long each year, and I was never quite sure at this time of year if we wouldn’t still have snow (still a distinct possibility).
My thirties dawned in 2017, and it was, in so many ways, a different world. Since then I’ve remarried, moved a few more times, bought a house, acquired two dogs by marriage, and found a measure of stability and happiness for which I am so very grateful.
I am 38 today. In many respects, I am still the Star Wars, fantasy, baseball, LEGO loving kid I was at 8 and 18 and 28. I have grown in a plethora of personal ways, to be sure, but the core of who I’ve always felt myself to be hasn’t changed much. I hope that remains true at 48 and 58 and, well, we’ll see I suppose, after that. I have few grand ambitions except to make as great a world as I can for my nieces.
Despite health troubles, the rise of fascism in the US, global warming, and a host of other difficulties that beset, I am enjoying being where I am in life. I love having two young nieces nearby to spoil and have fun with (being an uncle is the most fun I’ve ever had), a sister I get to see when busy schedules allow, and parents to interact with on the weekends and sometimes during the week as well. Life is, objectively, good.
always in motion, is the future
-Yoda
Subjectively, I still feel at times beaten down, weary, and struggling. “Always in motion the future is” and none can see where it will actually lead. For now, each day that I wake once more is a day to try again to do the best I can for all the people I can, and to have fun along the path before my feet.
I am currently reading through the audiobook of the Lord of the Rings with my wife, and we have reached what is the darkest point: Frodo and Sam’s journey from Cirith Ungol across the Plains of Gorgoroth to Mount Doom. There is no color, no joy, and no fun to be had in this section of the book. All is thirst and weariness and gray ash. The only thing keeping us reading is the promise that they will reach Orodruin, destroy the One Ring, and set all things right again. However, Sam and Frodo don’t know that they will reach the mountain of fire, or achieve their goal, or even reach home again. At this point in the story, all they have is hateful day after hateful day of trudging weariness. It is a stark reminder to me that dark times must be traversed before the light comes again.
all we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us
– Gandalf the Grey
I write this from the university library where I work. Light is streaming in the large windows behind me, and I am at peace. It has taken much toil for me to reach this peace, and it is still something that I must find, day after day. I have no doom to reach, no talisman of evil to destroy, but each day I do have personal darkness to overcome. Depression, bi-polar tendencies, and exhaustion ever gnaw at me. I can either choose to embrace that darkness, or choose to thrust it aside and reach for enlightened joy. Well, somewhere in all that hyperbole and metaphor is this truth: “all we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us.” I choose today to make my time as good as possible.
Here’s to many happy returns and a great day. Thank you for following along all these years, as some of you have (I started this blog in 2005)! I appreciate all the support and camaraderie I’ve felt.
a simple man 