Month: May 2025

A Dash of Magic

I can’t be the only one.

Since 2020, the pandemic year, I feel as if I have lost something. Something that hasn’t come back to me.

During that time, I’ve gotten married, inherited two wonderful dogs, sold a home, got out of much of my debt, and bought another home that suits better, all with my wife-partner’s help.

I have many wonderful things around me: tools to create, entertainment to enjoy, and the aforementioned wife and dogs that add so much. But.

But: something is missing. Could it be the magic of the world has started to vanish? Before the pandemic, I would visit the movie theater and enjoy a film. Restauranting to savor a good meal was a particular pleasure. Taking a trip and experiencing a new part of the world was fun and wonderful. But now? I can count on less than one hand the movies I have seen in the theater. I go out to eat but it seems routine. I am and am not excited about going to Boston this summer.

Since I contracted Covid-19 and almost died, and emerged with long-term health issues to compound my mental health struggles that were already extant…

I haven’t been the same me.

Add to that the hell show that is America’s political theater, the wars and rumors of wars, genocides, plagues, economical disasters…

It is a lot. I acknowledge here my privilege to only be obliquely touched by most of the above, and my fortunate recovery from the plague a few years ago, yet I can’t quite recapture what I once felt.

And I can’t be the only one. If you are out there, struggling like me, please reach out.

I’ve been thinking a lot about the most recent television show that I viewed, Star Wars: Andor Season 2. The show itself was bleak, grey, and hard to watch. There was little joy, little positivity, and little hope. The show was well-written, but it was about a very dark time. It has massively good ratings, and I’ve been trying to figure that out. Sure, people love a good drama, but beyond that, I can’t help but wonder if its grey-ness is reflective of the times we live in, and that is resonating on an unconscious, or maybe even conscious, level with so many viewers.

So many of the characters in Star Wars: Andor, who are fighting tyranny and oppression for a future they never even see, lose their joy, their happiness, their positivity. There are smirks, but no smiles. There are barks of jest, but no laughter. There is the smoldering fire of rebellion, but no light in their eyes. Have I, like them, lost what makes life worth living? Do I only have the drudgery of resistance to look forward to each and every day?

I hope not. If so, better to go out in a blaze of hateful dissent and be done with it all! The world is desperately spiraling, but hasn’t it always been so? Isn’t it always just a whisper away from spinning apart? Through many dark times, beauty escapes the bleakness, and flashes with bold colours across the horizon.

I think one of the problems with Star Wars: Andor is that it did not show what the characters were fighting to preserve. They made speeches about it, referenced it, but precious little of it made it to the screen. A daughter of one of the main characters in the second season was wedded, and insisted on a traditional marriage, following the ancient customs of her people. However, the entire affair was overshadowed by the mother’s problems, cares, and desperation. This would have been a fantastic opportunity to show that even in a galaxy overwrought with an Empire, there was joy and love to be found, but the entire ceremony was bleak. The wedding toast talked more of pain than pleasure, as case in point.

Sure, show the hardness of rebellion, the persistence of purpose needed to beat a remorseless enemy capable of atrocity, but give me the hope, my only hope, that I need: that life is still possible! Let me know that what I am fighting for is worth it, that I needn’t lose who I am and wish to be.

I believe that true resistance, true rebellion, comes not from tearing down what we hate, but by building up what we love to bridge over the troubled waters. Connection, beauty, passion, vibrancy is what wins the day, not gritted teeth and grim jaws. Show me the rebels alive, and making merry for tomorrow they may die, keeping the spirit of their bodies fed as much as the fervor for which they fight the next day! Why else would they fight?

I’ve lost the ability to eat anything and everything whenever I want. For a year or more, I was restricted by masks and caution. I now face an uncertain future for years to come. But…

But how is that different than any other day, really?

I could walk across the street tomorrow and be flattened by a submarine falling from the sky. Shouldn’t I then enjoy what I have before me today?

An old friend of mine said once that “restrictions breed creativity”.

“Restrictions breed creativity” – Joel

What he meant by that is unfettered access to whatever we need or want leads to slovenly and lazy work. True genius emerges from using what is at hand, and forging out of that the spectacular. Take Jaws, for example. The animatronic shark barely worked, and wasn’t very convincing. So Steven Spielberg hid it in the shadows, in the darkness, and barely showed it on screen for most of the movie. The restriction of a malfunctioning prop forced him to compensate with a dramatic tension that makes the move ten times scarier and more menacing.

I can’t have much sugar? Be creative with what I can have, and make every bite worth it. I couldn’t go out into the world due to a raging pandemic? I wrote poetry through the looking glass of my house windows. I can’t help what my government is doing? I can live flamboyantly and be unapologetically myself.

I can create the magic I need out of the dust and ashes that I see. After all, in the trite example of geology, natural diamonds are formed through putting ordinary carbon through immense pressure. Take what is there and make it beautiful is the lesson. Love the rebel you are with, and make love last throughout the rebellion. Hope can only exist where there is joy and unfettered expression, and, after all, rebellions are built on hope.

Otherwise, why rebel? Look away from the Imperial flag and miss the blue sky. Wear black and white and grey, and miss the green and blue and red and the blazing yellow that we borrow from the life of the stars.

The lesson to myself here is to make my own magic. I think back on another aspect of Star Wars, to the magicians of Industrial Light and Magic that created the film’s special visual effects. It was hot, hard work, but through the days they made fun, had parties, and (barely, to be sure) got the film across the line. If it wasn’t so, I seriously doubt Star Wars as we know it would exist. To tell the story, they needed to live their own.

To experience magic, I need to manufacture my own.

This becomes my mandate to myself: make magic as often, and as exuberantly, as possible, out of whatever I have before me. Join me, and together we can re-make the galaxy into a place worth saving!

Update: May 2025

Wednesday in north Texas is supposed to reach triple digit temperatures, on the Fahrenheit scale anyway, so I guess summer is about to make a bold entrance in 2025. I thought I would take advantage of the brief time before the heat arrives to take stock of where I stand as I head into the imminent summer.

Health

Tomorrow marks three weeks of my change to healthier eating. I am experiencing increased energy, decreased lethargy, and I am staying awake longer than I have before. Important numbers are down, and in general, I feel better. I relish the change, and while weight loss is not a goal, it’s happening anyway. I am able to wear a 2X shirt for the first time in many years, and have more room in my jeans than I used to. I enjoy purchasing new clothes from time to time, and now I may have an excuse in the near future to do so. That’s exciting!

Andor

Light spoilers follow for a TV show. Skip the next paragraph to avoid.

I continue to watch Star Wars: Andor and it continues to not be my jam. I understand completely what they are doing with the story and the horror of the Empire’s rule, I just don’t think that it is necessary to see in stark “reality”. A recent episode showed a brutal massacre, and it was very difficult to sit through. I prefer my Star Wars more lighthearted and adventurous than dark and depressing.

Making

I started to build more with LEGO in the past weeks, having built one MOC (my own creation) out of an official set, with more custom building to follow. I even bought a few new shelf units to spread out my “on display” LEGO collection to provide more room to expand my MOC. I plan to build an entire street or two in a small Tatooine town, hopefully. I also bought a few Ultimate Collector Series sets (well, one was free due to reward points I’ve been saving over a few years!) that I can’t wait to build: the X-Wing Starfighter and the TIE Interceptor. They are updates of the first two ever UCS offerings that first appeared waaay back in 2000. Twenty-five years is a long time to wait to finally own the pair (though I did own, briefly, an interim UCS X-Wing that debuted in 2013, but I sold it not long after building, as was my habit back then).

Other making includes a diorama for my Star Wars action figures. A while back I bought miniature replica skulls of a rancor and a mudhorn, and I’ve finally got a few ideas of how to photograph them. I need to purchase a few materials to complete the dioramas, but once that is complete, I think I can break out my camera and finally snap a few photos. It will be a long time coming, but worth it. I also recently bought some new texture paint I can’t wait to play around with that might lead to even more creative dioramas and photos.

The past few weeks, or months, I remained busy with stuff around work and other pursuits, but I think I will finally start to dig into my hobbies with gusto. Especially with the summer coming up with less responsibility at work, I will have larger blocks of uninterrupted time. All that remains is to put down my phone and pick up my paintbrush or break out my bricks. That part sounds easy, but as most know in these futuristic times, putting down the phone is sometimes difficult.

Baseball

The baseball season must travel a bit before it reaches the dog days of summer, but things are heating up with the weather as the competition gets going. I love watching the Cleveland Guardians play, especially as they are a young team finding their way. Excitement abounds with each game as different players step up each game with a direct impact. Far from being a “one-man-show”, the Guardians showcase a true team effort. I’ve also been watching the Texas Rangers some, and the Boston Red Sox, as I always love seeing the always iconic Fenway.

Speaking of Fenway and the Red Sox and traveling: I am going to Fenway in-person this summer! Towards the end of July I am taking a trip to Boston to take my dad (who is a huge Red Sox fan) to finally experience all that baseball has to offer in one of the oldest baseball towns in America. This is going to be a really fun trip! We will also be able to visit the U.S.S. Nautilus, which is now a museum in Connecticut, but was once a key part of the US NAVY, aboard which my grandfather served for many years as an engineer. I very much look forward to seeing the first submarine he ever served on, and get a glimpse into what his journey under the sea might have been like all those years ago. Other highlights include meeting up with an old friend (possibly two), seeing some of my wife’s family I’ve yet to meet, and being a tourist. We still need to plan a few details, but I am getting more excited for the trip each day.

Challenges

I still can’t read. I feel sad about this, as reading has been a huge part of my life for a long time, but focus and motivation to read remains absent from me. I recently purchased Patrick Stewart’s memoir Making it So but have yet to crack the cover. I have other books I would love to re-read, or explore further. Maybe as my physical health, and as an extension my mental health, improves I will be able to try to read again. I did recently read through the audiobooks of the Lord of the Rings with my wife, a thoroughly enjoyable time that gave me new insights into the story that I want to dig into academically in the future, but again, finding the mental impetus to do so remains difficult.

An aside, of sorts, here: when I do have time, I don’t reach for a book. Part of it is an irrational feeling of not being allowed to. I feel as if I would be wasting the time spent reading, even though I know time spent reading is never wasted. I don’t know why this is, especially when I usually spend the time I would be reading doomscrolling on my phone or playing Scrabble instead. It might mean just taking the plunge, but that is a leap I’ve yet to make. If I am going to sit around anyway, I may as well be reading instead of scrolling social media.

I know the world, and my country, is much not good right now, but I cannot carry that burden myself. Yes, I am deeply concerned, scared, and angry about what my government is actively doing to so many innocent people, but I feel for me, right now, the best resistance is to deny the evil-doers the ability to darken my soul. The best resistance I can mount is to live a good, positive life. That is how I defeat, not with hate, but with love, and love starts with loving myself. I cannot pour from an empty vessel, but with a self full of love, I am able to love others and pour into their lives. That is how the way will be won.

All in all, I feel as if I am in a good place in many ways. I want to continue to build on the progress I have made thus far, and see where the future takes me. I have many pursuits on my horizon, and endeavors I would love to reach towards, and journeys to take. It is a wide open summer.