Captain’s Log – Page 10

Doldrums

Whew. It’s been a tough few weeks. As I write this, I am cognizant that compared to many people’s experiences right now in the world, I’ve got it very good. *gestures at Ukraine, Florida, the world*

My job cut my hours in half, taking me from a sustainable, if barely, job to a ridiculously low level of employment. I have been struggling to work out more than three times a week, and as a result have seen few gains in my fitness level and health that I can measure. Sleep is coming more readily during the day as I take more and longer naps when before I had been cutting back. Depression is looming in my soul.

My 52 Week Photography challenge continues; I am working on a painting; a new project is in the early stages (but won’t be realized most likely until the fall or next year). My body and spirit feel very run down. I’m exhausted.

Today I could barely muster the energy to work out, though I did make it all the way through. I am obviously writing now, but I feel that I am just going through the motions on other things. There is more I want to do, to achieve, to accomplish, but right now it seems a hill too high to surmount.

I need a new job, one that can’t or won’t arbitrarily cut my hours while also paying a sustainable wage that my current job isn’t. An interview for such a job seemed lined up, but then was made to disappear for reasons beyond my control. I loathe few things as I do job hunting, but it appears I need to be back at it. My family is depending on my financial contributions, and in the future I can see needing additional funds for things yet beyond the horizon.

Not long ago I wrote about how my life was going well and I was feeling contented and I was working on my projects and challenges consistently. That has ground to a slow progress. And I don’t know precisely why, though I have mentioned a few things that seem contributory. Maybe that is all it is? I don’t know precisely. I wish I knew how to combat this cyclical depression I am in, and am hoping that my current doldrums don’t stretch into a new gloomy existence.

Complaining is not my agenda. If that is how I come across, I apologize. Frustration is shot through what I am feeling. Can I get a break? or better yet: can I push through this wall, over this hill, to the next plain or plateau? I want to get above where I am currently, and not go backwards. In some ways, I have done precisely that. Awareness of how far I have come over last year at this time, or two years ago, reaches me. Having tasted a little of that, I want more, and find it bitter to sample regression.

The only thing I can see is to keep grinding forwards. I will look for employment elsewhere. I will take my pictures, write on my blog, prepare my projects, and sleep when I can’t bear to be awake. Even slow progress is progress, and I mustn’t forget that. Here again I offer a real look at where I am and what I am going through. Life and Depression ain’t all roses and sweet cakes. It’s exercise and slogging and setbacks in between triumphs and achievement.

I’m listening to the soundtrack to the 2016 science fiction film Passengers as I write, and it is both haunting and beautiful. Despite its flaws, I really like that film and this music is part of why. The score strikes me in a deeply emotional way, and the story of that film reminds me that even when things are terrible, wonder and amazement and a life are still possible. It just may not look like what I envisioned when I set out on my journey.

The word for my 2022 is still challenges and I guess I am seeing a few knuckleballs thrown at me right now. I thought that my challenges would be mainly artistic and expressive, but boy do other aberrations intervene in a smoothly running operation, too. Best grab my tools and get to fixing what’s wrong, get to overcoming the current challenges.

Thirty-Five

In a few short hours I will turn a calendar page and with it, a new age: thirty-five. I am quite liking my thirties as I approach their half-way point. It is amazing to me that I have reached this milestone of ages, and not just because covid or other darker forces could have abruptly ended my life on this planet. Life itself is a continual wonder. I often ponder how much time I have to live, and if things are equal, I may live to seventy or even eighty. If so, I have more time to be alive than I have already lived, and that thought is an incredible thought.

With longevity in mind, I have been working out, to try to give myself a good chance of healthily making it to a more senior age. I don’t know, genetics may play as strong a role in that pursuit, but it certainly can’t hurt to be more active. I am also continually working on my mental health, to make living as great an experience as it can be. I have my hobbies, projects, and life pursuits. I previously spoke about how my experience with covid lent me new perspective, and has given me a bit of purpose in life that I was lacking previously.

I am working on many projects just in 2022, and have the beginnings of plans for 2023. For the first time in my life, I feel that I have things I want to accomplish. I published a book of poetry, and that is just the beginning of my endeavors. I would like to write more on purpose, and maybe do a themed book of poetry instead of a mere collection. I am still kicking around the idea of a podcast, and have what I think is a niche I can fill. I want to have fun with photography, and may even return to a lifelong pursuit of LEGO joy. I don’t know. I have, potentially, many years to explore old loves and discover new ones.

Just today, as I celebrated my birthday and my sister’s birthday, I took time to be present and enjoy my sister’s daughters. My nieces are still quite new to this thing called life, and seeing their unfettered happiness and exuberance for each discovered thing is quite refreshing. They are so fun to observe. They make me “feel young, as when the world was new”, as Dr. Carol Marcus once said. I love them so much, and not least for the perspective they impart.

I often laugh at my dogs, who more than any of us, I believe, live in an eternal now. Duncan is so dumb, but so happy much of the time. He just soaks up love and each thing that happens with seeming sublime contentment. He lives for walks, and dinner, and pets, and scratching his back in the dirt and fresh cut grass. Cassie is a little more aware, but still snuggles deep in blankets to sleep without a care, and lick (her love language, it seems) and cuddle when I sleep, and frolic when the mood strikes her. I could learn much from them about living for the present and not being stressed about how much life I have to live, or what is past or yet to be.

As I reflect on that prologue of thirty-four years, and that epilogue of a hoped for forty-five plus years, I know that my fears pertaining to existence are perhaps vestigial evolutionary traits meant to keep me alive in a much more primeval world. In this supposedly modern 21st century world, it seems more distracting than anything. I don’t want to no longer exist, but I also don’t want to be so pre-occupied with existential mortality that I forget to live, as do my nieces, or my furry companions. I want to be mindful of what it is to breathe and move along the river of time. Captain Picard encouraged us that “time is a companion”, one that reminds everyone to cherish each moment, because “it will never come again”.

As I move from thirty-four to thirty-five, I don’t want it to simply be another number, I want it to be an intentional step from what was to what will be along the road of what is, the road that never ends until it does, and none of us has any idea when that will be. That is partly terrifying, exciting, wonderful, frenetic, and freeing. I can make my future whatever I want it to be, so I better “make it a good one” as Doc Brown implored.

I am happy to be thirty-four becoming thirty-five, and I can’t wait to see what the rest of 2022, and the beginning of 2023, has in store. I know there is much war, pain, disease, and darkness in the world. But, oh my, it is full of peace, tranquility, vitality, and light as well. And while it is my mission to reduce the former and enlarge the latter, it is also right and good to live as much as I am able along the way. After all, “all you have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to you” as Gandalf teaches. I quote him often, as he is full of down-to-earth wisdom. My mentors, fictional or physical, often resound within my skull, reminding me of what I so often forget: that life is to be lived. So live I shall.

Thank you thirty-four, and each year prior. You have taught and served me well. Thank you for your lessons, your wisdom, and your many adventures. I can’t wait for a new year. Stan Lee often shouted: “Excelsior!” Onward indeed. Thirty-five awaits…

Apple Fitness+

My unsung challenge of 2022 is getting back into the habit of exercise. I didn’t include it on my earlier list because exercising or working out is too cliché a New Year’s resolution. Most never follow through for the long haul, as may be necessary if they are feeling the need in the first place. I didn’t want that to be me.

Last year, I purchased a new Apple Watch, the Series 7 in Product (RED). It was an upgrade over my old Series 3 in boring Space Gray. I very much appreciate the larger, always on display. The red color is perfect for me and my taste. But both this Series 7 and my previous Series 3 had a problem: they were annoyed with me. Part of Apple’s current ethos is fitness. You set up your stats, and the watch, or iPhone if you don’t have a watch, can prompt you to close your fitness “rings”, animated circles of color designed to help you stay motivated to be physically fit. One ring is red, for calories burned, the next is yellow, for time spent working out (above a certain heart rate threshold), and the last is blue for standing up and moving about (once per hour for 12 hours) (to help with chronic sedentariness).

I am not very physically active, so my rings, with the exception of the blue stand ring, never really got closed unless I was cutting grass, or cleaning the house, or something like that. And my watch would constantly be reminding me to close my rings and I wouldn’t. It was hard not to feel the thing was being judgmental and even a little sad with me for my lack of activity.

But, my new watch came with a bonus: a three month trial subscription to Apple Fitness+, Apple’s workout suite. I know I need to be less sedate and incorporate more movement into my lifestyle, but I hate working out. I hate treadmills, exercise bikes, and walking/jogging. I find it mindnumbingly boring, even if I have music or something to listen to. It is arduous, monotonous, and generally it kills me to do it. So I don’t. I resisted trying Apple Fitness+ because I thought it would be more of the same. But eventually curiosity got the better of me.

I activated my trial and looked around the TV app. One cool aspect straightaway is that the watch connects to the Apple TV to coordinate your workout with what is on the screen. Ostensibly Fitness+ is a vast library of guided workout videos of the genre that have been around for a long time, but this feature is killer. I don’t have to look at my watch, but it monitors my heart rate, calories burned, time spent working out, and my fitness rings, and puts all that on the screen while the video is playing. As I follow the instructors I can see my progress and achievements in real time. It is a huge motivator.

The videos themselves are categorized by workout type, duration, and instructor. There are three instructors for most videos, with one demonstrating a moderate form of the exercise, one doing a simplified version, and one doing an advanced version. It is up to you as to who you follow throughout the workout to get the level of exertion you want, or feel you are physically capable of doing. So far I find myself doing strength training as a warmup/beginning workout, followed by a HIIT (high intensity interval training – think cardio), followed by a dance session, followed by a cooldown/meditation. In all it takes 40-50 minutes to workout start-to-finish, with the videos themselves being mostly 10 minutes long. Taking water breaks, or simply switching between videos, takes up the rest of the time. I find for me, a beginner work-er-out-er this is a perfect intensity and time investment. To whit, they even have a section of beginner workout videos that introduce you to the format, moves, and overall gestalt of Apple Fitness+. I have not progressed beyond this section of videos yet, as I am only three workouts in and still beginning.

I couldn’t be happier, or prouder of myself. Happy, because Apple did what Apple is terrific at: making something complicated, or arduous, and making it dead simple, easy, and fun. I have a stupid grin on my face while working out that I can’t wipe off because most of me is enjoying my workouts, which is not something I thought I would ever say. The dance is something that I am terrible at, but have a blast doing*. I have no idea how to move like the instructors, but I move anyway, and it’s good for me. I am so proud that after too long, I am finally working out, closing my rings, and starting to get fit and get regular exercise. It is something that I have needed for a long time, and that can only benefit me as I get older and continue to move through life.

*My dog Cassie, a small, partly disabled poodle-mix has gotten into the spirit of my workouts. She sees me moving around like a silly person, and can’t help but try to do what her dad is doing. So I grab her front paws, help her up, and “dance” with her for a spell. She then gets so excited she zooms about and makes silly herself. It is hilarious and I hope she keeps doing it.

Overall, Apple Fitness+ takes all the thinking and most of the work out of working out. All I have to do is move like the instructors and, well, that’s it. Forty minutes later I’ve crushed my workout goals and feel great while needing a shower. The rest of the day I feel so relaxed, it is amazing. I really wish I had done this sooner. Should I keep up the daily workouts, I will definitely not mind paying for the service when the trial ends.

And best of all? My watch is finally happy with me. Fireworks go off on the screen with each ring closed and it doesn’t bug me to close my rings throughout the rest of the day. Perfect.

So Far, So Good

At the beginning of January, I set a few challenges for myself. I want to read, write, take photos, and complete a few larger projects. I have felt ambitious, which is not something I’ve been able to say in a long time.

I have read one and a half books so far this year. First to be completed was The Professor and the Madman by Simon Winchester. The title is unfortunate*, as the latter person in the story was afflicted with a common, yet debilitating, mental illness, and had he been born in today’s world, it is likely that he would not have suffered as he did. Treatment of the mind has come a long way in the intervening years since that man lived. To categorize him as a “madman” is unfair and ableist to say the least. The story itself was a bit over-wrought, over-verbose, and more than 1/3 too long, but it was an interesting narrative anyway. To whit: it was about the creation of the Oxford English Dictionary, in which both men, the professor and…his associate contributed greatly. There is a film of the same name based on the book that I have on my short list to watch, if nothing else to see how the filmmakers handled the text and the men’s lives.

*(I just discovered that the book’s non-American title is The Surgeon of Crowthorne which is much better, in my estimation, as it doesn’t stigmatize the man to which it refers. He was a brilliant doctor, and remained so despite his mental illness.)

The other book, that I half read, was Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance by Robert M. Pirsig. I had been hearing about this book for a long time from my muse, Adam Savage, as it is a favorite of his, so I picked it up. It was not my cup of tea. Mostly a book of philosophy and understanding of the world, the framing story was hard for me to get into, and the way it was written was off putting to my particular vibe. I found the philosophy interesting enough, and even thought most of it to be a helpful way of viewing the world, but the rest of the book didn’t suit. I gave myself full credit for the attempt, and have moved on to a wonderful history called River of Shadows by Rebecca Solnit, ostensibly about the creation of motion photography. So far, it is so good.

I have been following my 52 Week Challenge for photography, and just completed week 6! It hasn’t been easy to take one photo every week. Not so much because the photography itself is difficult, but finding the time and motivation to do it regularly. I am used to taking a photo when the mood strikes, and to perform like clockwork is the challenge. But I have liked most of the results and am excited to continue. At this point it is incredible to me that, if completed, I will have 52 photos to show for it.

Week 6: Golden (of the Golden Ratio, and, of course, droids!)

Along with my photography is an ongoing project that I have surprisingly found myself continuing to work on. That project is the creation of scenery pieces, or dioramas, for my photography. These days I am quite taken with action figure photography, preferring the six inch scale variety of Star Wars figures from the Black Series and Archive lines from Hasbro. To make those photos more interesting, I created some sets. Crafted from spare styrofoam packing taken out of various boxes, acrylic paint, superglue, and various bits from random plastic model kits plus a few 3D printed parts from the internet, I have managed to create useful and visually interesting background elements. The work continues little by little, but I am happy with the direction it is going and ecstatic to be so often finding the motivation to do said work.

I wrote three blog posts in January, and this is my first in February, so that is proceeding apace. I completed no fewer than three other projects of a personal nature that I have been putting off for some time, or that newly came to me with the turning of the calendar. One was for my sister, and I can’t wait to see her reaction to the result. In fact, I am doing so much, and checking things off my list, that I am already wondering if I should not brainstorm more challenges for myself so that I don’t run out and stall. The 52 week photography will obviously go all year, as will the writing and reading, but as I’ve already knocked out several of the larger, single-go projects, I don’t want to find myself nonplussed and searching for something to do come summer. So, To Be Decided, I guess.

Overall, I’m chuffed to bits to be where I am mid-way through February. It is more than a solid start, and I hope the trends continue. What are you working on, or challenging yourself with this 2022, and how is that going? Drop me a note and let me know! (You can find my contact information elsewhere on this blog.) For now, I think I may read and discover more about how video was invented.

Mine Own Deformity

I am simmering with rage. I am sinking to the terrible depths of despair. I am blanking into the unremarkable mess of it all, bland and unfeeling. I am barely holding back tears of burning, biting sorrow. I am frustrated. Bitter. I stumble through murky mists and sit and stare at nothing.

I am listening to a song by an old band, a favorite of mine, Burlap to Cashmere, called “Scenes”. The lyrics talk of a fight, a war, and quotes from Richard the III, a play about a twisted man who plots to be king. It is a deep cut from my teenage-hood, a turbulent time of longing, depression, and deep angst.

As befits my mood, I am listening to the song on repeat and brooding on the meaning, and mine own deformity of mind.

I don’t necessarily want to unpack and lay bare all my feelings. This isn’t that kind of post, and really, that sort of talk belongs in therapy securely locked behind patient-therapist confidentiality. What I do want to talk about is the fact that mental illness, while ever present, is not insurmountable.

I haven’t written about my unending, unyielding fight against depression in a while, but I have done so quite a bit before on this blog. Mostly I try to keep things positive, and sunward.

Lately I have noticed a trend in my life, of ups and downs, and they are becoming quite predictable. I will have a day, or two, or three if I can stretch it, of productivity, good feelings, and steady energy. Following that, I will have a few days of sleep, lethargy, and feeling out of sorts and down. This evening is the first time in a long time I have felt dark.

If this sort of talk makes you uncomfortable, welcome to my world.

I am uncomfortable most of the time, usually tempted to hate the sunlight and the happy times, because I know that night and sadness inevitably follows.

I simply mean to say that tonight I feel so much. It’s confusing, irritating, and follows a day or so of blah. It’s exhausting. I want to feel me and myself and have that stretch into an unending now-ness of being who I truly am when I can shake off all else that drags me down. But I can’t always do that.

Why type all this? Why put it out into the world and rip away the facade to show my nakedest, truest self? To declare, once more, through the darkness and negativity that I. Am. Me. This is actually the anthem of my living day, that I. Am. NOT. defined by depression. I am myself.

Honestly I don’t feel that, and the voice in my head is telling me to delete all this, that it is shit, and I shouldn’t bother. But I know that voice. It is a filthy liar, and isn’t a reflection of reality. Without straying into therapy again, I have defeated that voice, despite it’s endurance, and don’t need to listen to it. I can direct the aimlessness, dispel the murk, and march steadily towards far green countries. I am the Hero I need so desperately in the fight.

I have tattooed on my arms two Elvish phrases: aure entuluva and auta i kelomia. They mean “day shall come again” and “night is passing away” and too often I fail to read and comprehend why I have those marked forever on my body. It is for times such as these, when I need to stand and continue forwards. That’s why I keep going, because even the darkness must pass and the light will shine out the clearer in its wake.

I turn off the song, turn down the lights, and settle into bed. As Gandalf the Grey, the wise, the friend, once said: “All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us.” And I am deciding to continue to fight against my depression and have a better day with the rising of the sun.

Mental illness may feel strong, but I am stronger by far.

Challenges

Exactly a year ago today I was sitting right where I am sitting now, breathing oxygen through a hose up my nose. I had been released from the hospital that morning after having been treated for about a week for Covid-pneumonia. I am glad to have been given the chance to make it home. So many with Covid have not.

But, I feel that having Covid, and the long time it took to recover, derailed my 2021. Sure, I got plenty accomplished, such as my book of poetry, and my wife and I even went on a vacation to Michigan, but I certainly didn’t start last year how I wanted to.

2022 is different. I feel energized with possibility, and with ambition, for the first time in a very long time. Moving forward with the momentum from Whiskey Poetry, and with the realization that I can accomplish anything I put my mind to, I am ready to be challenged with more.

Challenge. That is my word, my mantra, for 2022. I want to challenge myself to continue, to move forward, to accomplish, to succeed. To do. And I have a few ideas for challenges. A few are already in motion.

1. Photography

I have already begun a 52 week photography challenge. The idea is simple: take one photo every week, all year. I took the first photo a few days ago at the end of 2022 week one. 51 more to go! I found a website called Dogwood Photography that has 52 weeks of ideas and prompts already in place, and I am somewhat loosely following that plan. I am really excited to do this! I tried a similar project a few years ago, but never quite finished. I would really love to complete the challenge this year.

2. Reading

I want to read 12 books this year, novels or non-fiction. I have a bunch of novels that I received over Christmas, or that I have purchased recently, including a few old books I haven’t read in a long time. Among them are J.R.R. Tolkien’s Beren and Luthien and The Fall of Gondolin which I have never before read. I also have a list of recommended books that I’ll need to check out of the library. Either way, I want to read one book every month this year. I need to get started, too, as we are already 10 days in! This is in addition to the Art of Star Wars… books that I have been purchasing and reading through. I am not counting those because they are, of course, art heavy and reading lite, but they are delightful to page through.

3. Writing

My wife started writing a book last year, a “how-to” on the writing process. I began to help her flesh out ideas and bulk up sections, but got sidetracked and never finished my part of the book. I want to pick that up and take it to completion, at least to where she can do her bit and maybe we can self-publish it. I think it would be fun, and another big accomplishment to have that done. I also want to continue writing here on my blog, where I have been somewhat consistently writing two posts a month. That seems sustainable and easy enough. Excelsior!

4. Crafting

I have three projects that I have picked up this year. First is a picture book. When my sister’s first daughter was a year old, I made her a photo album chronicling her first year. Now she acquired a second daughter and wants her to have a first year photo album, too. I am happy to oblige.

Second, my mother has hundreds of photos from my childhood, her childhood, and whatnot, that need to be digitized. We plan to buy a scanner and I will scan them and archive them. I expect that both of these projects will take some months to complete.

Third, I would like to continue my own painting, making, and crafting. I don’t want to lose any of the momentum that I have built over the past two years doing things in the newness of the challenges I have listed for 2022. To that end, with some Christmas money, I bought two Bandai model kits: a 1:12 scale Mandalorian and a tiny scale Razor Crest. Those will be only my second and third ever model kits, but I am excited to build them.

It will take some daring and scheduling legerdemain to pull these challenges off, but I think it is possible. Like I said at the top, I feel energized and ready to go. I know it will be difficult, that my depression will hinder me. I know that real life will often intrude, but that is what makes all of these challenges. Without that, it would be easy, and I probably wouldn’t bother. Let’s see how this goes!

What challenges have you made for yourself this year? Maybe you call them resolutions, or something else, but what are you hoping to achieve in 2022? Let me know, I’d love to hear from you.

Mission: Accomplished

I set out at the end of July last year to compile and self-publish a book of poetry. I gave myself the goal of finishing the book by the end of 2021, so that in 2022 I could figure out distributing it and making it available.

I am thrilled to announce that as of a few days ago, I have done exactly that! Whiskey Poetry: A Collection is now live!

The book was finished on December 31, 2021. I formatted it and uploaded it to the AppleBooks store just a few days later. January 5, 2022, it was available for download. The following day, I reformatted the book (a necessary chore) and uploaded it to the Kindle store. Both Apple and Amazon made it relatively easy to figure out and go through the entire process. The software for releasing a Kindle version of a book also allows the author to have a print-on-demand version available as well, so I ticked those boxes.

My first in-real-life copy of my book should be delivered tomorrow so I can check it out. Funny story: I forgot to include a Table of Contents for the Kindle/paperback version (an oversight I have since remedied) so this copy will lack that necessary feature, but this is my personal copy, so I don’t mind. Rest assured, if you buy the Apple, Kindle, or paperback version of my book of poetry, it will be complete!

Speaking of which, I added a page to my blog, clickable above or via this link that lists links to the various versions and stores where you can purchase your very own copy. I trust if you do so you really enjoy reading my poetry, and share it with your friends.

Really this is a bigger achievement for me than it might seem. At this time last year, I was in the hospital with Covid-pneumonia, unsure if I would walk out of the hospital or exit through the morgue. It was really that close. Obviously, I survived, but ever after I began thinking about my life, and what I had and had not done, what I wanted to do, and feeling a new appreciation for living. Part of that was a renewal to myself of all the things that I enjoyed and found pleasure in. That journey I am still continuing.

One waypoint on that trek was compiling my poetry, and releasing it into the world, and I am so happy to have done so. It may not be through traditional publishing, but to me it feels just as real and just as exciting. Maybe someday that will come, but for now, this fulfills my dreams. I can’t believe I actually did it, and in just five months.

Thanks for following along with my progress on my blog, from start and now to finish. I have lots of things planned for 2022, so stay tuned for what comes next! I feel so energized and ready for a challenge.

Best of: 2021

Last year in December I wrote about my best things from the year. I wanted to keep the tradition alive, so here are my best things from 2021.

The beginning of A Christmas Carol, “Marley was dead, to begin with” is fitting for this beginning, save I will modify it: “Redbeard was alive, to begin with”: my best thing about 2021 is that I am still here. What I could not have know when I wrote my best of for 2020 was that just about two weeks later, I would be in the hospital hoping to make it out alive. I contracted a very bad case of Covid+pneumonia. My thanks to the medical teams and medical science that helped me to survive. Seriously, to go from not being able to sleep because I simply could not breathe, to alarming doctors with how bad things were, to a week later walking out of the hospital, albeit on oxygen, is nothing short of a modern miracle. So to begin my best of for 2021? Life.

Best of

#2: iPad Air

I started my best of: 2020 with the iPad Air 2 that I received from my father, and talked about upgrading. Reader, I did upgrade to the green iPad Air that I wanted. It is still a magical device, just quicker and slicker and greener. I also did get an Apple Pencil, but I just didn’t have a space in my workflow for it, and never used it artistically like I thought I would, so I sold it and recouped my money. And that is ok, in fact it is necessary for a progressively better life. Find what works and keep it; find what doesn’t work and part ways with it.

#3: Bluetooth Keyboard

While the Apple Pencil didn’t make the cut, an iPad accessory did: a Bluetooth keyboard by seenda, a brand I found on Amazon. It is backlit, and has a slot to stand up an iPad that is wide enough to accommodate an iPhone at the same time. Would work for other tablets/phones I suppose, but I use Apple. It has been magnificent for writing on this blog, and all other writing that I do. It isn’t the lightest Bluetooth keyboard, but it is portable and about the same profile as my iPad, so I can take them both with me to write on the go, which I did this summer on my vacation.

#4: Ewoks and Jawas, oh my!

My wife is a master crochet artist, and has been making me mini Star Wars characters out of yarn. I have a stormtrooper, a Chewie, a Jabba the Hutt, and many, many others. They are tiny and soft and adorable. Two of my favorites are the diminutive Ewok and Jawa. They sit by my computer and keep me company while I work. If you want your own, contact me and I will see if I can convince her to do more on commission.

#5: Vans

I bought a few new pairs of shoes this year, and by far my favorite have been the pair of Vans SK8 Hi Mte shoes I bought. They are more of a hiking shoe than the traditional skateboarding shoe that Van is famous for, but boy are they comfortable and fashionable (to my way of thinking). I put red laces on mine. The only “flaw” is that they have extra lining to make them warm, a feature I don’t need during the majority of the Texas year, but these days when it is (sometimes) 50F or below, they are really the best.

#6: My Room (Name TBD)

I converted our downstairs spare room into my hobby room. I still haven’t found a name for it. Man Cave? Too bro. Workshop? Not quite. My room? Too child. I don’t know what to call it, but it is the space I have to work on making, taking photos, building LEGO, painting, and I write down there sometimes, too. I’ve made, and continue to make it, a room where I can hang out and do anything I need or want. My wife found me a curbside find that has been wonderful: a wooden easel/drawing table. I can’t believe someone was getting rid of it, but I am glad they did. It has been perfect for painting. By the way, have a name suggestion for my room? Email me.

#7 HomePod Mini and Mac Mini

I am grouping these two together. I upgraded my 9 year old MacBook Pro for a brand new M1 Mac Mini this summer. I only use my computer for work, and occasionally other things (eBay is annoying to use in the iOS apps), but I did need some new hardware for the future and it was a good time to upgrade with the new Apple Silicon being released. Plus, not having a laptop means I cannot take work with me on vacation, and I really appreciate being able to say that I need to take a break from work and not feel guilty for doing so. I simply cannot work on the go, and that is a fantastic feeling.

We have a nice TV, but were using the built in speakers for sound, and reader, they were not great. A dedicated sound bar was not my cup of tea either. I wanted a bit more personality, so I settled on a paired set of HomePod Minis. They work flawlessly with my Apple TV 4K (future proof (for a while)), and utilize voice command to play music or answer queries via Siri. Sound for movies and TV shows is respectable and much better than before.

#8 Disney+

Lastly, I have been watching some incredible Marvel and Star Wars TV shows through my Disney+ subscription. My wife and I finished season 2 of The Mandalorian and await The Book of Boba Fett coming next week. I have also watched WandaVision, Loki, The Falcon and the Winter Soldier, and am about to finish Hawkeye. All have been amazing. I can’t wait for more to arrive next year. And that isn’t even mentioning the movies, Pixar entertainment, and other things I’ve been watching on the platform. All in all, it remains worth every penny I spend each month on the subscription fee.

Honorable mentions in this list include the record player my dad bought me for Christmas last year (I love relaxing to a record in the afternoons), a few LEGO sets such as the large R2-D2 I admire every time I see it, various Star Wars Black Series action figures to photograph, and a digital scale I bought for shipping things that my wife and I sell.

So tell me: what are your best things for 2021? Objects, life lessons, media – all are acceptable. I’d love to hear what you have found to appreciate this year. Looking back on our blessings helps us focus beyond all the terrible things that, rightly sometimes, bring us down. Life is balance, and can’t all be a pile of bad things. It must also be a pile of good things. So what are yours?

See you in 2022, and truly, may it be better than 2021 in all ways!

Picking Up the Pieces

Yesterday I was a bit down. I can’t say that I am over the moon today, but I got a good night’s rest and things don’t seem as bleak.

I will always have my depression and other illnesses with me. There is nothing I can do to banish them forever. That is why I am not waking up to delete my previous entry on this blog. I want that to stand as the real take that it is. I feel that way a lot. I deal with those symptoms every day, to varying degrees. That is why I am writing this Sunday morning.

It ain’t all sunshine and roses, but then again, it isn’t all clouds and gloom either. I believe that in most lives you have a balance of the two.

How does one pick up the pieces of a broken life and start again? I ask myself this question often. I’ll say right now that I don’t have a definite answer. But I do have some techniques that work for me.

First: clean up. My muse Adam Savage, former Mythbuster, relates that when he faces a blank page, writer’s block, or a creative impasse, he takes to cleaning. There is always something needing cleaning in his workshop, so he starts by putting away the one tool he knows he doesn’t need. Then he sweeps, or dusts. Straightens the workbench. Takes out the trash. By the time he has finished, he has not only a clean workspace, but usually an idea of what to do.

After a day like yesterday, I find it helpful to clean up my mind. I recharge, reset, and re-energize. I have had a good night’s sleep. That usually does the trick in turning my attitude from grey midwinter to yellow midsummer. I have a good breakfast. (Today was eggs, sausage, and an English muffin.) Then I start on a positive note. (You are reading it.)

Second: forward momentum. Savage is fond of saying that when you don’t know how to proceed on a build or a project, just pick one thing that you know you can do, and do that. Then take the next step after that. And the next. Eventually you will have built the thing or finished the project.

I think I will spend a bit of time today reading through what has been written in the book my wife started, just to take a restock of where I am in the writing process. That task alone may sap my creative energy for today, but it will make it easier to continue the project the next opportunity that I have.

Third: don’t stop. I have found that when I want to take a journey, and the going seems long, it takes more effort to stop than to simply take a few more steps closer to my destination. Every job has some drudgery in it, and gets unpleasant at times, but the end is always closer than it seems. Sometimes it is the peak of the mountain that you can’t see over that is usually soon under your feet. Just keep walking.

Even if I only write a sentence today, or edit a few, I will have made a bit of progress. That is why I am starting with a blog post: I am getting my fingers used to typing and my brain used to writing. Getting in stride, as it were.

Lastly: celebrate the little things. Honestly, life is not one big whole. It is a myriad of little ups and downs, wins and losses, achievements and failures. No one fails completely at life, and no one wins completely. Every day, every hour really, there are opportunities to succeed and to meet a dead end. Yesterday I wrote that I felt like I faced three. Well today, I can celebrate what I have, to whit: a creative spirit and sight to see beyond. In fact, I don’t have three dead ends. I have three new roads to walk down. Hurrah!

Already I feel much better. To bring this all to a close, I once again turn to Adam Savage. He says that emotions do not dictate actions. Feeling a particular way about something does not need to lead to certain actions. Anger does not need to lead to an outburst. Depression does not need to lead to inaction. Happiness does not need to lead to effusive over-action. I can feel the emotion, but then I have the agency to choose what to do. I often forget that I have control over how I react. In most cases, that is all I do have control over anyway.

Today I am picking up the pieces from last night and pondering what I can make from them. When I am finished, who knows what I will have? Even I don’t know, not right now. But I do know that I can make something new and wonderful. That is what life should be all about. Taking what you have and creating the most amazing thing you can out of it.

Derailed

Life. Look, I don’t swear much when I write, mostly because my mom sometimes reads these, but life is sometimes fucked up and exhausting. I was about to say especially these days with covid but I am not sure that is true. Sure, a global pandemic that is still raging after two brutal years is unprecedented, but I am not certain that life hasn’t always been difficult for one reason or another. Maybe these days we all finally share an affliction, along with everything else. Maybe now with social media and the firehose of information that most of us have access to it is more immediate and raw. In the elder days, we didn’t always know what was happening across the world or in other communities. But now? In. Your. FACE. ALL the TIME.

And I have had, since summer, a bunch of little things all the time that are hammering away at me. I’ve talked about some of them here, others on Twitter, but they are here and not leaving. And really, I am worn down. I can’t care about most of them most of the time anymore. I simply don’t have the emotional capacity. I would love to be concerned about all the troubles of the world, but that simply isn’t possible for a fully functioning adult, and let’s face it, I am not one of those. On good days, I can barely make it, but on most days? Forget anything other than surviving.

I’m being real because life is real. I suffer from depression and social anxiety and other mental health afflictions that make it difficult for me to cope most days. But none of that is really what I want to talk about right now.

I am feeling particularly down because I have made commitments that I am not currently able to follow through on. I was taught to always make good my obligations, to honor what I said, and to let my “yes be yes” as the “Good Book” says. On the surface, as an adult, you should generally be reliable and dependable. I find that a challenge.

Example: my wife wrote more than half a book on writing. She began by asking me to look over a few chapters and to give her some feedback and help edit. It grew and developed into a project that I was helping to write by punching up the prose. I gave myself the deadline of October to get it done. It’s October now. How much have I done? None of it since summer. I feel terrible. My wife is depending on me to finish the book and deliver on my promise. But the last few months? I haven’t had the mental energy. I haven’t had the emotional reserves to pour into a large project. I completely missed the deadline. She asked me about it today, and I admitted that I hadn’t worked on it. I felt horrible to have to say that, because I know it is something she worked hard on, and not only do I want to honor her hard work, but I want to honor my commitment to do my part of the work.

I will get it done, eventually. I know that isn’t what my wife wanted to hear this morning, but I wasn’t about to lie. I wasn’t about to sugarcoat, or tiptoe. I have always tried to own up to my shortcomings. I don’t always do the work or follow through, and I fail, and that is my own particular road to hell. I could cheat, I could shortcut, but that proves nothing except that I know how to fake it. And I am not about fake things. Where does that leave me? With a half completed manuscript and a broken promise. I am struggling to work on my book of poetry. I have started a GoFundMe for my podcast that I want to start. Progress on those projects? I have my poems collected and that is all. I have no donations and no way to start on my podcast. I feel like I’ve walked down a single road and found multiple dead ends.

I have this maddening inability to exercise my full self. I really want to work on these projects and more. I want to create a work of poetry. I want to start a podcast. I want to finish the book my wife and I are writing. Some days I can work on some project or other. Most I can’t. I know that I have written about this before. Perhaps it is my lot in life. I seem made to suffer, as my internal Threepio would say. I have tried medications and therapy and they have moved me to a place where I can half function half of the time. But that far, and no further, it seems.

I wish I had a happy ending, a positive note, or a way to see the sunshine through the clouds. I’ve got nothing. Not now. Not here. I am exactly what I appear to be, a simple man, trying desperately to make my own way in the universe. Sometimes I end up among the stars, flying high, but most of the time, I end up at the bitter end of a bar sipping a galling drink, ruminating on the broken road that led me to where I am. I’ll finish my libation, head to bed, and hope for a better tomorrow. That is all anyone can do.