Captain’s Log – Page 7

Time After Time

Seventeen days have passed since I was laid off from my job. I admit, I am bitter about it. I try to be gracious in my opinions and attitudes related to my past employment, but that will only get me so far. I must say that my heart is souring towards my previous workplace, and the way it all ended. I am grateful for the opportunity to learn what I did there, and for the time spent, but I cannot go back.

Struggling with “proper” emotions and feelings is a difficult thing. Culture and expectations tell me that a “high road” is there to be taken, but damn, if it isn’t an arduous, uphill journey. Michelle Obama makes taking the high road sound easy, but I know she would say that it is anything but easy. I am certainly feeling the burn right about now.

I received a phone call from my former colleague the other day. He had a question about a job function that I handed off to him that he didn’t know how to do. I did make myself available for such questions, but all it really did to me was turn the knife in my back. I want to be helpful, but the reality is that I don’t work there anymore and wasn’t given adequate time to prepare to leave. I miss the work and the people, but I cannot go back. I am not sure I would want to at this point.

I don’t know what I will end up doing next. I have sent out several job applications already. Though I am not collecting unemployment pay, I am trying to act as if I were under the state’s requirements to apply to several prospective employers each week. I have more or less met those standards, but have received either static or rejections in reply. It is truly disheartening.

I am complaining, and I feel that is natural, and even healthy, at this time. I don’t intend to stay here, in this dismal place, but I need to get this out there into the universe and out of my head. That is part of why I write here on my blog: to exorcise the daemons in my soul and force them out into the aether.

As I am writing, here early on a Saturday morning, the skies are lightening from black to grey. I hear a myriad of birds in the trees around my home heralding the dawn. I have always loved the sound of the avian denizens of the suburban environment. It reminds me that we humans but impose our so-called dominance on a planet of living creatures that co-habit with us on this world. We are but one of many species to live here. Even myself, with all my current work troubles and despair – I am but a green thing growing, only needing to be alive and strange as the birds are strange, singing to the rising of the sun. I require nothing else to be worthy of life.

Life will continue; I will find a way to support my living; this is but a passing time. Sure, that doesn’t make it feel any better right now. That is to be expected, after all. Low times are low times for a reason. But better things are coming, somehow I feel that. I can’t explain it or rationalize it, but emotionally, I believe in a better world past the brightening horizon. Today may be grey and depressing, but a bright sunny tomorrow is waiting to wake. I’ll take solace in that, for now, and move forward to what is next.

In the Time After

The house is quiet this morning, and bit chilled. Laundry spins in the washing machine, and one of my dogs, Duncan, naps in his open crate. He likes to recline there when I’m downstairs. I am home this morning, by myself, and will be for the foreseeable future. I’ve been laid off from my job.

I was working for a small linguistics university in the Human Resources department. The school has been having some budgetary problems which turned into cash flow problems which turned into budget cuts: in the form of layoffs, not just myself, but three others were let go as well. It doesn’t sound like a lot, but then the school has less than 200 staff and faculty combined. A few less, now.

I will miss that job. For the first time in my life, I had somewhere I belonged, with a group of co-workers I liked. Not everything was perfect, and there was plenty I didn’t like, but I really felt comfortable there, and felt like I was making a difference. The hours were just enough without being too much, the pay was the most I’d ever had (albeit with no benefits – like I said, not everything was perfect) – it was a good job. And now it’s gone.

I woke up last week, when Dallas was still under ice and snow, and checked my work email from home. Sitting in my inbox was an invitation to a Zoom meeting with my boss and the school president. Unusual, but not unprecedented. While I was intrigued, I didn’t think much of it. I figured it was a meeting to talk about some new duty or responsibility. Headed into my 9th month there, I had just had a meeting with the president to ask about committees or other areas in which I could be useful, and to present my skills to him formally. We had known each other a little bit, but I wanted to get on his radar. I asked my boss “What is this?”, about the meeting, and she replied “He has the details” meaning the president. I went about my day.

That afternoon, the Zoom meeting commenced and within minutes I got the news of my involuntary departure from the university. The president spoke about budget concerns and endowments and whatnot, but there was nothing to be done. I had to go to save the school money. I am not a fighter anymore, so I didn’t even try to get angry or to negotiate for my job. It was a done deal, and my indignation wouldn’t have made the slightest difference anyway.

Now, a week later, I finally have a chance to sit down and process. I have had a weekend, and three days to get my work affairs in order and handed off to the rest of the HR department for picking up. My wife has left for her work for the day, so has our roommate, so it is just me and the dogs. And I have feelings: Sadness. Despair. Curiosity. Dread. Calm (strangely). A little anger. Some sense of loss. I don’t fully know what I think. I have no idea, though a few leads, of what to do next.

I have been stuck in an existential quandary for a while regarding my life and what I want to do, and to be handed unemployment and loads of time, at least right now, strikes me as ironic. “Wondering what to do with your life and what is worth living? Have some absolutely free time to ponder all your life choices!” I wonder if the universe is having some fun at my expense, were the universe to be a being that could do such things. More likely, it is just the unfeeling “wheel of fate” that turns for everyone. The Good Book says that “it rains on the just and the unjust alike”. My time to get rained on I guess.

Outside, the sun is rising above the crest of the house, and my car’s windshield is defrosting in the warming air. Jeans are tumbling in the dryer, socks are churning in the washer, and the dog sighs in his sleep. My sock-less toes are a little cold, and my mind is awash with thoughts. What will I do now? Where will I work next? How will my wife and I make ends meet? I don’t know, yet, the answers to those questions. Hopefully by April, or sooner, I will. For now, I am content to take more time to let things be, and maybe do a few chores that have been put off, now that I have more time to tackle them.

I am reminded that the twittering birds outside don’t question their existence (that I know of) and seem to do just fine, but then, they don’t have to pay taxes or hold down a job either. The universe gives and takes. I’d rather be human than a bird anyway, at least, from my current perspective. I may feel differently later.

My iPad is running low on battery, down to 6%, and so is my emotional reserve. I don’t have much else to say, anyway. I’ve talked this situation over with wife, friends, and family in the past week and the fact is: I am not my job. It is how I gather income to pay for the life I enjoy, and no employer cares to show loyalty to any employee, so I always expected to have to move on, sooner or later. It is just sooner, and I have to find a new source of income. Maybe it really is that simple, in the end. For now, I remain in the quiet, and looking forward, as always, to what the day will bring.

A Green Thing Am I

A dear friend of mine shared a thing on social media, and without speaking to its factual veracity, I want to discuss the truth of the thing.

Some cultures believe we must be alive for a purpose: to work, to make money, etc. Some indigenous cultures believe we’re alive just as nature is alive: to be here, to be beautiful, and to be strange. We don’t need to achieve anything to be valid in our humanness.”
@ melatoninlau

My entire worldview, and my thoughts and feelings about it, are a construct. I’ve known this in other areas of my life, but I have not had the framing to understand my quest for meaning in this way: that my entire culture was predicated on my needing to be alive for a Reason. But that another culture held that I was alive simply to be Alive is a radical thought to me. Maybe I need to adjust my personal culture, my worldview, and my thoughts and feelings in the way that I consider myself.

Western, capitalistic society created me. From an early age, I understood that my value would come from what job I held, what I did for a living, and how I contributed to society. Those thoughts have eaten at my soul for decades now. As a tween, and teenager, I had no idea what I wanted to “do”. I didn’t know how I could contribute. Those thoughts worsened as I approached my eighteenth birthday and questions of what college to go to, and ultimately what to do with my life, became more pronounced.

I don’t know how to adequately convey the dread, the feeling of being lost, and of uncertainty that threatened to overwhelm me during my early years. It was a potent, ever-present layer of feelings. Maybe this is part of what sparked my descent into depression at this time; I don’t know for certain. I do know that I hated how I was feeling and had no idea what to do about it.

To get to today, I have survived much, and grown and matured, but if you’ve been reading my blog, you know I’ve been tortured over contributing to society, of finding meaning for my life, and knowing what I am to Do. Now, I may not need be conflicted about any of that! I don’t even need to Do anything at all!

I am “alive just as nature is alive.” I am connected to this planet, to humanity, and to the universe simply in existence. A plant, or a beaver, or a star does not worry about contribution. They simply grow and be green, or build a dam, or twinkle through the cosmos, and are Alive and are Enough. I am Alive; I grow; I have the ability to build; I am “star-stuff” as the great scientist Carl Sagan once said. I am Enough!

Just as I could not accurately convey the negativity surrounding my need to contribute, or what I would do in life, I cannot justly convey the positivity of how I am feeling now: the liberation, the joy, the weightlessness of being Alive and of that being Enough. I don’t have to take the best pictures, or create the best artwork, or have a meaningful job, or conform to Western culture at all in order to have worth. I have intrinsic value in Life Itself.

I don’t think I’ve even fully processed what this means in and to me. But I know that I will explore this idea fully, and adapt as much of this philosophy to myself that I can. Something this potent must needs transform me completely. What happens around me, or to me, or because of me is not what gives me meaning. Sure, I want to add to people’s lives; I want to preserve the life of this planet; I want to exist well – but that does not inform my worth. I am worthy! What I do is but an extension of who I am: a green thing, rooted deep, and nourished by the energy of all things.

Lessons from Otto

He fell to the ground, the bolt being pulled from the ceiling under his weight. In the wake of his failed suicide attempt, Otto noticed that the newspaper was advertising a sale on flowers, so he bought two bouquets and took them to his wife’s graveside. This episode perfectly captures the absurdity of a suicidal life.

I am not suicidal, but lately I have been finding it difficult to find the joy and fun in life. I wrote previously about my current existential crisis. Then a curious thing happened: I went to see a film with my mother. The film was A Man Called Otto starring Tom Hanks as Otto. You see, my mother and I have a habit of seeing Hanks’ films in the theater, having seen quite a few together. We did not expect such an intense and heavy subject matter as suicide from Tom Hanks, who (with rare exception) usually plays things a little lighter.

But Otto, who recently lost his wife to cancer, and endured other personal tragedy during their marriage, was eager, not to die, but to join his wife in the afterlife. He tried, and failed, to die three times, but was always interrupted by neighbors in need. Indeed, the only other thing that kept Otto living was his daily routine as de facto head of the home owner’s association. He quite simply didn’t know what else to do other than what he had been doing.

That felt quite a bit like me. I have no wife to join in death, and as I said, I am not suicidal. I passed that bridge a long time ago when I, too, survived a suicide attempt, but no longer. The questions I need answered are “why do I live?” and “what do I do with life?” That I don’t quite know. But Otto taught me something that perhaps will answer my questions.

From Otto I learned that life’s chief end is to care for others. Whether new or old, Otto’s neighbors needed his help, his love, and his care: whether as a place to crash, as a hand fighting the evil development company, or as a driving teacher, among other things. Without Otto, their lives would have played out much differently. Not to say this film was some update of It’s A Wonderful Life, as it wasn’t that chintzy, but the importance of human connection cannot be overlooked.

Second, a life’s pursuits are suitable for themselves. Otto, as a younger man, was fascinated by engineering, particularly the inner workings of automobile engines. He didn’t know what to do with his passion until his wife encouraged him to attend, and graduate from, university. He then procured employment and lived a full life. Art and other interests are reasonable things to indulge and follow after, if for no other purpose than the joy they bring. Otto found pleasure in cars throughout his entire life, for example.

Finally, Otto demonstrated that until death does arrive, life is to be lived. No effort to bring or delay death will ultimately be successful. Otto tried several times to die, and the tragedy was that once he found a reason for living again, he only was able to live for a few more years. But they were full years, of fun and happiness.

I have family and friends around me that I need to continue to invest in, and invest I shall. I want to see my youngest nieces grow up into young women in all the zest and color that they currently possess. I want to be a companion for my parents, and sister. My wife and I should live a good, long life together and be fulfilled in many things.

I want to continue to pursue my art and creative passions. Not for any grand end, but for the pleasure and delight they bring me. That is a perfectly good thing, and those are not to be diminished.

I want to live. I haven’t wanted to die in a very long time, and never wish to inhabit that mental space again, but I do want to live. That is no small thing to me.

I know I’ve said much of this before, and while the previous post about the bleakness of life stands true, it isn’t always true. I will continue to fight my mental illness’ lies and hold true to the lessons Otto taught me. Truly the experience of that film was unexpected, but exactly what I needed, exactly when I needed it. I don’t particularly believe in fate, choosing instead to find serendipity in the randomness of the universe, but that was a heck of a serendipitous moment yesterday afternoon, and one for which I am grateful.

I hesitate to recommend A Man Called Otto for general viewing, as it’s themes and images can be triggering to some, but it was a powerful film for me; I will carry Otto for a while in my mind and in my heart.

Welcome 2023

I just found a LEGO minifigure in the pocket of my shirt. I haven’t worn this shirt in a long time, and I have no idea where this little person came from. I don’t recognize it, so I don’t think it is from my childhood. Starting off the new year with a mystery that cannot be solved is a fascinating way to begin. Here’s to discovering new things and adding new friends to our lives!

I ended last year talking about my favorite things, and I’d like to begin 2023 discussing a few hopes and dreams. People that know me know I don’t exactly like to do New Year’s Resolutions, but call them what you will, it’s hard not to look at a fresh calendar year and not then think about what you’d like to accomplish.

Reading

I’ve probably said this many times before, but I really want to get back into a habit of reading. Of late, it has become really difficult for me, and I am not entirely sure why. Long-covid? Depression? Latent ADHD? Who knows, but as a child/teenager/young adult, I read voraciously. Lately? Hardly at all. This hasn’t stopped me from collecting many books that I would love to read, but I just don’t read them. I have a reading journal to keep track of pages and time read, and that did help to finish reading Dune last year, a book I really enjoy. I hope to take journal and fill it up with pages read, even if for only a short time each day.

Making

This year is wide open, and I’ve already begun a few making projects. I am a follower of Adam Savage’s Tested, and the former Mythbuster consistently inspires me to want to make things, both physically and digitally. Last year I was trying to complete a 52 Week Photography project that I did not finish, but this year I want to be a lot more free and open with my toy photography. I have many figures, and want to shoot what appeals to me when I am inspired. Towards the end of last year, I was getting bogged down in my restrictions (one a week/Star Wars figures only) and I think that hindered. I am hoping freedom of choice will mean more expression.

I also want to paint more. I like to customize my action figures, and have already started a new one, a NED-B droid from the Star Wars: Kenobi show. I bought two last year, one to keep pristine, and one to customize. I pulled all the arms and legs and things apart to hopefully make painting easier, and can’t want to get started turning him from yellow to another-color-yet-to-be-determined.

A few years back, I bought a tiny X-Wing Bandai model kit and built a tiny diorama of a crashed X-Wing, and for Christmas I acquired a slightly larger X-Wing and a TIE fighter. I want to build two dioramas of crashed (?) ships, and have purchased 10-inch turntables to build them on. I am still working out the details and designs in my head, but I think those will be fun projects.

Writing

I have built an excellent habit of writing at least twice a month on my blog here, and I think I will be able to continue that. To all my faithful and occasional readers: thank you! I appreciate your time spent hearing what I have to say. It is cathartic and focusing for me to write out occasional thoughts, or to elaborate on what interests me, and I welcome friends along for the ride. If ever you have thoughts, suggestions, questions, or anything you want to send to me, email to PhilRedbeard AT gmail DOT com. I will always welcome interaction.

Personal Growth

I want to continue to grow as a good human being. I want to spread love and joy to those who know me, and those I encounter in life. I want to be better than I am now, and improve on what I am building in my life. Some of that includes what I’ve already mentioned, but that also means listening to other voices, and challenging my biases and privileges and my own status quo. That won’t be easy or comfortable, but I think it is necessary to create real improvement as a person. Staying stagnant is never a good thing, and I don’t think I will ever reach a state of being that can’t be improved upon.

That is all I can think of for now. I am sure that 2023 will present challenges and difficulties I can’t anticipate, and already has some curveballs it is winding up to throw. My self-awareness and memory of the past informs me that this will happen, and the only thing I can do is try to be prepared. As Adam Savage says: “It’s a not a problem to solve; it’s a process to manage” and I really take that to heart. Like unexpected LEGO, I can take what I meet and make new things from it, and always try to build something positive from whatever may come.

I hope your 2023 is all you want it to be and more, and may you have strength and creativity to meet all that comes your way.

Best of 2022: Sundry

I wrote a few days ago about my best things from 2022. That post covered media that I was particularly enthralled by or enjoyed from this past year. Now, I thought I would discuss my best things from 2022 that are tangible.

Apple

I am going to round up the first few into a category of Apple devices. I began my past few Best Of’s writing about an iPad. First it was an iPad Air that I inherited from my father. Then I upgraded that to an iPad Air in green. This year I upgraded that iPad to an iPad Pro, for several reasons. First: FaceID. I can’t overstate how buggy TouchID has been for me, and what a frustrating user experience it is when it doesn’t work properly. Second: USB-C. This is apparently the connector of the future, and it charges much faster than Lightning. Third: external display. While I have yet to use this feature, having just now been enabled in a software update, I am eager to get an external display and use it with my iPad. Fourth: the Smart Connector. This leads into another best thing, the Magic Keyboard. Being able to connect a keyboard without using Bluetooth, that also gives me a trackpad? Genius! I have used my used Magic Keyboard for many months and I use no other iPad stand or keyboard. It is perfect for my needs. And, when I need to truly go mobile, I can just disconnect from the magnets and go.

Next up, still in the Apple category, are my AirPods Pro. I got these in the spring of ‘22 because my wife and I were taking a trip via aircraft, and I hate dealing with jet noise in the airplane. Enter active noise cancelation! I know there are a plethora of other headphones that have that feature, but the ability to effortlessly connect to my iPad or iPhone just by picking up the device is magical. For me, a huge part of technology is the user experience. I am an Apple customer for exactly that reason. Any other tech I have used has been overly frustrating or clunky. AirPods Pro have other features I love, but the ANC is my top feature.

Action Figures

If you follow me elsewhere, you know I dabble in toy photography. I started with LEGO, but since have moved almost exclusively into traditional action figures, and specifically the Black Series Star Wars from Hasbro. This year I collected quite a few of those figures to bolster my collection, but one of my favorites actually was the most expensive I have ever purchased and it wasn’t a Hasbro. This was a Tamashii Nations Ronin Mandalorian and Grogu.

Lone Wolf and Cub, a Samurai Mandalorian and Grogu

This figure reimagines the Mandalorian as a wandering samurai warrior, complete in Japanese samurai armor. Little Grogu sports a top-knot and is pushed in a wooden cart. The Mandalorian Disney+ show is directly influenced by Lone Wolf and Cub, a Japanese manga from 1970, and this captures that mashup perfectly. The price of the figure is completely justified by the quality, and it is one you really need to see in real life to appreciate the level of detail and thought that went into its creation. (I did not take the above picture, it is from the marketing materials. I have yet to photograph this figure for myself.)

Other action figures I picked up include an Ant-Man figure I really want to use in some creative pictures, a George Lucas as a Stormtrooper, a Buzz Lightyear from the Pixar film Lightyear that came out this year, and a Rocketeer figure. All of these speak to me in some way, or are deep dives into my personal nerd that I appreciate on many levels.

Tools

I’ve started to collect tools for use in making and household projects. I finally got a toolbox for them all. I had a basic toolbox with the removable insert, but it was crammed full, and the plastic hinges were warping and it needed replacing. I bought a Craftsman toolbox on wheels, with multiple levels of various sizes, and a few removable inserts that fits my needs perfectly. It is portable, in that I could wheel it places or put in the back of my car, but mostly it stays in the under-stairs closet, which is fine. The top part, with my most used tools, actually separates from the wheeled portion, so that I can take it places.

For upstairs I bought a tool bag exactly like the one my dad keeps his electrical tools in (my dad being an electrician by trade) from a military surplus store, and keep a few tools I need for drawing and making there. I also have a new Lufkin tape measure I bought after seeing Adam Savage use it on Tested. It is neon green on black, and I think the numbers glow in the dark even, though why you would use a tape measure in the dark is beyond me, but hey! Why not? Anyway, it is a fantastic tape measure, and I use it to help me rearrange furniture and measure things. I mean, what else do you use a tape measure for?

In Conclusion

I am reminded that my Best Thing from 2021 was life itself, having faced real death in the hospital with Covid in January of that year. Certainly objects in space are fleeting and transient. Tech comes and is replaced with something new and better. Tools wear out or are no longer useful and are upgraded. Toys bring fun and joy, but can sit in a drawer in between uses. Even the media I love exists outside “real life”.

My true best things of 2022 remain my life, my wife, my family (including my two fur children) and those I am privileged to call friends. As my mentor-from-a-distance Adam Savage is fond of espousing, I want to collect experiences and moments of meaning. That is all I truly possess, and anything else can be lost or taken away. With that in mind, what are your Best Things from 2022, tangible or intangible? I’d love to hear about them, so send me an email or something.

Here’s to a great 2023, and may we all be blessed with many Best Things in the year to come!

Best of 2022: Media

One of my traditions on this blog at year’s end is a best of compendium of the previous year. I got the idea from Tested, it isn’t mine. I like looking back at what I am thankful for, and what has been really useful to me, or that has found a place in my life. You can find previous Best Of posts in December of previous years.

This year I thought I would break my best of into two posts, the first for media (music, books, television, movies) and the second for objects (tech, collectibles, etc). I am also doing these a little early in December because this year will end with a big family Christmas bash that will last about 10 days, and I don’t think I’ll have time to write much. So here goes with Part the First: Media.

Moon Knight

In the realm of television shows, I started with a great limited series on Disney+ called Moon Knight. It is a Marvel show set in the Cinematic Universe, starring Oscar Isaac as the titular Moon Knight, a superhero, of sorts, who must contend with dissociative identity disorder. Oscar Isaac is one my favorite contemporary actors, and I loved his portrayal of all the alternate identities of the Moon Knight. The show itself stands alone, and isn’t dependent on knowledge of the rest of the MCU, which I enjoyed for a change of pace from the myriad connections that now exist in other superhero shows or films.

Star Wars: Kenobi and Andor

Two live-action Star Wars shows premiered on Disney+ this year. The first, Kenobi, followed the washed-up former Jedi Obi-Wan Kenobi ten years into his exile on Tatooine following the destruction of the Jedi Order and the Republic at the hands of Emperor Palpatine and Darth Vader. I love Ewan McGregor as Kenobi, and this year was a perfect time for McGregor, at the right age and physicality, to play the defeated and broken Obi-Wan. The show took an episode or two to get going, but it delivered at the end.

Andor was helmed by Diego Luna, but also included such stars as Stellan Skarsgaard, and Andy Serkis in a surprise role. Andor follows Rebel anti-hero Cassian Andor who the Star Wars universe met in the stand-alone film Rogue One a few years ago. Season One of Andor describes the origin and rise of the Rebel operative and the beginning to the rebellion against the Galactic Empire. Razor sharp, tense, without being too overly dark, and never plodding, Andor takes Star Wars to a place it’s never really been before. Skarsgaard has one of best monologues in cinema during an episode late in the season, and it’s one I want to memorize eventually. It was that good.

Top Gun: Maverick

Sure to be on the top of many people’s lists for movies, the sequel to the 1980’s action flick Top Gun arrived with a roar, and lived up to the hype. A vehicle for the mega star Tom Cruise to reprise his role as Pete “Maverick” Mitchell, NAVY aviator, this one flew off the screen. Enjoyable, nostalgic, cinematic in every way, and with a good story and great cast, Top Gun: Maverick is one I will watch again and again. Also starring Jon Hamm, Miles Teller, and Elizabeth Connelly, some of my favorite actors, this one will be a classic along with the original Top Gun.

Glass Onion

Another, well, not quite sequel, but second in an anthology, Glass Onion follows Knives Out from director Rian Johnson and actor Daniel Craig. A whodunit murder mystery in which Craig plays the hilarious southern detective Benoit Blanc once more, this time in a new mystery and setting from the previous Knives Out story. This mystery was every bit as engaging and intriguing as the first, and the conclusion I again did not see coming. My dad loves these films, and the my wife and I and my parents got to see this on a rainy Thanksgiving Day this year for a great afternoon out.

Fitch

Fitch was on my list for a while, ever since it debuted on Apple TV+. Tom Hanks stars in his first apocalyptic sci-fi role, and pretty much carries the movie alone, acting alongside a robot and a dog. It is heartwarming, tragic, and just a great little film. I compare it to the Martian, another film about a man alone in a wasteland carried by a great actor and a very real feeling setting, despite being a world we don’t quite recognize.

Spirited

A musical. A Christmas story. A comedy starring Ryan Reynolds and Will Ferrell retells, sort of, the Christmas classic A Christmas Carol. I was unsure of this film, and put off watching it for a while until I just sat down and turned it on a week or so ago. Instantly Spirited became my favorite musical. My favorite Christmas story. AND my favorite telling of A Christmas Carol (sorry Kermit!). The songs were immediately catching, and while I thought I knew how it would go, it surprised me at every turn. That makes a great story that I will want to watch every Yuletide from now on. Available on Apple TV+.

Music

Musically, I rediscovered The Lord of the Rings and Hobbit soundtracks, re-listening to all six this summer. Howard Shore is a masterful composer, and I loved reliving the stories through just his scores. I put it on in the car, and every day back and forth from work, I would listen. It was pretty great, actually. I found plenty of other music this year, but I won’t exhaustively list it out. Suffice to say: AppleMusic is a key part of my life, allowing me to listen via download or stream pretty much anything I want to find, for only a small monthly fee. Plus, I get to share it with my wife and parents, so that is a terrific deal for all four of us.

Books

Sadly, I didn’t read this year quite like I thought I would. I still struggle with being able to engage with and complete a book, but I still try. I did finally finish re-reading Dune by Frank Herbert, and I have enjoyed flipping through the Art of Star Wars books that have come out in recent years, covering the new trilogy, and each of the recent shows on Disney+. More illustrations and art than prose, each is a deep dive into the creative process that begins a film or show in the Star Wars universe from a design standpoint, be it environment or vehicle, costume or character. I particularly enjoyed the books for the Mandalorian, and look forward to the Kenobi and Andor books, whenever they will arrive.

Well, that rounds up my favorite media from 2022. I can’t wait for 2023 which will have a few new seasons and shows that I am very much looking forward to, both in universes new, and far, far away. Stay tuned for part two of this post in which I describe my favorite objects and tech from 2022!

Letters from Antarctica

Seven days from today, Ariel Waldman will arrive in Antarctica for two months of research and to film a documentary. She has already been to Antarctica once, to photograph microscopic life forms on the frozen continent. I can’t fathom what an adventure it must be to embark on such a journey, and experience the things that she will experience, not just once, but for the second time!

I know Ariel through a website called Tested, run by former Mythbuster Adam Savage. Mostly a YouTube channel now, Tested has several contributors besides Adam, and at the end of the year, they all share their favorite things from the year. Today, Ariel Waldman shared her favorite things, mostly gear related to her expedition to the snowy southlands.

Part of that sharing was her newsletter that will chronicle her time in Antarctica. It is incredible to me this futuristic age that I live in! I can view livestreams from the edge of space, receive high resolution photos from probes that traverse the solar system, see videos from the surface of comets, read social media from a robot on Mars – and newsletters from one of the final frontiers here on earth – the frozen landscapes of the Antarctic wilderness.

When I was a kid, a long distance phone call still cost extra money. Now, with home internet, which, to be fair, does cost something, I can receive all these things and more on any of my home devices. I am constantly reminding myself that I live in the future I once read about in my science fiction books as a child. Wrist computers, and hand held portals to the world’s knowledge, and astronomical exploration are all so commonplace now it barely moves most people’s needles, but for me, I am mind-boggled and flabbergasted and simply amazed.

I already read the current newsletter, in which Ariel Waldman wrote about being seven days out from arriving at her research station. I can’t wait to read the next. It just struck me that Ariel will spend Christmas in the ultimate winter wonderland, while I will most likely spend it in shirtsleeves here in Texas. But, while the winter months drag on in America, Ariel will be living a dream of mine. I am excited to see how her trip goes, and what challenges she faces, and how she overcomes.

Also: I’m jealous. Ever since, as a young child, I learned about an entire continent that was like the ice planets of LEGO and Star Wars, I wanted to go there. I’ve read about early explorers, and what it is currently like down there, and that has only whetted my appetite. Still, Antarctica isn’t really a tourist destination. It is dangerous, inhospitable, and only really available for researchers, as far as I know. I would love to go as an artist, but I don’t think they would let me take up a valuable spot on an expedition just to explore art where it is really, really cold. Like space, only scientists (well, and billionaires now, I suppose. Sigh.) go there.

I wish Ariel Waldman the best of luck and a terrific time while down in Antarctica. I thank her for putting out a newsletter and letting people like me in on her trek. I will wait eagerly for each new update to land in my inbox. If you would like to receive letters from Antarctica, you can sign up via this link. For myself, I will echo the best of exploratory traditions: “Godspeed, Ariel!”

It Happens

I finally snapped my streak of writing at least twice a month on this blog. In July of 2021, I wrote an incredible eight posts, and ever since have managed two or more. Last month I only wrote one. I am a little sad that I didn’t manage to keep that streak alive longer, but as they say in baseball “a new streak starts today”.

It is once again early morning while I write this, with the sun not yet awake. Why I am awake is a mystery. I wish I could ever figure out my sleeping patterns, or lack thereof, and manage good sleep in my life. Seems not to be. Mostly I do ok, but every so often, I just don’t sleep well. Conscious of bothering my wife with tossing and turning, I get out of bed and come over to the craft room to browse social media or whatnot. Sometimes, like today, I break out my keyboard and write.

What to tell you today? I recently re-watched You’ve Got Mail, the 90’s rom-com with Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks, and sometimes I feel like the pair of them, writing anonymously to each other. I don’t know who reads this blog, aside from my mother, so I imagine I am writing to a friend, out there in cyberspace, who is waiting to read my words once again. Hello, to you, out there.

I guess what is on my mind is this business of “failure”. Like my streak of writing on my blog, I have failed two other endeavors that I was working on, or meant to: a photography project and a writing project. I had been working through a 52 Week Challenge photographically, in which I would follow a prompt and take a picture every week. For awhile I did so consistently, but then I would fall behind and catch up a few weeks at a time. At present I am six or so weeks behind, and can’t find it within myself to catch up again. I have called time of death on that project, and have set it aside.

Second endeavor is a book that my wife started, on how to write, like a “Couch to 5k” but instead of meters, it’s words. She has wanted me to proofread and punch up the prose, and I meant to do it in the summer, but as I’ve written about, the summer got away from us, and then I meant to do it this fall, but I haven’t, and now it is December. I despair that I shall do it before the holidays, and this year the holidays will be full of family and cheer.

What do I do with failure? First, I don’t see it that way. I am certain I have touched on this before here, but failure or quitting, to me, isn’t a negative. It is simply a status, like at the beginning of a project, or a relationship. I am “it’s complicated” with my endeavors, and so I’ve decided to move from something that has served me before, and isn’t serving me now, to things that will.

There is absolutely no shame in abandoning something that no longer serves. There is all the futility, in fact, in continuing something that will not work. And futility is not something I need in life. Like trying to sleep when I am not somnolent, I go somewhere else and do something else. I may go back to bed at some point, or return to a project, but walking away when restless and finding a state of rest elsewhere is healthy.

I am happy with what I accomplished with the photography project. I took a few photos that I am really pleased with, that delight me, and a few I want to revisit at some point and retake to improve upon. Everything is inspiration to me for future creative projects. With my wife’s book, at this point, I still want to work on it, and the time will come. If she remains patient with me, I will get there, I just don’t know when right now.

I lay aside one, or a few things, and pick up something new. The blog continues today, I will always take pictures, and words flow when words flow. Sleep will embrace me once more, of this I am certain, until the forever sleep that comes for us all eventually blankets me. But I’ve not earned that, so I will stay awake and stay creative.

To you, out there, whoever you are, stay creative and stay healthy. Don’t pursue that which doesn’t serve what you need, and don’t be afraid to say “I failed” or “I quit”. Moving on is healthy, inevitable, and can be invigorating. I’m excited for what will come next for me this weekend, this December, and in the new year 2023.

The Media that Made Me

My dad had a habit of going to the public library and renting VHS tapes and we would watch them together on the weekends. On each tape? Two episodes of the Original Series Star Trek from the late 1960’s. I don’t remember a time before Trek. As I got older, my brother and I would wake up late at night (or was it early in the morning?) to secretly watch re-runs of Star Trek: The Next Generation as it aired on television in the mid-to-late 1990’s.

Star Wars, that grand dystopic space opera, is a film that I don’t remember a Time Before, at least for A New Hope and The Empire Strikes Back. I always remember having seen those. Return of the Jedi, on the other hand, I didn’t see until I was older, something to do with Carrie Fisher’s gold bikini, I think. The first time I did see it, it was with the first 20 minutes missing, starting as the Millennium Falcon and Luke’s X-Wing soared away from Tatooine. It would take a few years before I would see the beginning of the film. But it, with Empire and Hope, became foundational to who I am today.

Both Star Trek and Star Wars made me who I am, and I never made a conscious choice to watch either one. It is strange to me that I cannot remember a Time Before those galactic adventures. They were just always on, or available, to me. I guess I have my father to thank for a key part of my identity, because it was he who truly loved both, and must have shared them with me. It was my mother who thought them slightly ridiculous, in my memory, and would censor Jedi for the longest time (But I also remember her enjoying them, to a point, so perhaps it was her as much as my dad.)

Other films and shows would be introduced to me by my parents as they discovered them. I remember that they would watch things first, and then if they were good, or acceptable, they would watch them with my siblings and I. Some have become favorites that I, or the family, enjoys today, but none so invasive to my soul as the outer space tales. But why did they grab me so strongly?

For Star Wars, it was the story that captured me. The rise, and fall, and the eventual victory of Luke Skywalker always fired my imagination. His tragedy and triumph, the loss that he experienced, as well as the exotic side characters and locales that he encountered along the way. Star Wars is supreme story telling, in all it’s color, and grime, and reality most of all, despite the fantastic trappings of the story. Star Wars resembles my current earth.

For Star Trek, it is the utopic vision of the future. To this day, there is no world I want to live inside of more (with one exception*) than the pristine Starfleet as a part of the mighty Federation. The sheer hubris of their goodwill, good intentions, and desire to love and accept all, and shepherd all to be their better selves. That is a future I despair of seeing made reality, because, it is at once too perfect, and too distant, as my current earth is too far from becoming. But I believe that it can be, that humanity has the potential to one day not only sail the stars, but to be that good. Star Trek resembles a future earth that I want to inhabit.

There are two other franchises that became central to me, and the first, chronologically, that I encountered was The Lord of the Rings, and later The Hobbit, as helmed by visionary Peter Jackson. My mother certainly did give me JRR Tolkien’s vision of a world from a distant past, as when she heard of the films, she took me straightaway to the library to check out the books first. But simultaneous was my experience with Tolkien’s words and Jackson’s films. The themes, characters, and struggles of Middle Earth hit me when I was beginning my descent into depression, and so often the hardiness of hobbits became my own. If Bilbo could walk the goblin tunnels and spar with Smaug, if Frodo and Sam could march into Gorgoroth, while Merry and Pippin roused the Ents, then I, too, could endure the breaking of my mind. I’ve carried hobbits with me ever since, as an inner source of strength.

Finally, the microcosm that is *Firefly is the only other world I want to live in. I encountered Serenity and Malcom Reynolds when I was at college. A group of friends and I watched the film Serenity, and when I learned it was based on a show, albeit a tragically short one, I immediately found it and watched it over two days. I want to be a crew member aboard Serenity, pulling heists and sharing life, and aiming to misbehave. When I was going through dark times, away from family and friends, I would watch Firefly and it felt like being with friends who were family, and I still feel that way every time I watch through that series. I can’t think of a reason why anyone would want to leave Serenity, once they have boarded her.

I suppose it’s telling that the only prop replicas I possess are Gimli’s axe, Bilbo and Frodo’s Sting, Thorin’s Key to Erebor, Malcom’s pistol, and the Mandalorian’s camtono. I now find it astonishing that I don’t own any Star Trek props, and need to remedy that as soon as possible. But these are the media that made me who I am today: Star Trek, Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, and Firefly. Other shows and films delight me, and I enjoy them and find meaning in them, but these four are core to my being. I will always love them the most, and never tire of watching them again and again.

We are all amalgams of the media that made us, and I am so glad to have been given such rich treasures as these. After all, humanity has been telling stories from the beginnings of memory, and we all wouldn’t be who we are without stories to tell, to listen to, and to learn from. Stories are humanity’s spirit, I believe, transferred from one generation to the next, to embody the best parts of ourselves for others to take in and manifest.

It is difficult to express further how and why two tv shows and two movies have embedded themselves as strongly as these have. But I am forever who I am because of them entering my life. Two before I ever remember a time without, one because my mother insisted I take it in, and one because I searched it out for myself. I am so glad that I have this media to enjoy, and to remember most of all. For when I think I am alone, I have the familiarity of Serenity; when I think the world is too far gone, I have the hope of the Enterprise; when I struggle, I have the Fellowship; and when I want to overcome, I can jump aboard an X-Wing. A man could do for worse companions in life than Reynolds, Picard, Gamgee, and Skywalker.