Star Wars – a simple man

A Dash of Magic

I can’t be the only one.

Since 2020, the pandemic year, I feel as if I have lost something. Something that hasn’t come back to me.

During that time, I’ve gotten married, inherited two wonderful dogs, sold a home, got out of much of my debt, and bought another home that suits better, all with my wife-partner’s help.

I have many wonderful things around me: tools to create, entertainment to enjoy, and the aforementioned wife and dogs that add so much. But.

But: something is missing. Could it be the magic of the world has started to vanish? Before the pandemic, I would visit the movie theater and enjoy a film. Restauranting to savor a good meal was a particular pleasure. Taking a trip and experiencing a new part of the world was fun and wonderful. But now? I can count on less than one hand the movies I have seen in the theater. I go out to eat but it seems routine. I am and am not excited about going to Boston this summer.

Since I contracted Covid-19 and almost died, and emerged with long-term health issues to compound my mental health struggles that were already extant…

I haven’t been the same me.

Add to that the hell show that is America’s political theater, the wars and rumors of wars, genocides, plagues, economical disasters…

It is a lot. I acknowledge here my privilege to only be obliquely touched by most of the above, and my fortunate recovery from the plague a few years ago, yet I can’t quite recapture what I once felt.

And I can’t be the only one. If you are out there, struggling like me, please reach out.

I’ve been thinking a lot about the most recent television show that I viewed, Star Wars: Andor Season 2. The show itself was bleak, grey, and hard to watch. There was little joy, little positivity, and little hope. The show was well-written, but it was about a very dark time. It has massively good ratings, and I’ve been trying to figure that out. Sure, people love a good drama, but beyond that, I can’t help but wonder if its grey-ness is reflective of the times we live in, and that is resonating on an unconscious, or maybe even conscious, level with so many viewers.

So many of the characters in Star Wars: Andor, who are fighting tyranny and oppression for a future they never even see, lose their joy, their happiness, their positivity. There are smirks, but no smiles. There are barks of jest, but no laughter. There is the smoldering fire of rebellion, but no light in their eyes. Have I, like them, lost what makes life worth living? Do I only have the drudgery of resistance to look forward to each and every day?

I hope not. If so, better to go out in a blaze of hateful dissent and be done with it all! The world is desperately spiraling, but hasn’t it always been so? Isn’t it always just a whisper away from spinning apart? Through many dark times, beauty escapes the bleakness, and flashes with bold colours across the horizon.

I think one of the problems with Star Wars: Andor is that it did not show what the characters were fighting to preserve. They made speeches about it, referenced it, but precious little of it made it to the screen. A daughter of one of the main characters in the second season was wedded, and insisted on a traditional marriage, following the ancient customs of her people. However, the entire affair was overshadowed by the mother’s problems, cares, and desperation. This would have been a fantastic opportunity to show that even in a galaxy overwrought with an Empire, there was joy and love to be found, but the entire ceremony was bleak. The wedding toast talked more of pain than pleasure, as case in point.

Sure, show the hardness of rebellion, the persistence of purpose needed to beat a remorseless enemy capable of atrocity, but give me the hope, my only hope, that I need: that life is still possible! Let me know that what I am fighting for is worth it, that I needn’t lose who I am and wish to be.

I believe that true resistance, true rebellion, comes not from tearing down what we hate, but by building up what we love to bridge over the troubled waters. Connection, beauty, passion, vibrancy is what wins the day, not gritted teeth and grim jaws. Show me the rebels alive, and making merry for tomorrow they may die, keeping the spirit of their bodies fed as much as the fervor for which they fight the next day! Why else would they fight?

I’ve lost the ability to eat anything and everything whenever I want. For a year or more, I was restricted by masks and caution. I now face an uncertain future for years to come. But…

But how is that different than any other day, really?

I could walk across the street tomorrow and be flattened by a submarine falling from the sky. Shouldn’t I then enjoy what I have before me today?

An old friend of mine said once that “restrictions breed creativity”.

“Restrictions breed creativity” – Joel

What he meant by that is unfettered access to whatever we need or want leads to slovenly and lazy work. True genius emerges from using what is at hand, and forging out of that the spectacular. Take Jaws, for example. The animatronic shark barely worked, and wasn’t very convincing. So Steven Spielberg hid it in the shadows, in the darkness, and barely showed it on screen for most of the movie. The restriction of a malfunctioning prop forced him to compensate with a dramatic tension that makes the move ten times scarier and more menacing.

I can’t have much sugar? Be creative with what I can have, and make every bite worth it. I couldn’t go out into the world due to a raging pandemic? I wrote poetry through the looking glass of my house windows. I can’t help what my government is doing? I can live flamboyantly and be unapologetically myself.

I can create the magic I need out of the dust and ashes that I see. After all, in the trite example of geology, natural diamonds are formed through putting ordinary carbon through immense pressure. Take what is there and make it beautiful is the lesson. Love the rebel you are with, and make love last throughout the rebellion. Hope can only exist where there is joy and unfettered expression, and, after all, rebellions are built on hope.

Otherwise, why rebel? Look away from the Imperial flag and miss the blue sky. Wear black and white and grey, and miss the green and blue and red and the blazing yellow that we borrow from the life of the stars.

The lesson to myself here is to make my own magic. I think back on another aspect of Star Wars, to the magicians of Industrial Light and Magic that created the film’s special visual effects. It was hot, hard work, but through the days they made fun, had parties, and (barely, to be sure) got the film across the line. If it wasn’t so, I seriously doubt Star Wars as we know it would exist. To tell the story, they needed to live their own.

To experience magic, I need to manufacture my own.

This becomes my mandate to myself: make magic as often, and as exuberantly, as possible, out of whatever I have before me. Join me, and together we can re-make the galaxy into a place worth saving!

Update: May 2025

Wednesday in north Texas is supposed to reach triple digit temperatures, on the Fahrenheit scale anyway, so I guess summer is about to make a bold entrance in 2025. I thought I would take advantage of the brief time before the heat arrives to take stock of where I stand as I head into the imminent summer.

Health

Tomorrow marks three weeks of my change to healthier eating. I am experiencing increased energy, decreased lethargy, and I am staying awake longer than I have before. Important numbers are down, and in general, I feel better. I relish the change, and while weight loss is not a goal, it’s happening anyway. I am able to wear a 2X shirt for the first time in many years, and have more room in my jeans than I used to. I enjoy purchasing new clothes from time to time, and now I may have an excuse in the near future to do so. That’s exciting!

Andor

Light spoilers follow for a TV show. Skip the next paragraph to avoid.

I continue to watch Star Wars: Andor and it continues to not be my jam. I understand completely what they are doing with the story and the horror of the Empire’s rule, I just don’t think that it is necessary to see in stark “reality”. A recent episode showed a brutal massacre, and it was very difficult to sit through. I prefer my Star Wars more lighthearted and adventurous than dark and depressing.

Making

I started to build more with LEGO in the past weeks, having built one MOC (my own creation) out of an official set, with more custom building to follow. I even bought a few new shelf units to spread out my “on display” LEGO collection to provide more room to expand my MOC. I plan to build an entire street or two in a small Tatooine town, hopefully. I also bought a few Ultimate Collector Series sets (well, one was free due to reward points I’ve been saving over a few years!) that I can’t wait to build: the X-Wing Starfighter and the TIE Interceptor. They are updates of the first two ever UCS offerings that first appeared waaay back in 2000. Twenty-five years is a long time to wait to finally own the pair (though I did own, briefly, an interim UCS X-Wing that debuted in 2013, but I sold it not long after building, as was my habit back then).

Other making includes a diorama for my Star Wars action figures. A while back I bought miniature replica skulls of a rancor and a mudhorn, and I’ve finally got a few ideas of how to photograph them. I need to purchase a few materials to complete the dioramas, but once that is complete, I think I can break out my camera and finally snap a few photos. It will be a long time coming, but worth it. I also recently bought some new texture paint I can’t wait to play around with that might lead to even more creative dioramas and photos.

The past few weeks, or months, I remained busy with stuff around work and other pursuits, but I think I will finally start to dig into my hobbies with gusto. Especially with the summer coming up with less responsibility at work, I will have larger blocks of uninterrupted time. All that remains is to put down my phone and pick up my paintbrush or break out my bricks. That part sounds easy, but as most know in these futuristic times, putting down the phone is sometimes difficult.

Baseball

The baseball season must travel a bit before it reaches the dog days of summer, but things are heating up with the weather as the competition gets going. I love watching the Cleveland Guardians play, especially as they are a young team finding their way. Excitement abounds with each game as different players step up each game with a direct impact. Far from being a “one-man-show”, the Guardians showcase a true team effort. I’ve also been watching the Texas Rangers some, and the Boston Red Sox, as I always love seeing the always iconic Fenway.

Speaking of Fenway and the Red Sox and traveling: I am going to Fenway in-person this summer! Towards the end of July I am taking a trip to Boston to take my dad (who is a huge Red Sox fan) to finally experience all that baseball has to offer in one of the oldest baseball towns in America. This is going to be a really fun trip! We will also be able to visit the U.S.S. Nautilus, which is now a museum in Connecticut, but was once a key part of the US NAVY, aboard which my grandfather served for many years as an engineer. I very much look forward to seeing the first submarine he ever served on, and get a glimpse into what his journey under the sea might have been like all those years ago. Other highlights include meeting up with an old friend (possibly two), seeing some of my wife’s family I’ve yet to meet, and being a tourist. We still need to plan a few details, but I am getting more excited for the trip each day.

Challenges

I still can’t read. I feel sad about this, as reading has been a huge part of my life for a long time, but focus and motivation to read remains absent from me. I recently purchased Patrick Stewart’s memoir Making it So but have yet to crack the cover. I have other books I would love to re-read, or explore further. Maybe as my physical health, and as an extension my mental health, improves I will be able to try to read again. I did recently read through the audiobooks of the Lord of the Rings with my wife, a thoroughly enjoyable time that gave me new insights into the story that I want to dig into academically in the future, but again, finding the mental impetus to do so remains difficult.

An aside, of sorts, here: when I do have time, I don’t reach for a book. Part of it is an irrational feeling of not being allowed to. I feel as if I would be wasting the time spent reading, even though I know time spent reading is never wasted. I don’t know why this is, especially when I usually spend the time I would be reading doomscrolling on my phone or playing Scrabble instead. It might mean just taking the plunge, but that is a leap I’ve yet to make. If I am going to sit around anyway, I may as well be reading instead of scrolling social media.

I know the world, and my country, is much not good right now, but I cannot carry that burden myself. Yes, I am deeply concerned, scared, and angry about what my government is actively doing to so many innocent people, but I feel for me, right now, the best resistance is to deny the evil-doers the ability to darken my soul. The best resistance I can mount is to live a good, positive life. That is how I defeat, not with hate, but with love, and love starts with loving myself. I cannot pour from an empty vessel, but with a self full of love, I am able to love others and pour into their lives. That is how the way will be won.

All in all, I feel as if I am in a good place in many ways. I want to continue to build on the progress I have made thus far, and see where the future takes me. I have many pursuits on my horizon, and endeavors I would love to reach towards, and journeys to take. It is a wide open summer.

Campfire Stories

Spoilers: all Star Wars media (potentially);
Content Warning: brief mentions of SA

Sam Witwer portrays the voice of Darth Maul in many Star Wars media. Witwer learned from George Lucas, creator of Star Wars, and Dave Filoni, the current creative director of Star Wars, about campfire stories within the galaxy far, far away.

George Lucas once addressed the growing inconsistencies within Star Wars to Sam Witwer, as Witwer was portraying Starkiller in the Force Unleashed video games, by imagining that everything in the various films, tv shows, books, comics, and other avenues of storytelling, were all, in a sense, being told around a campfire somewhere in the galaxy. That is perhaps part of why all Star Wars films begin with “a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away” (which itself was referenced in Season 1 of Ahsoka).

In this way, all the details of Star Wars are just salient bits of someone’s tall tale about when Darth Vader used to race pods on Tatooine (Phantom Menace), or that time when little bears beat an entire legion of the Empire’s stormtroopers (Return of the Jedi), or that time when kids accidentally led a group of pirates to their very own treasure planet (Skeleton Crew).

This helps to explain how Han shot first, and then didn’t (A New Hope theatrical release vs current iteration), or how the Death Star II seemed to vaporize, and then didn’t (Return of the Jedi vs Rise of Skywalker), and how all the little real world inconsistencies that creep into a franchise as large as Star Wars could still be reconcilable within the larger tapestry of the story of Star Wars.

I’ve been watching Season 2 of Andor, which is about the “dark times” when the Empire ruled before the events of Rogue One and A New Hope. It is not your uncle’s Star Wars*, full of fast quips and wacky battles, and spectacular visual effects. It is a grounded, realistic, and I hesitate to use the word “gritty” (mostly because that as a term to describe media is becoming trite), but certainly more grim. Case in point, episode 3 of season 2 of Andor features an attempted rape of a key character by an Imperial officer. I doubt George Lucas, who famously and consistently has said he wrote his movies for 12 year olds, would have included such a scene. But it found its way into Andor.

I am not here to discuss the almost-rape scene, which was intense enough to make my wife leave the room and me to mute the tv and look away until it was over, but to make the point that it is obviously a very different Star Wars than the one that includes Jar Jar Binks, C-3PO, and other more ridiculous characters and slapstick comedy. The creators of Andor, no doubt, want to emphasize the evil of the Empire. (I think that was made evident with the smoking skeletons of Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru – 12 year olds did he say?). This era’s broader media is a lot about shock value and “realism”. Look no further than the fantasy series Game of Thrones, the crime show Breaking Bad, or every iteration even of CSI or SVU that is on broadcast tv now. When I was growing up, it wasn’t quite that way, or was just beginning to become so, I guess. It has just now made its way into Star Wars.

Personal opinion: sexual assault never needs to be seen on screen. Grisly murders, either, for that matter. Your opinion may vary, and I know many fans of Andor and other shows feel different. I won’t debate that here.

More broadly, however, I am in favor of the grounded storytelling that Andor represents, as long as I also get my sarcastic smugglers (Han Solo in everything), stomping space pirate droids (Skeleton Crew), and other fun from “far, far away”. I am in favor of all the campfire stories that are told about all the corners of the galaxy, and the adventures that are waiting to be unveiled. I’ve said it before, but I hope I am alive at 90 years old to witness the 100th anniversary of Star Wars, and cognizant enough along the way to enjoy all the campfire stories yet to be told. After all, it’s a large galaxy.

I have been underwhelmed by the general storytelling in Andor 2, but that is just my personal taste. I also don’t much care for Rise of Skywalker, and for a long, long time didn’t appreciate Phantom Menace. Attack of the Clones still is only half a movie, and Revenge of the Sith still has Vader murdering a room of Jedi children (Implied. 12 year olds, did he say?). But to each their own. Empire Strikes Back is still the best, and I love Solo, and various shows. Again, the point is that there is a campfire story for everyone to enjoy. Not your taste? There are other campfires burning bright in the Star Wars galaxy.

This is a lesson I have had a hard time learning, and it goes far beyond Star Wars. I used to hold so much vitriol against the Phantom Menace until I started to love it (mostly). Entertainment does not need to appeal to everyone. This has been a thing for as long as humanity has had entertainment I am sure, sitting around literal campfires munching on wooly mammoth bits and telling stories, but recently people have had such strong opinions about things, then they share those opinions on message boards, social media, and other internet-al things. Sometimes strong opinions help you find your people, other people who feel the same way you do about the Last Jedi, for instance. But that can cut both ways. While some love, others hate, and well, that has consequences when the creators of Star Wars begin to feel unsafe (Ahmed Best), or marginalized (John Boyega), or even thrust out (Kelly Marie Tran).

It easy to say we should all get along, but harder to do it.

Look, I’ve digressed a bit, but back to the campfires: telling stories is good. They don’t all have to be consistent, and what is made for 12 year olds doesn’t have to appeal to 38 year olds, and vice versa. What should matter is that everyone has a place at the campfire, and that we all enjoy some of the stories being told. Maybe some of them are for everyone, and others are for when the 12 year olds go to bed, but all have a place and can be enjoyed. So dim the lights, grab the popcorn, and turn on the campfire that is telling your favorite rendition of Star Wars, a story from “a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away…”

*can confirm, am an uncle

Like a Kid Again

One of the more bittersweet parts of growing old is that you can never recapture a first time doing something.

For me, it is the wonder and amazement and fun I experienced the first time I watched Star Wars, which I don’t actually remember I’ve been watching it for so long. It just feels that it has always been a part of who I am. As a boy and teenager, I read every Star Wars novel I could find at my library. I pored over every making-of and behind-the-scenes documentary there was.

I grew up way back in the before times of the internet as a member of a Star Wars forum and message board. I would endlessly talk about the three films (all we had back then) with young fans like me in Australia, Europe, and the States. That forum no longer exists, but it was a great time for me to share fan fiction and thoughts and ideas.

Since 1999, when George Lucas exploded the Star Wars universe again with a new film in what would become a new trilogy, the galaxy has not stopped expanding. We fans got tv shows, both animated and (finally) live action, and more films and ways to explore corners of the galaxy that we had only dreamed of before. It’s even reality now at the Disney parks!

The latest offering from the galaxy far, far away is a little show called Skeleton Crew. It feels like Goonies meets Star Wars and is about four younglings who take their first steps into a larger world, and grow up a little bit along the way. It is about pirates and Jedi and the wonder of the galaxy, in all its darkness and light.

Anyone who knows me knows what a mega fan of the entire universe that I am. Heck, I’ve written about it endless times and in endless ways on this blog. It is my ethos here, and part of my online identity. I also love pirates, having long been fascinated by them, and was again, at the perfect age when the Pirates of the Caribbean films came out. Skeleton Crew is the perfect blend of all the elements of everything I love about Star Wars and pirates.

Watching through Crew this week made me feel like I was a young boy experiencing it all for the first time: the epitome of cool that is Han Solo and Chewbacca. The magic that was Obi-Wan Kenobi. The brash and sass that was Princess Leia. The excitement and the sheer joy of Luke Skywalker growing up to win the day. All of that was in Skeleton Crew.

I’ve appreciated (almost) all of the Star Wars offerings for what they are and how they expand the galaxy. But for all the complexities of Andor and Ahsoka, the storytelling of the Clone Wars/Bad Batch, the continuation of the saga, and even Solo and Rogue One, nothing made me smile and laugh and experience Star Wars the way Skeleton Crew has.

My wife can attest to the smile on my face as we binged the show, and then caught the finale just tonight. I hope it gets a second season, and another chance to evoke those feelings one more time. But even if Skeleton Crew comes back again, it may not be the same. If so, that won’t be a failing, just life. But for me, somehow, this show was the ephemeral “lightning in a bottle” that inspired me to build endless variations of the Millennium Falcon out of LEGO, to write my own Star Wars stories on that old forum, and to imbibe everything from that galaxy that I could find.

I thank everyone involved in the making of Skeleton Crew for making me feel like a kid again. It has re-ignited something in my heart, and for that I am grateful. I might just have to build my own pirate ship out of LEGO now…something I’ve not done in a long time. A long time.

I, Jedi

I don’t want to be angry. I know, I know: I just wrote an entire blog post about getting back into the fight, but over the past few days I’ve been doing some thinking. I don’t want to be angry; I want to be passionate. And there is a difference.

The picture above is a very simple picture of the creature Jar Jar Binks from Star Wars: The Phantom Menace facing the viewer, sitting on a grid, leaning against a yellow crate on the right with a red crate on the left. He appears to be lost in thought, resting his head on his left hand with his legs splayed out in front of him. The image mirrors how I’ve felt the past few days.

Including the Binks picture is more than just illustration. It reminds me of the difference between the Jedi and the Sith, two opposing factions of Force users from the Star Wars universe. The difference I wish to discuss is the difference between anger and passion. The Sith, categorized as evil and dark, use anger as a pathway to power, and as a tool to wield power over others.

Jedi Master Yoda says the Dark Side of the Force is “easier, quicker: more seductive” just as anger which is “quick to join” in the heat of the moment. Much more subtle is the passion of the Jedi. Passion must be fed, it must be nurtured: cared for. Passion derives its strength from love, ultimately, and slowly builds into an explosive force (no space-pun intended).

For the uninitiated, the untrained, the unwary, and the impatient, anger can seem like passion, but it has an edge and a bite. It cuts and crushes, and ultimately exhausts, leaving a bitter shell behind. Passion fuels, paradoxically softens, like sand paper smoothing a rough edge leaving a gentle curve. Both produce heat, come at the expense of friction, but only passion boosts and allows its wielder to thrive.

I want passion. I reject anger. I know, I also quoted the OCB which says “be angry and sin not” but I don’t much like that translation or that connotation. I prefer a verse that says “be passionate, and not angry, which leads to sin” but I didn’t write the thing. At any rate, I don’t want the edge, the cutting force of anger to incite me to fight. I want to overcome with passion, and be overcome by it. I don’t want to fight. I want to be moving so powerfully that no one, or thing, could come close to fighting me, that it would be a futile waste of effort. I am not a violent person, and don’t wish to become one in the chase away from lethargy.

In the novelization of Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith, Master Jedi Obi-Wan Kenobi is described as a “devastating warrior” who would prefer to “sit alone in a quiet cave and meditate” and that is more akin to what I would be. So full of the Force of passion, that would I ever need to do battle. I’d be unmatched, but really, I’d want to be amidst the life-giving Force itself. Kenobi so disdains battle that he is known throughout the Clone Wars as the “Negotiator”: the fighter who prefers to talk. That’s exactly what I want to be, in this example.

Yoda wasn’t great because he was a warrior; he reminded Luke Skywalker that “wars not make one great”. Yoda was great because he chose not to fight, not to engage, and to amass wisdom, peace, and patience. Eventually, evil was brought down by its own hubris, blindness, and corruption: from the inside. By fighting at all, Luke was being drawn towards the Dark Side. Only in throwing away (literally: his lightsaber) his fight could he start the course of action that would lead to evil’s destruction. That is what I want to be, in that example: the fighter who chooses love instead.

Maybe that sounds all too space hippy, but why not? Glamor all too often chooses the wrong target: the bold, the brash, the battler. Perhaps the ones who deserve the glory are the peacemakers, the meek, and the gentle. It takes passion to wear away the rough edges of confrontation, of power-lust, and of greatness-seeking behavior. Color me invested in rebelling against the quick, seductive lure of anger and moving towards the patient cultivation of passion. I don’t want to be the hero, the Anakin who fell to anger’s dark lure. I want to be Kenobi, be Luke, Yoda, passionate about what drives my passion and full of light. That is what I am chasing.

Look, I wasn’t wrong a few days ago, just unrefined. I want to constantly be growing, and moving in the right direction. I think I’ve found the bedrock beneath the sand I was sifting. Now I have something I can build on. True growth, I believe, is in admitting when one is wrong, and by altering course to fly in the right direction. So here’s me, in my little starfighter, headed for meditation and growth and away from battle.

The Assassination of Padme Amidala

Trigger warning: misogyny.

I’ve been trying to read more, and I’ve found a strategy that works more than it doesn’t: reading before I retire to bed for the evening. This gives me a solid half hour or longer where I don’t feel I should be doing anything else, and can relax into a book. In this way I finished a re-read-through of the Hobbit and the Lord of the Rings. I then cast about for another novel, and happened upon an old favorite, the novelization of Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith. I’ve probably not picked up that book in over a decade, and was excited to dive into Star Wars and rediscover another old friend.

I was disappointed by what I found.

For the most part, the story was as I remembered, a commendable re-framing of the film from something that is vaguely a mess into something a bit more epic and coherent and a story worth telling. As I began to read, however, cracks appeared in the prose almost immediately, to my eye, making the narrative melodramatic and grandiose. That by itself wouldn’t have caused me to stop reading, after all, that is part of the grand space opera that is Star Wars. What did stop me in my tracks was the following passage about Padme, in relation to Anakin:

This is Padme Amidala: She is an astonishingly accomplished young woman, who in her short life has been already the youngest-elected Queen of her planet, a daring partisan guerrilla, and a measured, articulate, and persuasive voice of reason in the Republic Senate. But she is, at this moment, non of these things. She can still play at them – she pretends to be a Senator, she still wields the moral authority of a former Queen, and she is not shy about using her reputation for fierce physical courage to her advantage in political debate – but her inmost reality, the most fundamental, unbreakable core of her being, is something entirely different. She is Anakin Skywalker’s wife…for Padme Amidala, saying “I am Anakin Skywalker’s wife” is saying neither more or less than “I am alive”. Her life before Anakin belonged to someone else, some lesser being to be pitied, some poor impoverished spirit who could never suspect how profoundly life should be lived. Her real life began the first time she looked into Anakin Skywalker’s eyes…
Revenge of the Sith by Matthew Stover

The rest of the passage passes into an adulation of who and what Anakin Skywalker is, this being that Padme is “privileged” to love. I am trying to find another word to describe this than disgusting, but I must call it what it is: misogyny.

The first part of what I quote is all true, and really is a recap of Phantom Menace and Attack of the Clones. But where this description of a powerful and magnificent woman truly goes off the rails is when it describes all of Padme’s accomplishments as belonging to “some lesser being to be pitied” and that she “pretends to be” what she is. As if this woman doesn’t matter, and all her accomplishments are/were worthless until/because she met Anakin and married him and became his property. That is how this really reads: as a description of something that belongs to Anakin, like Padme is no more than R2-D2 or his lightsaber. A magnificent thing that only has meaning because of who it is connected to: a man. And really, the rest of what I don’t quote is a lavish description of Anakin’s man-ness, but it is even more sickening than the defimination of Padme because it is so adulatory. It’s gross.

I’ve never met Matthew Stover and I don’t want to engage in character assassination, but what he writes here is horrible. Maybe he is trying to do some subtle thing where he is describing the truly dark nature of Anakin through this violation of everything that Padme is, but nothing about the preceding parts of the book are subtle at all. In fact, Stover hits the reader over the head with his flowery, verbose, and at times outrageous descriptions of Anakin, Obi-Wan, Dooku, and what happens between them. This bit that I quote and describe is set just after the “rescue” of Palpatine and Anakin murdering Count Dooku. It is hard to miss that Anakin decides to kill the Count in cold blood, Stover even makes that clear, and then the reader almost immediately arrives at this statement that Padme was nothing before Anakin, and that she only matters as his wife.

I couldn’t read any more. I have already read this book a few times, but this go round I had to stop. Look, I am not virtue signaling here. I have a long way to go in my treatment of women and how I regard others outside myself. But I think it personal progress that before I would read this part and keep reading to finish the book. That before I didn’t pause, that I accepted this description of Padme as consistent and approvable, but now I couldn’t not and would not move past it.

I think Dave Filoni’s animated Clone Wars, created after Revenge of the Sith (movie and book), bears out that Padme never stopped being every inch Padme. If I recall properly, Padme and Anakin do not see eye to eye about the politics and waging of the Clone Wars, and that she is not cowed by him or subservient to him, as described in this book. Maybe Filoni was trying to counter this passage, or maybe he simply has a better grasp of the characters of Star Wars than does Matthew Stover. Either way, what Stover does here is unforgivable.

No woman is given meaning through the man she is married to, or engaged to, or chooses to hang around. A woman’s being and personhood are hers alone, and everything she accomplishes, and does, and achieves are hers forever and part of her forever. They are not swept away by marriage or association. I happen to believe women are stronger by far than men, in a variety of ways and for a variety of reasons, one of which is the continued unconscionable way that men treat women worldwide. We have made them into the stronger gender. Like the Barbie movie showed a glimpse of, women are strong in ways that men cannot even comprehend. I don’t believe for one second that Padme only matters because she married Anakin, and that her roles of Queen, Senator, and Woman are meaningless because she wasn’t yet married to this man. That is, quite frankly, misogynistic excrement.

Believe me when I say that Padme neither receives nor is given anything better throughout the rest of the book. Some of that probably comes from George Lucas’ treatment of Padme in the script, an early version of which Matthew Stover no doubt worked from, and that Stover could only do so much to change. After all, Padme dies of broken heart at the end of the story, which is itself a dumb and weird thing to do. But Stover probably had the freedom to describe Padme how he wished in his own book, and he chose to do as I have quoted. It is bewildering to me that he did so, but not surprising beyond the fact that men are misogynistic and get away with it so boldly.

I could say more, but that might risk taking this critique down into diatribe. I will end by simply saying that I wish the novelization of Revenge of the Sith was better than it is, but I will no longer own a copy or read it. Life is too short to allow thoughts and ideas into my head that don’t advance an equal and uplifting view of all my fellow humans. I hope to always advance in my personal growth, and trust that will include how I view and treat others every day.

for Padme Amidala, Hero of the Old Republic

Best of 2022: Media

One of my traditions on this blog at year’s end is a best of compendium of the previous year. I got the idea from Tested, it isn’t mine. I like looking back at what I am thankful for, and what has been really useful to me, or that has found a place in my life. You can find previous Best Of posts in December of previous years.

This year I thought I would break my best of into two posts, the first for media (music, books, television, movies) and the second for objects (tech, collectibles, etc). I am also doing these a little early in December because this year will end with a big family Christmas bash that will last about 10 days, and I don’t think I’ll have time to write much. So here goes with Part the First: Media.

Moon Knight

In the realm of television shows, I started with a great limited series on Disney+ called Moon Knight. It is a Marvel show set in the Cinematic Universe, starring Oscar Isaac as the titular Moon Knight, a superhero, of sorts, who must contend with dissociative identity disorder. Oscar Isaac is one my favorite contemporary actors, and I loved his portrayal of all the alternate identities of the Moon Knight. The show itself stands alone, and isn’t dependent on knowledge of the rest of the MCU, which I enjoyed for a change of pace from the myriad connections that now exist in other superhero shows or films.

Star Wars: Kenobi and Andor

Two live-action Star Wars shows premiered on Disney+ this year. The first, Kenobi, followed the washed-up former Jedi Obi-Wan Kenobi ten years into his exile on Tatooine following the destruction of the Jedi Order and the Republic at the hands of Emperor Palpatine and Darth Vader. I love Ewan McGregor as Kenobi, and this year was a perfect time for McGregor, at the right age and physicality, to play the defeated and broken Obi-Wan. The show took an episode or two to get going, but it delivered at the end.

Andor was helmed by Diego Luna, but also included such stars as Stellan Skarsgaard, and Andy Serkis in a surprise role. Andor follows Rebel anti-hero Cassian Andor who the Star Wars universe met in the stand-alone film Rogue One a few years ago. Season One of Andor describes the origin and rise of the Rebel operative and the beginning to the rebellion against the Galactic Empire. Razor sharp, tense, without being too overly dark, and never plodding, Andor takes Star Wars to a place it’s never really been before. Skarsgaard has one of best monologues in cinema during an episode late in the season, and it’s one I want to memorize eventually. It was that good.

Top Gun: Maverick

Sure to be on the top of many people’s lists for movies, the sequel to the 1980’s action flick Top Gun arrived with a roar, and lived up to the hype. A vehicle for the mega star Tom Cruise to reprise his role as Pete “Maverick” Mitchell, NAVY aviator, this one flew off the screen. Enjoyable, nostalgic, cinematic in every way, and with a good story and great cast, Top Gun: Maverick is one I will watch again and again. Also starring Jon Hamm, Miles Teller, and Elizabeth Connelly, some of my favorite actors, this one will be a classic along with the original Top Gun.

Glass Onion

Another, well, not quite sequel, but second in an anthology, Glass Onion follows Knives Out from director Rian Johnson and actor Daniel Craig. A whodunit murder mystery in which Craig plays the hilarious southern detective Benoit Blanc once more, this time in a new mystery and setting from the previous Knives Out story. This mystery was every bit as engaging and intriguing as the first, and the conclusion I again did not see coming. My dad loves these films, and the my wife and I and my parents got to see this on a rainy Thanksgiving Day this year for a great afternoon out.

Fitch

Fitch was on my list for a while, ever since it debuted on Apple TV+. Tom Hanks stars in his first apocalyptic sci-fi role, and pretty much carries the movie alone, acting alongside a robot and a dog. It is heartwarming, tragic, and just a great little film. I compare it to the Martian, another film about a man alone in a wasteland carried by a great actor and a very real feeling setting, despite being a world we don’t quite recognize.

Spirited

A musical. A Christmas story. A comedy starring Ryan Reynolds and Will Ferrell retells, sort of, the Christmas classic A Christmas Carol. I was unsure of this film, and put off watching it for a while until I just sat down and turned it on a week or so ago. Instantly Spirited became my favorite musical. My favorite Christmas story. AND my favorite telling of A Christmas Carol (sorry Kermit!). The songs were immediately catching, and while I thought I knew how it would go, it surprised me at every turn. That makes a great story that I will want to watch every Yuletide from now on. Available on Apple TV+.

Music

Musically, I rediscovered The Lord of the Rings and Hobbit soundtracks, re-listening to all six this summer. Howard Shore is a masterful composer, and I loved reliving the stories through just his scores. I put it on in the car, and every day back and forth from work, I would listen. It was pretty great, actually. I found plenty of other music this year, but I won’t exhaustively list it out. Suffice to say: AppleMusic is a key part of my life, allowing me to listen via download or stream pretty much anything I want to find, for only a small monthly fee. Plus, I get to share it with my wife and parents, so that is a terrific deal for all four of us.

Books

Sadly, I didn’t read this year quite like I thought I would. I still struggle with being able to engage with and complete a book, but I still try. I did finally finish re-reading Dune by Frank Herbert, and I have enjoyed flipping through the Art of Star Wars books that have come out in recent years, covering the new trilogy, and each of the recent shows on Disney+. More illustrations and art than prose, each is a deep dive into the creative process that begins a film or show in the Star Wars universe from a design standpoint, be it environment or vehicle, costume or character. I particularly enjoyed the books for the Mandalorian, and look forward to the Kenobi and Andor books, whenever they will arrive.

Well, that rounds up my favorite media from 2022. I can’t wait for 2023 which will have a few new seasons and shows that I am very much looking forward to, both in universes new, and far, far away. Stay tuned for part two of this post in which I describe my favorite objects and tech from 2022!

The Media that Made Me

My dad had a habit of going to the public library and renting VHS tapes and we would watch them together on the weekends. On each tape? Two episodes of the Original Series Star Trek from the late 1960’s. I don’t remember a time before Trek. As I got older, my brother and I would wake up late at night (or was it early in the morning?) to secretly watch re-runs of Star Trek: The Next Generation as it aired on television in the mid-to-late 1990’s.

Star Wars, that grand dystopic space opera, is a film that I don’t remember a Time Before, at least for A New Hope and The Empire Strikes Back. I always remember having seen those. Return of the Jedi, on the other hand, I didn’t see until I was older, something to do with Carrie Fisher’s gold bikini, I think. The first time I did see it, it was with the first 20 minutes missing, starting as the Millennium Falcon and Luke’s X-Wing soared away from Tatooine. It would take a few years before I would see the beginning of the film. But it, with Empire and Hope, became foundational to who I am today.

Both Star Trek and Star Wars made me who I am, and I never made a conscious choice to watch either one. It is strange to me that I cannot remember a Time Before those galactic adventures. They were just always on, or available, to me. I guess I have my father to thank for a key part of my identity, because it was he who truly loved both, and must have shared them with me. It was my mother who thought them slightly ridiculous, in my memory, and would censor Jedi for the longest time (But I also remember her enjoying them, to a point, so perhaps it was her as much as my dad.)

Other films and shows would be introduced to me by my parents as they discovered them. I remember that they would watch things first, and then if they were good, or acceptable, they would watch them with my siblings and I. Some have become favorites that I, or the family, enjoys today, but none so invasive to my soul as the outer space tales. But why did they grab me so strongly?

For Star Wars, it was the story that captured me. The rise, and fall, and the eventual victory of Luke Skywalker always fired my imagination. His tragedy and triumph, the loss that he experienced, as well as the exotic side characters and locales that he encountered along the way. Star Wars is supreme story telling, in all it’s color, and grime, and reality most of all, despite the fantastic trappings of the story. Star Wars resembles my current earth.

For Star Trek, it is the utopic vision of the future. To this day, there is no world I want to live inside of more (with one exception*) than the pristine Starfleet as a part of the mighty Federation. The sheer hubris of their goodwill, good intentions, and desire to love and accept all, and shepherd all to be their better selves. That is a future I despair of seeing made reality, because, it is at once too perfect, and too distant, as my current earth is too far from becoming. But I believe that it can be, that humanity has the potential to one day not only sail the stars, but to be that good. Star Trek resembles a future earth that I want to inhabit.

There are two other franchises that became central to me, and the first, chronologically, that I encountered was The Lord of the Rings, and later The Hobbit, as helmed by visionary Peter Jackson. My mother certainly did give me JRR Tolkien’s vision of a world from a distant past, as when she heard of the films, she took me straightaway to the library to check out the books first. But simultaneous was my experience with Tolkien’s words and Jackson’s films. The themes, characters, and struggles of Middle Earth hit me when I was beginning my descent into depression, and so often the hardiness of hobbits became my own. If Bilbo could walk the goblin tunnels and spar with Smaug, if Frodo and Sam could march into Gorgoroth, while Merry and Pippin roused the Ents, then I, too, could endure the breaking of my mind. I’ve carried hobbits with me ever since, as an inner source of strength.

Finally, the microcosm that is *Firefly is the only other world I want to live in. I encountered Serenity and Malcom Reynolds when I was at college. A group of friends and I watched the film Serenity, and when I learned it was based on a show, albeit a tragically short one, I immediately found it and watched it over two days. I want to be a crew member aboard Serenity, pulling heists and sharing life, and aiming to misbehave. When I was going through dark times, away from family and friends, I would watch Firefly and it felt like being with friends who were family, and I still feel that way every time I watch through that series. I can’t think of a reason why anyone would want to leave Serenity, once they have boarded her.

I suppose it’s telling that the only prop replicas I possess are Gimli’s axe, Bilbo and Frodo’s Sting, Thorin’s Key to Erebor, Malcom’s pistol, and the Mandalorian’s camtono. I now find it astonishing that I don’t own any Star Trek props, and need to remedy that as soon as possible. But these are the media that made me who I am today: Star Trek, Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, and Firefly. Other shows and films delight me, and I enjoy them and find meaning in them, but these four are core to my being. I will always love them the most, and never tire of watching them again and again.

We are all amalgams of the media that made us, and I am so glad to have been given such rich treasures as these. After all, humanity has been telling stories from the beginnings of memory, and we all wouldn’t be who we are without stories to tell, to listen to, and to learn from. Stories are humanity’s spirit, I believe, transferred from one generation to the next, to embody the best parts of ourselves for others to take in and manifest.

It is difficult to express further how and why two tv shows and two movies have embedded themselves as strongly as these have. But I am forever who I am because of them entering my life. Two before I ever remember a time without, one because my mother insisted I take it in, and one because I searched it out for myself. I am so glad that I have this media to enjoy, and to remember most of all. For when I think I am alone, I have the familiarity of Serenity; when I think the world is too far gone, I have the hope of the Enterprise; when I struggle, I have the Fellowship; and when I want to overcome, I can jump aboard an X-Wing. A man could do for worse companions in life than Reynolds, Picard, Gamgee, and Skywalker.

September Sound-Off

I’ve just finished watching Apple’s fall keynote, and if I were a wilderness explorer or pro photographer on a budget, I would be ecstatic about the new Apple product lineup. As I am neither of those things, I found the announcements iterative. That is actually saying a lot, but no one seems to notice anymore.

I remember when the first ever iPhone was announced in 2007. Itself a quantum leap above handheld, and other, computing at the time, here 15 years later with the iPhone 14, the leap forward is objectively jaw-dropping but it has become so routinely predictable as to be merely “iterative”. That doesn’t stop it from being amazing, however. A combination of limited resources and no iPhone 14 Mini will keep me from upgrading (seriously, I don’t want a huge iPhone), but what they offer is still impressive.

In other Apple product news, the AirPods Pro 2 and Apple Watch 8, I have the previous generations of both, so I won’t be upgrading there either, but I do love some of the features of the Apple Watch Ultra, and hope they eventually make their way to a more affordable Apple Watch in the future. At any rate, software is the other half of the hardware picture, and while not directly announced during the keynote, new software updates will be available soon across all products, and that will bring plenty of new features and functionality for free. Color me excited. Speaking of which, put me down for an eventual Starlight iPhone. While not exactly white, it bespeaks Apple Classic to me, and when I finally upgrade my blue iPhone 12 Mini, I want something classic.

To a product I did purchase just about two months ago: my mattress. It has been a great upgrade from the old one we had (now gone in bulk trash pickup). My wife and I both enjoy sleeping and lounging on it, as does our dog Cassie. It is comfortable and supportive, and were it any more of either, it would be a fantastic therapist. Anyway, I am just happy to have something that doesn’t sag and destroy my back each night I sleep. I am ready to call it worth the funds we spent on it.

Speaking of spending money, our new water heater has been doing exactly what it should, and without complaint, and all’s well as ends well there, I suppose. The summer is becoming fall, in season if not in weather in north Texas, and with it things seem to almost be settling back down from the Week of Hell I spoke of awhile back. Football season starts on Sunday, the baseball playoffs begin in a few weeks, and I’ve already decorated for Fallowe’en. Almost. I’ve yet to create a painting I want to use for the final decoration. Fear of not fulfilling my vision keeps me from beginning that project, but it is a fear I think I will soon overcome.

Keeping a reading journal has got me reading a few nights a week now, and I’ve almost finished reading Dune (Frank Herbert) and am already contemplating starting something by JRR Tolkien or maybe Shoeless Joe (WP Kinsella). I am not sure, but am super glad that reading is once again part of my life. I’ve missed diving into a book, even if only for about 30 minutes a day. A far cry from when I could read for hours, but reading is reading and I won’t gatekeep myself.

I watched Dune the other night, the latest version by Denis Villeneuve, and with one or two quibbles, it remains a fantastic adaptation of the first part of the book. I eagerly await the next chapter in the film series. I still have other shows and films I want to view, but I’m in no rush.

What was a rush was finally buying a new LEGO set: Obi-Wan’s Jedi Starfighter from Star Wars: Episode II. I owned the first version that came out many years ago, and this updated construction is a worthy improvement in many ways. I enjoyed the build, and it looks great on my LEGO shelf next to the AT-AT Walker from Star Wars: Episode V. I realized two things: one, I didn’t have any sets representing Attack of the Clones, and two, for too long I was considering LEGO only as something I could photograph, and not something I could enjoy for its own sake. Buying this set was all of the second and none of the first, and it brought pleasure on that level. I look forward to my next builds, which should arrive tomorrow (what could they be??).

Tomorrow is another day, and I am looking forward to living it exuberantly, which may be a challenge. My wife’s income varies due to the nature of her work, and this month was lower than expected, which puts paying bills and affording necessities at a bit of puzzle to be solved. However, considering what we’ve been through and how big needs have been met this past summer, I think we will be ok. But it is still scary to look at a new month and wonder how we will, in fact, make it through. As Sam Gamgee would say “Let’s just make it down the hill, for starters.”

That catches me up from July to September in things I have been writing about. It has been an eventful few months, and the rest of the year looks to be no different, though I do hope it will be calmer overall. I am looking forward to the holiday season in 2022, and what it, too, may bring. Today has been a relatively good day, despite the bit of bad news this morning regarding income, but for now I’m settling down with a baseball game between my Cleveland Guardians and the Kansas City Royals. Go Guards!

Lessons from the Jedi

What do you do when the world is crumbling all around you, or feels like it? Is that the time to give in? Do you forsake all else and focus on survival? Or is survival meaningless without the stories we tell each other to make sense of life preserved?

I haven’t done anything creative in weeks. Personal troubles at home, tragedy with a housemate, and the deteriorating state of things has left me completed drained. I can’t shake the despair. I was doing so well, and now I feel as if I can’t win and that evil is taking over.

I can’t ignore the pain and utter hopelessness exploding around me. There’s a bit in the Star Wars: Return of the Jedi novelization in which Luke Skywalker is hiding from Darth Vader on the second Death Star, trying to shut out his thoughts of Leia, to save her from the twisted machinations of the Dark Lord. And yet, at that exact moment, she cries out in pain. The text says that Luke had

“…no way to hide what was in his mind—Leia was in pain. Her agony cried to him now, and his spirit cried with her. He tried to shut it out, to shut it up, but the cry was loud, and he couldn’t stifle it, couldn’t leave it alone, had to cradle it openly, to give it solace.”
Star Wars: Return of the Jedi by Donald F. Glut

It’s a beautiful bit written by Donald F. Glut, and it’s how I feel at the moment. People are crying out in pain and I must give their cries solace.

But I have allies in the fight. Leia had Han, and Chewie, to stand with her. Luke felt her pain, but it wasn’t his to endure. He felt it, and then had to let it go. He quickly learned that to keep Leia safe he had to lean on his faith in his friends, and focus on what was in front of him, namely, defeating the evil inside of Anakin that was Vader. For me, my fight is against my depression, the despair inside of me. When I have a handle on that fight, then I can turn to help others in their oppression.

The Jedi religion focuses on letting go, on trusting in something greater than yourself, and in taking each moment as a whole in itself. The Jedi is mindful, calm, at peace. Not unconcerned, but aware. Ready to engage, but also still and in the moment. Cognizant of the darkness around but firmly in the light.

I want to be Jedi-like in my manner, and in my expression. Able to reach out and help another at any moment, and yet centered and free to be myself. The world isn’t actually falling apart. Things are bad. It feels, at times, that the Sith are winning, that the Empire has got a choke-hold on things, but as long as there is a resistance, there is hope. And rebellions are built on hope!

In the end, Luke only persevered, saved his father, and defeated evil by surrendering. I think for me that means I must stop taking it all on myself. That’s how I win, not by fighting what I hate, but by saving what I love. It doesn’t all live and die with me. Darkness is burned away by even the littlest spark catching fire. I light those fires with my creativity, my joy, and my exuberance for life.

If you need me, I’ll be communing with the Living Force, and clearing my mind of darkness. I will be reaching out with my feelings, and lighting all the sparks that I can.