Category: Uncategorized

I am fighting an existential battle. Not a war of bullets and blood, but of brains and soul. I have never read Nietzsche, but I like to imagine him a macabre sort of fun at parties in life despite the public perception of his posthumous reputation.

I don’t know what the purpose is to life. Why celebrate and laugh; why create and read; why travel and live? I have no idea. Death comes for us all. Could be a brain aneurysm, could be an auto accident, could be old age after 110 years. As the Lord Denethor muses in the Return of the King: “why do the fools fly? better to die sooner than late!” meaning that at least a heroic death before the gates of the White City of Minis Tirith is preferable to a long, lingering life.

Of late, I seem to have clothed myself in the cloak of despair and embraced the cold, clammy hand of meaninglessness. I go about my day. I smile. I pat the dog. But there is no joy behind my eyes or in my heart. Why should there be?

When death comes, and come it will, and no one will well remember my name, my voice, or long think on my deeds, what is the purpose of breathing words, or etching a name, or doing any deeds at all? I have no idea. Is doing things their own reward? Is living for the moment, the here and now, and for the immediate alive-ness of it all? If so, I find little pleasure in any of it.

I used to write poems, short stories, essays. Now my pen is full of ink and my page is dry as the desert. I used to take pictures, capture the beauty and fun of things. Now I have 24 exposures and the film, though wound, is blank. I used to live to enjoy, and to laugh, and to experience, but now I linger. I have a friend who longs for an ending, and I don’t know what to say for I would need to have it said to me.

I’ve quoted before on this blog words of lifting up, of hope, and of courage. I read them now and I feel not their import or their meaning. Their ringing is muted, and hollow, like a broken bell unable to resound loudly throughout the town. A thunk that quietly, and suddenly, peters out into air and dirt.

What am I to do? Unless a quick end renders me dead, I may look forward to more years yet on this dying rock than I have yet lived. I used to spend my time burning in the fires of rage, and feeling deep things. Dark, but deep things. Now the palette has breadth, but lacks the depth it once had. All through a glass darkly?

I want to create, to live, to enjoy, to smile and feel it. I cannot. I don’t know what purpose there is in any of those things. I am not suicidal. I don’t want to die: I want to live. I guess I don’t know how.

There is no happy ending to this one, no hopeful speech or rousing hurrah. Just a crying out, not in pain for that would require something that could feel pain, just a weak, pathetic shout of “Why!?”

Oh. Hello.

Last year I experimented with starting a podcast. It didn’t go so well. I found it awkward to talk without an audience to listen, and couldn’t get straight in my head who my audience was anyway. The actual process was frustrating because I kept stumbling over words and having to re-record and deal with technical complications.

I have been, and always will be, a word-monger. Writing is my “first, best destiny” to quote the great Mr. Spock. Therefore, I am reviving my blog. I have so many things I wish to say, and desire to add my voice in a constructive and positive way (I hope) to the global conversation. What I had intended for the podcast will be written up here.

It may be, after some time, I will attempt the podcast again. I am still intrigued by the platform. What I may do at that point is use my blog posts as a script for an audio-blog. Vlogs exists, why not a public personal log? I imagine myself as Lando Calrissian (though nowhere near as handsomely as Donald Glover) with my feet up on the dash of the Millennium Falcon speaking into a holo-recorder. I now suddenly want an office that is a recreation of the Falcon cockpit. Dreams!

Anyway, this is my re-launch of a regular posting schedule (TBD). Update your feeds and subscriptions, or simply watch this space. I have much to say, and can’t wait to say it. By the way, I don’t want to merely monologue. Let this be a dialogue, a discussion. I have a gmail that you can send any and all thoughts to. With your permission, I may respond in a future post. I do have a social media presence, but I don’t use anything but Instagram regularly and that is only for my photography and fun. For the moment social media is much more of a depressor than a stimulator. In the before times, it was a way to meet and collaborate and to be inspired, but not so much anymore, sadly.

Now, I send this little announcement out into cyberspace and trust to follow this humble beacon with a fleet of explorative thoughts. Thanks for listening.

All I want for Christmas are a few little things. Feel free to ignore this list and buy me something really cool, or if you are feeling stuck, pick something and stick it under my parent’s tree. Suffice to say, if you don’t know how to get it under my parent’s tree (or contact me), you should probably be buying a gift for someone closer to your home tree. But thanks for the thought.

1. iPad Mini 4 or 2 $399+ or $269+, any capacity, prefer Space Gray, available almost anywhere iPad minis are sold. See http://www.apple.com/ipad-mini-4/

2. LEGO Palace Cinema #10232 $149.99, available on shop.lego.com or maybe your local Lego Store. See http://shop.lego.com/en-US/Palace-Cinema-10232?fromListing=listing

3. LEGO Darth Vader #75111 $29.99, available on shop.lego.com or anywhere Lego is sold (Lego Store, Walmart, Target, Toys R Us). See http://shop.lego.com/en-US/Darth-Vader-75111?fromListing=listing

4. LEGO Clone Commander Cody #75108 $19.99, available on shop.lego.com or anywhere Lego is sold (Lego Store, Walmart, Target, Toys R Us). See http://shop.lego.com/en-US/Clone-Commander-Cody-75108?fromListing=listing

5. LEGO Rey’s Speeder #75099 $19.99, available on shop.lego.com or anywhere Lego is sold (Lego Store, Walmart, Target, Toys R Us). See http://shop.lego.com/en-US/Rey-s-Speeder-75099?fromListing=listing

6. shop.lego.com gift card, any amount, so I can buy my own Lego. See http://shop.lego.com/en-US/Gift-Cards

7. ThinkGeek.com gift card, any amount, so I can buy something geeky. I would have listed a bunch of stuff, but the list is way too long. I’ll be just as happy to pick something myself. See https://www.thinkgeek.com/brain/order/certificate.cgi

8. iTunes gift card, any amount, sold almost anywhere gift cards are sold (Walmart, Target, etc) and online. I have a massive list of music, movies, and TV shows that I want and my preferred outlet for media is iTunes. See http://www.apple.com/shop/accessories/giftcards

9. Clothing – Take me shopping for best fits! – I need a nice sweater or two for church, size is XXL. I love geeky/nerdy/Star Wars apparel, such as socks and T-shirts (XXL).

10. I love the Green Bay Packers, the Cleveland Indians, and Star Wars. So anything related to those three franchises will sure be a hit.

Thank you and Merry Christmas!

From the universes of BattleTech and MechWarrior…

To: Field Marshall Appo
From: Colonel Cody
Re: Hellcats

Sir, you requested a recommendation from me for your new special forces lance and I think I have just the unit you are looking for. The Hellcats, led by Lance Commander Hilary Cross, is an all female lance of heavy assault mechs. They emerged after the heavy losses during the Battle of Crimson Moon. Several mangled units were thrown together to form a new lance and it wasn’t until later that someone noticed that every dossier was labeled “F”. Someone in command shrugged it off and ordered them into combat. The offensives were vicious and most didn’t care where the cannon fodder came from or what it was made of. They needed soldiers, and gender simply wasn’t a factor. It wasn’t until the Battle of Crimson Moon became the Crimson Moon Offensive, the name alteration implying a change from stalemate trench war fought mostly with missile mechs to a winning campaign fought by everybody else, that anybody noticed that this all-female lance was leading the charge. Word spread, and the word in lance command was that they had synced their periods with their combat rotation so as to be as fierce as possible in battle. Mostly I think that’s horseshit, but there is no denying their effectiveness. The Hellcats boast more enemy kills than the rest of the battalions in their brigade. It is my recommendation, Marshall, that the Hellcats be given the best of material, armor and ammunition and be upgraded from combat lance to special forces lance and given missions accordingly. I don’t think you will find a more devastating lance of heavy mechs on this moon and to pull an elite force from a different arena would not only waste a dropship, but be to the detriment of the overall offensive. The Hellcats are already familiar with the enemy, the terrain, and the objectives. Properly equipped, they’ll do the job and then some. Let the basterds from Clan Osiris meet up with the Hellcats in the dark alley of Crimson Canyon and see who emerges victorious. It won’t be no dandy pants royalty that’s for sure!

Hey there, everyone, anyone who reads this blog or who has read it in the past,

I am thinking about what to do with this blog. For a while there I was using it was a portal for my poetry, while I was regularly writing poetry. But I am not doing that anymore and I find myself with a blog and nothing regular to write on it.

Except that I often have a lot to say, and no one to say it to, or nowhere to say it, except this dusty old blog of mine.

So, if it’s ok with you, I am going to start saying things here. Feel free to read them and respond and have a good time with it or ignore it completely. I won’t mind. Often I just want someone to talk to, and the good ole’ internet of friends, family, and complete strangers will sometimes suffice just fine.

Thanks,

Phil RedBeard

Hello.

If you are new to this blog, welcome. If you aren’t, welcome all the same.

I hope you enjoy your time here. Whether you are an old or new reader, maybe you don’t know me personally and are wondering about me. Wonder no more. I have written a short bio and included a picture of myself on my new “About Me” page which you can access via the link back there or via the link on the menu bar above this post.

I am glad you decided to stop by and read what I wrote, I hope you do so often. Thanks.

Phil Redbeard

It all happened so fast, yet it took months. A few questions, a few tense moments, and four years of marriage was wiped away.

I am now an ex-husband with an ex-wife. I never wanted it, I didn’t ask for it, but it is. I take full responsibility for the parts that are my fault. It takes two to make a marriage, and without laying blame I nevertheless refuse to take the whole burden on myself for a crumbled conjoining.

I’ve been reflecting on it all day, both my marriage and my divorce. I’ve been trying to recall all the fun times, the good times, the joy and happiness we shared. I’ve been trying to forget everything that broke apart, the bad times, the bitterness and the frustrations that drove a wedge between us.

The Doctor once said that “every life is a pile of good things and bad things. The good things don’t always soften the bad things, but vice versa the bad things don’t always spoil the good things and make them unimportant.”

I love my ex-wife. I always will. She is a very dear friend, a wonderful woman, and a very significant part of my last ten years. I can’t and won’t regret any part of that. We met in Papua New Guinea. We experienced Lithuania. We danced in Red Square in the cold of midnight. We drove across America together, east and west and north and south. We both hurt each other; we both loved each other. Good things and bad things. As much as our bad things piled up and led to a parting, our good things still exist, still enrich us.

I refuse to let this divorce define me any more than my marriage defined me. Both happened to me, both made and are making me who I am, who I will be. I will miss being married. I will miss my wife. I will be sad. But just as my marriage wasn’t forever, neither will my divorce be forever. Nothing lasts forever. Even the stars burn out and go cold and dark.

So what now? What next? These questions have also been on my mind. At the moment, I have no answers. I am waiting to see what life will bring next. I am holding my breath and I don’t quite know why. I can’t help but feel something else is coming my way. I am looking for new good things to balance the new bad things.

Thank you to everyone who has made this transition from married to single as easy and as stress free as possible. I have experienced such an outpouring of love and support from family and friends that as one stage of my life ends I know that many people will stand with me through every stage of life.

And if you are reading, Hannah Joy, thank you for everything you have given me. It’s made me who I am. I am a better person today for knowing you these past ten years. I hope to be your friend long into the future; I hope you find plenty of good things to counterbalance your bad things.

For now I have my pup and a brand new future. And it is enough.

I remain,

Phil Redbeard

The way I see it, there are three options: there is no god; god doesn’t care; god isn’t who we think he is.

The problem is pain. I am staring down the barrel of my marriage ending. I don’t want it to, there is nothing I can do to stop it, and all I can do is watch it happen. I happen to live in a no-fault divorce state, not that my wife is really claiming any fault: she just wants out. I follow a woman on twitter who is facing betrayal from her significant other. She wants to know why someone who owns a Ferrari would test drive Escorts and Pintos. I wonder the same thing, not that I am any Ferrari, but when you have a solid, albeit quirky Corolla, why rush to dump it for a bicycle?

And it isn’t just relational pain that I see every day, in every corner of the world, in every body’s eyes. But that pain is closest to my bleeding heart today.

So: god. He is supposed to be all powerful, all good, all knowing, and all caring. So why doesn’t he do something about all this pain? This is a classic question, and the classic atheist answer is “obviously, there is no god”. The problem with that pat answer is it ignores humanity completely.

We humans are terrible creatures who insist on being terrible to each other. So much of the pain I see in the world and in the mirror is because one human isn’t being awesome towards another human. To be honest, I wasn’t awesome to my wife. A lot of it wasn’t my fault as I suffer from depression, but some of it was, and fault aside, I was making her life terrible. I saw the pain in her eyes and there wasn’t anything I could do about it. Sometimes I saw the pain in her eyes and chose not to do anything about it. I think god, if he exists, is the same way. I would hazard a guess that he has left us humans to our own devices long ago. Maybe he tried to interfere, make our world better, and maybe we killed him over it. Maybe we told him to sod off. Maybe he left.

I don’t know. I just want to make sense of all the tears I am crying, try to make them mean something, try to find solace in the suffering. So I reach out for a god, but I just don’t feel anybody reaching back. I feel totally alone. I have asked for help, asked for answers, asked for insight in this whole god thing, and the consistent answer I get is that if I search after god, if I seek, I will find. So far, that hasn’t been the case. 

It seems to me that if god is there and is wanting to make the loving choice to end some pain he would do it on the quiet, on the down low, on the personal level. He can’t stop natural disasters, he can’t stop people being terrible, but he should be able to make my heart bleed a little less, make the pain of the ending less intense. So where is he? Where is god? Wherever he is, he isn’t here. He isn’t listening to me. I don’t want much, just a drop of water to cool my tongue in this hell I’m living in, and it isn’t dripping down from on high.

So does that mean there is no god? Maybe not. But it certainly makes me wonder.

All I know is my pain and it isn’t going away. But that is life, and it only reaffirms to me that I am human, and there I am in good company. I pick up, I walk, and I continue living in spite of my pain. I do what seems impossible and that makes me mighty.

If you are suffering, if you are in pain, know that you are not alone. You can keep going, you can walk. You can do the impossible and join the legions of impossibly mighty people who are doing exactly the same thing. Maybe that is the solace in the suffering.

I hope, suddenly, that this isn’t just so much whining and complaining. I find it helpful to write through my struggles, but I can only write if I imagine (and make it possible that) someone might read what I write. So here’s to you, someone. God or not, we can at least take a few more steps and keep praying. Let’s lean on each other and walk a little further down the dusty road.

the path ahead is veiled
the ship from shore has sailed
I know not where I walk
specters beside me stalk
my heart is sad and weeps
my soul longs for sleep
weary I must trod along
within my mind a song
of tears and bitter memories
along the way mine enemies
spit and shout harsh words
they brandish, cut like swords
drip drop the plops of blood
I wash away with the flood
I long for days of warm sun
a time when smiles mean fun
instead of shields for pain
a shelter from the storm of rain
I know not where the path leads
or what will grow from these seeds
I only hope for a better day
and to walk a clearer way
I only wish for a kindred spirit
someone I can hold dearest
through the storm crows and ravens
within whose arms I find haven
a companion along the broken road
till then I stumble along the wode
pulling tattered cloak close about
in effort to keep the despair out
while I wander, wander on…