a simple man

Challenges

Exactly a year ago today I was sitting right where I am sitting now, breathing oxygen through a hose up my nose. I had been released from the hospital that morning after having been treated for about a week for Covid-pneumonia. I am glad to have been given the chance to make it home. So many with Covid have not.

But, I feel that having Covid, and the long time it took to recover, derailed my 2021. Sure, I got plenty accomplished, such as my book of poetry, and my wife and I even went on a vacation to Michigan, but I certainly didn’t start last year how I wanted to.

2022 is different. I feel energized with possibility, and with ambition, for the first time in a very long time. Moving forward with the momentum from Whiskey Poetry, and with the realization that I can accomplish anything I put my mind to, I am ready to be challenged with more.

Challenge. That is my word, my mantra, for 2022. I want to challenge myself to continue, to move forward, to accomplish, to succeed. To do. And I have a few ideas for challenges. A few are already in motion.

1. Photography

I have already begun a 52 week photography challenge. The idea is simple: take one photo every week, all year. I took the first photo a few days ago at the end of 2022 week one. 51 more to go! I found a website called Dogwood Photography that has 52 weeks of ideas and prompts already in place, and I am somewhat loosely following that plan. I am really excited to do this! I tried a similar project a few years ago, but never quite finished. I would really love to complete the challenge this year.

2. Reading

I want to read 12 books this year, novels or non-fiction. I have a bunch of novels that I received over Christmas, or that I have purchased recently, including a few old books I haven’t read in a long time. Among them are J.R.R. Tolkien’s Beren and Luthien and The Fall of Gondolin which I have never before read. I also have a list of recommended books that I’ll need to check out of the library. Either way, I want to read one book every month this year. I need to get started, too, as we are already 10 days in! This is in addition to the Art of Star Wars… books that I have been purchasing and reading through. I am not counting those because they are, of course, art heavy and reading lite, but they are delightful to page through.

3. Writing

My wife started writing a book last year, a “how-to” on the writing process. I began to help her flesh out ideas and bulk up sections, but got sidetracked and never finished my part of the book. I want to pick that up and take it to completion, at least to where she can do her bit and maybe we can self-publish it. I think it would be fun, and another big accomplishment to have that done. I also want to continue writing here on my blog, where I have been somewhat consistently writing two posts a month. That seems sustainable and easy enough. Excelsior!

4. Crafting

I have three projects that I have picked up this year. First is a picture book. When my sister’s first daughter was a year old, I made her a photo album chronicling her first year. Now she acquired a second daughter and wants her to have a first year photo album, too. I am happy to oblige.

Second, my mother has hundreds of photos from my childhood, her childhood, and whatnot, that need to be digitized. We plan to buy a scanner and I will scan them and archive them. I expect that both of these projects will take some months to complete.

Third, I would like to continue my own painting, making, and crafting. I don’t want to lose any of the momentum that I have built over the past two years doing things in the newness of the challenges I have listed for 2022. To that end, with some Christmas money, I bought two Bandai model kits: a 1:12 scale Mandalorian and a tiny scale Razor Crest. Those will be only my second and third ever model kits, but I am excited to build them.

It will take some daring and scheduling legerdemain to pull these challenges off, but I think it is possible. Like I said at the top, I feel energized and ready to go. I know it will be difficult, that my depression will hinder me. I know that real life will often intrude, but that is what makes all of these challenges. Without that, it would be easy, and I probably wouldn’t bother. Let’s see how this goes!

What challenges have you made for yourself this year? Maybe you call them resolutions, or something else, but what are you hoping to achieve in 2022? Let me know, I’d love to hear from you.

Mission: Accomplished

I set out at the end of July last year to compile and self-publish a book of poetry. I gave myself the goal of finishing the book by the end of 2021, so that in 2022 I could figure out distributing it and making it available.

I am thrilled to announce that as of a few days ago, I have done exactly that! Whiskey Poetry: A Collection is now live!

The book was finished on December 31, 2021. I formatted it and uploaded it to the AppleBooks store just a few days later. January 5, 2022, it was available for download. The following day, I reformatted the book (a necessary chore) and uploaded it to the Kindle store. Both Apple and Amazon made it relatively easy to figure out and go through the entire process. The software for releasing a Kindle version of a book also allows the author to have a print-on-demand version available as well, so I ticked those boxes.

My first in-real-life copy of my book should be delivered tomorrow so I can check it out. Funny story: I forgot to include a Table of Contents for the Kindle/paperback version (an oversight I have since remedied) so this copy will lack that necessary feature, but this is my personal copy, so I don’t mind. Rest assured, if you buy the Apple, Kindle, or paperback version of my book of poetry, it will be complete!

Speaking of which, I added a page to my blog, clickable above or via this link that lists links to the various versions and stores where you can purchase your very own copy. I trust if you do so you really enjoy reading my poetry, and share it with your friends.

Really this is a bigger achievement for me than it might seem. At this time last year, I was in the hospital with Covid-pneumonia, unsure if I would walk out of the hospital or exit through the morgue. It was really that close. Obviously, I survived, but ever after I began thinking about my life, and what I had and had not done, what I wanted to do, and feeling a new appreciation for living. Part of that was a renewal to myself of all the things that I enjoyed and found pleasure in. That journey I am still continuing.

One waypoint on that trek was compiling my poetry, and releasing it into the world, and I am so happy to have done so. It may not be through traditional publishing, but to me it feels just as real and just as exciting. Maybe someday that will come, but for now, this fulfills my dreams. I can’t believe I actually did it, and in just five months.

Thanks for following along with my progress on my blog, from start and now to finish. I have lots of things planned for 2022, so stay tuned for what comes next! I feel so energized and ready for a challenge.

Best of: 2021

Last year in December I wrote about my best things from the year. I wanted to keep the tradition alive, so here are my best things from 2021.

The beginning of A Christmas Carol, “Marley was dead, to begin with” is fitting for this beginning, save I will modify it: “Redbeard was alive, to begin with”: my best thing about 2021 is that I am still here. What I could not have know when I wrote my best of for 2020 was that just about two weeks later, I would be in the hospital hoping to make it out alive. I contracted a very bad case of Covid+pneumonia. My thanks to the medical teams and medical science that helped me to survive. Seriously, to go from not being able to sleep because I simply could not breathe, to alarming doctors with how bad things were, to a week later walking out of the hospital, albeit on oxygen, is nothing short of a modern miracle. So to begin my best of for 2021? Life.

Best of

#2: iPad Air

I started my best of: 2020 with the iPad Air 2 that I received from my father, and talked about upgrading. Reader, I did upgrade to the green iPad Air that I wanted. It is still a magical device, just quicker and slicker and greener. I also did get an Apple Pencil, but I just didn’t have a space in my workflow for it, and never used it artistically like I thought I would, so I sold it and recouped my money. And that is ok, in fact it is necessary for a progressively better life. Find what works and keep it; find what doesn’t work and part ways with it.

#3: Bluetooth Keyboard

While the Apple Pencil didn’t make the cut, an iPad accessory did: a Bluetooth keyboard by seenda, a brand I found on Amazon. It is backlit, and has a slot to stand up an iPad that is wide enough to accommodate an iPhone at the same time. Would work for other tablets/phones I suppose, but I use Apple. It has been magnificent for writing on this blog, and all other writing that I do. It isn’t the lightest Bluetooth keyboard, but it is portable and about the same profile as my iPad, so I can take them both with me to write on the go, which I did this summer on my vacation.

#4: Ewoks and Jawas, oh my!

My wife is a master crochet artist, and has been making me mini Star Wars characters out of yarn. I have a stormtrooper, a Chewie, a Jabba the Hutt, and many, many others. They are tiny and soft and adorable. Two of my favorites are the diminutive Ewok and Jawa. They sit by my computer and keep me company while I work. If you want your own, contact me and I will see if I can convince her to do more on commission.

#5: Vans

I bought a few new pairs of shoes this year, and by far my favorite have been the pair of Vans SK8 Hi Mte shoes I bought. They are more of a hiking shoe than the traditional skateboarding shoe that Van is famous for, but boy are they comfortable and fashionable (to my way of thinking). I put red laces on mine. The only “flaw” is that they have extra lining to make them warm, a feature I don’t need during the majority of the Texas year, but these days when it is (sometimes) 50F or below, they are really the best.

#6: My Room (Name TBD)

I converted our downstairs spare room into my hobby room. I still haven’t found a name for it. Man Cave? Too bro. Workshop? Not quite. My room? Too child. I don’t know what to call it, but it is the space I have to work on making, taking photos, building LEGO, painting, and I write down there sometimes, too. I’ve made, and continue to make it, a room where I can hang out and do anything I need or want. My wife found me a curbside find that has been wonderful: a wooden easel/drawing table. I can’t believe someone was getting rid of it, but I am glad they did. It has been perfect for painting. By the way, have a name suggestion for my room? Email me.

#7 HomePod Mini and Mac Mini

I am grouping these two together. I upgraded my 9 year old MacBook Pro for a brand new M1 Mac Mini this summer. I only use my computer for work, and occasionally other things (eBay is annoying to use in the iOS apps), but I did need some new hardware for the future and it was a good time to upgrade with the new Apple Silicon being released. Plus, not having a laptop means I cannot take work with me on vacation, and I really appreciate being able to say that I need to take a break from work and not feel guilty for doing so. I simply cannot work on the go, and that is a fantastic feeling.

We have a nice TV, but were using the built in speakers for sound, and reader, they were not great. A dedicated sound bar was not my cup of tea either. I wanted a bit more personality, so I settled on a paired set of HomePod Minis. They work flawlessly with my Apple TV 4K (future proof (for a while)), and utilize voice command to play music or answer queries via Siri. Sound for movies and TV shows is respectable and much better than before.

#8 Disney+

Lastly, I have been watching some incredible Marvel and Star Wars TV shows through my Disney+ subscription. My wife and I finished season 2 of The Mandalorian and await The Book of Boba Fett coming next week. I have also watched WandaVision, Loki, The Falcon and the Winter Soldier, and am about to finish Hawkeye. All have been amazing. I can’t wait for more to arrive next year. And that isn’t even mentioning the movies, Pixar entertainment, and other things I’ve been watching on the platform. All in all, it remains worth every penny I spend each month on the subscription fee.

Honorable mentions in this list include the record player my dad bought me for Christmas last year (I love relaxing to a record in the afternoons), a few LEGO sets such as the large R2-D2 I admire every time I see it, various Star Wars Black Series action figures to photograph, and a digital scale I bought for shipping things that my wife and I sell.

So tell me: what are your best things for 2021? Objects, life lessons, media – all are acceptable. I’d love to hear what you have found to appreciate this year. Looking back on our blessings helps us focus beyond all the terrible things that, rightly sometimes, bring us down. Life is balance, and can’t all be a pile of bad things. It must also be a pile of good things. So what are yours?

See you in 2022, and truly, may it be better than 2021 in all ways!

The Magnificent Seven

I saw that a friend of my brother’s, Adam Volle, posted about his seven favorite books. It was an old Facebook challenge, and anyway go read his post and then come back here.

Back? Great. I am doing it myself. I was inspired, and thinking about my seven favorite books has got me really wanting to read all of them again. I have read these seven (twelve?) many, many times. I haven’t read most of them in a while.

I don’t read as much. I used to read voraciously. I know it’s cliche to say it that way, but it’s true. I did. Now I can’t focus, or something, and so don’t read hardly at all. I find it a tragedy. But these books started it all for me.

Star Wars by Various

This is really three books, because forever I’ve had the one volume that collects Star Wars, The Empire Strikes Back, and Return of the Jedi into one. I know these are novelizations based on screenplays, but they exist as a bit of literature nonetheless. I love the character studies that emerge in Jedi, the diction in Star Wars, and I can’t beat the story of Empire. In all, I’ve read this three-in-one more than any other in this list.

20,000 Leagues Under the Sea by Jules Verne

My first science fiction novel. Jules Verne was my gateway drug, my first love, and my first deep dive (ahem) into a vast new world. I wore the cover off my copy and recently hunted down and bought a new version of the same book because I love the translation from the French. I’ve read other translations, but that one was the one that first entranced me, so I’ll always prefer it. (The cover art I’m showcasing here is similar, but I don’t think it’s the same translation as what I’ve mentioned, and mine didn’t have the introduction by Ray Bradbury).

Outcast of Redwall by Brian Jacques

The Redwall series is formulaic, predictable, and hella fun. In this story, Jacques subverts a lot of his own paradigms. For me, that makes it worth mentioning above every other book in the series. The reason why I keep coming back to this story, even more so than Martin the Warrior (the first Redwall novel I read) is the central friendship between the main two characters. Their bond transcends life and death and it gets me every time. The cover art I am showing is the back of the book, and I would frame this art if I could find it large enough.)

The Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings by JRR Tolkien

I was late to the work and world of Tolkien. It wasn’t until the films were about to come out, long about 2000, that my mom (who wouldn’t let me read Harry Potter because witchcraft and wizards) suddenly wanted me to read about wizards and hobbits and magic. Go figure. Anyway, I was hooked for life. I read them once every year since 2000 until about a few years after college, when I stopped being able to concentrate on reading so well. But I want to inject Tolkien into my veins. Since I can’t do that, I have it tattooed on my arms, but these books always rank high for me. (By the way, I know I am sneaking four books into one, but they really are one long, long story. So I think it counts, especially if the Star Wars trilogy counts as one. Which it does.)

Shoeless Joe by WP Kinsella

There are few things more magical to me than baseball. This novel catches all of that in one volume. I haven’t read it in years, but it’s on my bedside table because I want to read it again so badly. Alas. But I’ll keep a special place in my heart for Joe and Iowa.

I, Robot by Isaac Asimov

Once I branched out from the Star Wars Expanded Universe (Legacy) I started to read my dad’s collection of Isaac Asimov. First among them was I, Robot, which is a collection of short stories about robots. I know, pretty obvious. Seeing as Asimov is a master of science fiction, it’s ok to be a little on the metal nose. Anyway, these are hilarious, thought provoking and sometimes truly sublime stories, and all somehow about a strong female character that is the great robopsychologist Dr. Susan Calvin. In a world dominated by men, she made them listen to her, and that always stayed with me.

Dune by Frank Herbert

Yes, it is now a major motion picture (again, but let’s not go back to 1984 shall we?) but I read it way before I watched the 1984 film, and have really dug this weird and ecologically religious story. It addicts me every time I read it and I can’t quit it. This book, as much as the others on this list, fundamentally transformed the way I think.

And there you have it: my magnificent seven. Honorable mentions include Moby-Dick, The Martian, Around the World in 80 Days, Ender’s Game, Frankenstein, The Mystery of the Stuttering Parrot, Mrs. Frisby and the Rats of NIHM, and, well, I could go on.

I really need to solve this focus problem and get reading again. It is very frustrating to not be able to do the one thing I loved above all else once upon a time.

Whiskey Poetry

My book of poetry is coming along very well. You can read more about it here. I recently received feedback from most of my readers, and have been editing poems and getting them ready for publication.

But that is only half of the job.

The other half is a little more difficult, and involves naming the book of poetry and organizing it. I was finding this particularly challenging. For me, naming something is a process that helps me to figure out the soul of the thing. When naming, I define whatever it is in a way that allows me to hold the sum of it in my head. The organization of the book of poetry had stalled because I hadn’t named it and therefore couldn’t fully understand what it wanted it to be.

Sure, I could have simply listed the poems from A to Z alphabetically by title, but that would lack personality and emotion. It would be less a book of poetry and more a listing of poetry. That isn’t what I am going for. So I have been hunting for a name ever since I began this project.

The other day, I was writing a caption for a photo I was posting on social media, and when I was typing “Ten years ago…” I accidentally wrote it as “Ten tears ago…” and the emotion of that statement really struck a chord. It burrowed into my mind and the rest of the day I pondered permutations of that theme. Eventually, come evening, I had teased out something related to a concept that has long been in my head: Graham Greene wrote a novel named The Power and the Glory. It is about a Catholic priest on the run from a government enforcer. The Mexican government has outlawed the practice of the Catholic religion, and this priest, intent on fulfilling his religious duties, is trying to stay a step ahead of the law. The hitch? The priest is a drunk. Because of this, Greene calls his priest a “whiskey priest” to which he adds the idea of a broken, imperfect practitioner of his profession. That idea has stayed with me ever since I read The Power and the Glory and it even made it into three of my poems, to be included in this collection.

So powerful is this theme with me that while I was thinking about it, I realized that my collection of poems could be nothing else but the writings of a “whiskey poet”. I am an imperfect writer, who nonetheless loves poetry and refuses to put down my pen and stop writing, no matter what. The emotion and feeling involved in writing is undeniable and I cannot nullify the effect it has on my life and psyche.

I introduce: The Whiskey Poetry, A Collection, coming early 2022.

Now that I have a title, a theme, and an emotion to build off of, I have begun to have all sorts of ideas about the structure and the organization of the collection. Already I know how, and more importantly, why I want to order my poems as I do. I still haven’t figured everything out, but I have a starting point. I can make progress and build forward momentum from there. I am very excited about what this will become.

For now, though, I have more work to do!

Silences

I announced back in July that I was starting production on a podcast. The RedBeard Podcast is officially not happening. To use a film industry term, it is in development hell.

I had launched a GoFundMe to help me afford podcasting equipment that has exactly zero donations, and is now also shut down.

Why?

That’s an excellent question with multiple answers.

First: I am working on a book of poetry. I want to focus all my efforts on launching that book, and the podcast diverts attention away from that.

Second: anxiety. Every time I thought about the podcast and tried to start planning, I would flounder in a sea of negative thoughts and feelings. Like most people, I don’t like the sound of my own voice, and couldn’t imagine hearing myself speak, even just to edit the podcast. Beyond that, would I have enough to talk about? Could I sustain multiple episodes? What if no one listened? It became too much to endure, so I stopped thinking and planning. When that happens, it usually means I am headed down a wrong turn. The best way to recover an errant direction is to take the next exit to a new way.

Third: I have other projects I could focus on instead. For example, my wife started a book last November and this spring I began to help her edit and expand the text. I put that project on hold and have yet to reactivate it. That is something that I want to finish so that it too can be launched into the world. I also have photography, painting, and other making to do. All of those take time, and podcasting would be a huge time commitment with planning, recording, editing, and publishing. Even with one episode a month, as previously planned, I could see the podcast absorbing all my available energy and time. And I don’t like being tied down like that.

Fourth: finding a voice. I mentioned a bit ago that I had anxiety about the topics, and that is part of a larger problem. I had not found a Voice, no point of view that felt like it needed to be amplified. I do not represent a segment of the world population that needs to be projecting itself. That is not to say that my words are not valuable, or that I do not deserve a say, or anything like that. What I mean is that there are too many people who resemble me already speaking. I would be taking air time, however minuscule, away from other voices that do need to be heard. Until and unless that changes, I should work to amplify their voices instead of launching my own.

One of my heroes, Wil Wheaton of Star Trek and geek fame has done what he calls a Radio Free Burrito for years. It is like an itinerant podcast. It comes and goes, popping up whenever he has time, or desire, to record something. He releases one whenever he feels like it, with no set schedule or commitment. Maybe The RedBeard Podcast, when it finds its Voice, could be like that. It could sneak up on you, be present, and then fade away until the next appearance. I remain fascinated, despite everything, with the idea of an audible medium of expression. I find it hard to think that I would never do something in that space. Now is apparently not the time, so the idea will be put on hold.

It is ok to start something and never finish it. I was taught, either outright or by example, that Not Finishing was a Bad Thing. There are many reasons why I was taught this, but suffice to say, I don’t think it is always healthy or agreeable. As I said earlier, I was a taking a wrong turn and all that will get you is lost. Sometimes it’s ok to quit, to let something die, and go on to something else. Pruning a withered tree limb is healthier for the tree than allowing it to continue to support something dead. Whatever the metaphor, quitting is sometimes the best course of action. On that note, I am quitting my never-started career as a podcaster. Thanks to those who encouraged and helped me thus far on the journey. I do appreciate the insight and support, even it ends here. Knowledge gained is never lost, and can always be alternatively applied. So I will take what I have learned and move forward into other avenues of expression.

Thanks for listening.

Division of Labor

I am working on a compilation book of poetry. To date, I have written over 150 poems. Of those, I selected nearly 80 for inclusion in my book. After a few rounds of edits, I am at or around 73. I then divided those 73 into 4 sections of about 15 to 20.

My next steps are to make sure that each section is cohesive, that the poems in each section belong with each other, and that each individual poem is as strong as it can be.

To that end, I put a call out on Facebook, to my friends and friends of friends, to see if anyone would be willing to proofread a section of poems. I got five interested readers, so I gave one the entire book, and each of the rest a section. I have received feedback so far on two of the sections, and what I received has been overwhelmingly helpful. Once I receive all the notes from my readers, I will sit down and go back through each poem. Utilizing the notes, I will evaluate each poem in light of the section, the book, and its own efficacy.

It has been supremely helpful to solicit readers. I have already learned things that I didn’t know about how my poetry is received, what is confusing, what is great, and what really works. In my case, some of the poems I had written had never been read or disseminated so it was very helpful to get other eyeballs on my work.

Poetry, both the reading and writing, is a very subjective and personal experience. That is both what is fantastic, and dismal, about the art of wordcraft. Therefore, the final decisions on line edits, poem placement, and even inclusion in the overall book must be mine, but I can be guided by my readers to inform each decision.

Thus far, several things are clear. First, my poems are, generally, pretty good. There is a lot of hedging in that sentence, because I have a hard time accepting praise and recognizing my own merit. To a certain degree, most people have that problem. Second, I organized well on a first pass. I have not had many notes about switching poem order, so that means less work to do going forward. Third, while well written, not all poems are clear, or at least, how what I am doing in each poem serves the whole. I have debated for a while whether or not I should add annotations, and while not every poem needs it, I think a few certainly do. Some explanatory writing may be in order. Fourth, my biggest job will be standardization of the little things, like punctuation and capitalization, except where altered for effect or emphasis.

My end goal is to produce three versions of my book, one for the iBook store, one for Kindle, and one for on-demand in-real-life publication by the end of 2021. It will be tight getting there, but I think I can make it. The hardest job there will be getting the technical formatting and everything correct so that it reads like it is supposed to. Already I feel a little overwhelmed, but that is ok: one thing at a time, right?

A shoutout and huge “thank you!” to my five readers. Their work is a tremendous benefit to me, and my book will be better for it. I will give them all a a credit in the book, of course, but they have earned my eternal gratitude.

Help Wanted

I have written previously about wanting to launch a podcast. I love old time radio shows and the idea of podcasting regularly. I would love to have a variety show where I discuss things that I find fascinating, or have guests on to talk about what is interesting to them. My current wish is to start with 12 episodes, one per month, and if successful, ramp up into something more frequent.

Currently that desire is strong, but the ability is lacking. I need about $350 to purchase podcasting equipment, and I don’t have that available. I started a GoFundMe to raise the funds. For each donor, I would be able to have a shout out “This episode brought to you by….” To date, however, I have no donations.

It looks like I will not be able to pursue podcasting at this time. It remains a dream of mine. Some day I will be able to buy a microphone and the other bits and bobs necessary, and when that day comes I will launch The RedBeard Podcast. For now, though, that will be on hold. I will leave the GoFundMe up for the rest of the year, just in hopes that someone might come along.

This is ok. Not every dream is meant to be lived, and not every endeavor is successful. I have plenty of creative outlets, and things I can achieve, and I will throw my effort in those directions. I am still working on my book of poetry; I am still enjoying toy photography, painting, and writing. Podcasting may never come, or it will come lately. I am excited for the future no matter what.

Thanks for following along on this journey, and I hope you keep following for whatever is next.

Making the Cut

I am working on a book of poetry. I have written over 150 poems in my lifetime. I wrote my first poem 21 years ago, when I was just 13. Off and on through high school, and then more intentionally in college and afterwards, I would write a poem or two whenever the inspiration struck.

I am not a disciplined writer, and don’t have a daily habit of writing. For a few years after graduating college, I lived in the grey Midwest of Wisconsin. During one particular winter I took Stephen Fry’s book The Ode Less Traveled (Amazon) and went to Barnes and Noble. Utilizing their cafe space, and overstuffed chairs, I wrote poems regularly for a few weeks, following Fry’s breakdowns of classic poetical forms and easy to follow exercises.

Since then, my poetry has come here and there, as the ideas occurred to me. But, as I have said before, I’ve wanted to compile a book of my poetry to date, to have something tangible to hold and to share with the world. I have recently made a few more strides in that effort.

First, I complied all of my various poems. This was no easy task, as they were spread across many folders in my cloud storage, Facebook, here on my blog (search “poetry” as I’ve usually tagged my posts), and even some not digitized in a notebook I use for writing down thoughts. Finding all of them took quite a while.

Second, I started to edit some of the more, how shall I say, terrible? ones into a poem more palatable. Third, I have recently finished the first round of curation. I have marked all my poems, now organized into categories and folders, as Red Yellow or Green. Red are poems that I do not wish to publish, now or really ever, but don’t wish to delete. Yellow is maybe. I haven’t decided if they warrant revision or simply will become Reds. Last are Green, which I have decided will make the book.

Now comes the next stage of work: organization. How to order the poems in the book? I have around 75 Green poems, and they are on a wide variety of subjects. I have seasonal poems, pastoral poems, poetry about Star Wars and superheroes, about the apocalypse and spirituality. Perhaps what I should do is simply have each in its own enclave in the book, and order those alphabetically. I really don’t know. What I feel like I want to do is print them out, and then I can play with organization physically. As they are now, in the cloud, I can’t really sort through them or even see them all at once. It’s one file at a time, or looking at titles in folders. It is hardly conducive to really getting a grasp on what I have.

Beyond that is the literal book itself. I want to do something more creative with it than simply black words on white pages. I have a book of poetry by the artist Kevin Max, formerly of the Christian rock group dcTalk. He has left the CCM scene far behind, and has at various times released things other than music. One being a book of poetry called Po.Et.Ry. (Which reminds me, I need a title, too. Sigh. So many things to work out.) Anyway, Max’s book has artwork, mostly paintings, as backdrops to his poetry. Maybe I could do something similar? I’ve also seen collections that use photography to sit opposite poems, to illustrate or accent. Ideas abound; but few decisions emerge.

Clearly I have a bit of work in front of me. I rather think the easy part has come and gone and the real labor begins. November is rapidly approaching, and with it a tradition called NaNoWriMo or National Novel Writing Month. I haven’t participated in ages, in fact I may have only attempted it once, but I want to participate this year. Only instead of writing a novel in one month, I want to get my poetry book to 85% completion. That would mean: poems in an order, design completed, and a title apprehended. I want to release this book for the beginning of 2022, and I would like to have December to contemplate the monster I will have created and leave time for tweaking. That way I could launch on time. Also, to date, I have only tinkered on this project in little bursts. November and NaNoWriMo would be a good impetus to work on it every day and make a concentrated effort to finish.

For now, I think I need to warm up my printer and start translating this digital book into real space.

Picking Up the Pieces

Yesterday I was a bit down. I can’t say that I am over the moon today, but I got a good night’s rest and things don’t seem as bleak.

I will always have my depression and other illnesses with me. There is nothing I can do to banish them forever. That is why I am not waking up to delete my previous entry on this blog. I want that to stand as the real take that it is. I feel that way a lot. I deal with those symptoms every day, to varying degrees. That is why I am writing this Sunday morning.

It ain’t all sunshine and roses, but then again, it isn’t all clouds and gloom either. I believe that in most lives you have a balance of the two.

How does one pick up the pieces of a broken life and start again? I ask myself this question often. I’ll say right now that I don’t have a definite answer. But I do have some techniques that work for me.

First: clean up. My muse Adam Savage, former Mythbuster, relates that when he faces a blank page, writer’s block, or a creative impasse, he takes to cleaning. There is always something needing cleaning in his workshop, so he starts by putting away the one tool he knows he doesn’t need. Then he sweeps, or dusts. Straightens the workbench. Takes out the trash. By the time he has finished, he has not only a clean workspace, but usually an idea of what to do.

After a day like yesterday, I find it helpful to clean up my mind. I recharge, reset, and re-energize. I have had a good night’s sleep. That usually does the trick in turning my attitude from grey midwinter to yellow midsummer. I have a good breakfast. (Today was eggs, sausage, and an English muffin.) Then I start on a positive note. (You are reading it.)

Second: forward momentum. Savage is fond of saying that when you don’t know how to proceed on a build or a project, just pick one thing that you know you can do, and do that. Then take the next step after that. And the next. Eventually you will have built the thing or finished the project.

I think I will spend a bit of time today reading through what has been written in the book my wife started, just to take a restock of where I am in the writing process. That task alone may sap my creative energy for today, but it will make it easier to continue the project the next opportunity that I have.

Third: don’t stop. I have found that when I want to take a journey, and the going seems long, it takes more effort to stop than to simply take a few more steps closer to my destination. Every job has some drudgery in it, and gets unpleasant at times, but the end is always closer than it seems. Sometimes it is the peak of the mountain that you can’t see over that is usually soon under your feet. Just keep walking.

Even if I only write a sentence today, or edit a few, I will have made a bit of progress. That is why I am starting with a blog post: I am getting my fingers used to typing and my brain used to writing. Getting in stride, as it were.

Lastly: celebrate the little things. Honestly, life is not one big whole. It is a myriad of little ups and downs, wins and losses, achievements and failures. No one fails completely at life, and no one wins completely. Every day, every hour really, there are opportunities to succeed and to meet a dead end. Yesterday I wrote that I felt like I faced three. Well today, I can celebrate what I have, to whit: a creative spirit and sight to see beyond. In fact, I don’t have three dead ends. I have three new roads to walk down. Hurrah!

Already I feel much better. To bring this all to a close, I once again turn to Adam Savage. He says that emotions do not dictate actions. Feeling a particular way about something does not need to lead to certain actions. Anger does not need to lead to an outburst. Depression does not need to lead to inaction. Happiness does not need to lead to effusive over-action. I can feel the emotion, but then I have the agency to choose what to do. I often forget that I have control over how I react. In most cases, that is all I do have control over anyway.

Today I am picking up the pieces from last night and pondering what I can make from them. When I am finished, who knows what I will have? Even I don’t know, not right now. But I do know that I can make something new and wonderful. That is what life should be all about. Taking what you have and creating the most amazing thing you can out of it.