Best of: 2020

Look, 2020 has been a helluva year. I get that. I won’t enumerate all that has gone wrong this year, because we’ve all lived it and it’s still too soon. And that’s why I want to discuss my best things. Positivity never goes out of style and can’t be beat for long. So with that in mind, here is a brief accounting (in no particular order) of my top objects and experiences from 2020.

Best Of

#1: iPad Air 2

Inherited from my dad, this 9.7” glass and aluminium wonder has helped me create and do many other awesome things. Shoutout to Apple for designing a smashing bit of hardware and software. The Air 2 isn’t the latest and greatest, but it does the job and it is still solid. I just love it for watching my favorite YouTube channel, Tested, in the evenings, or playing Scrabble, or editing photos. Eventually I will upgrade to the newest iPad Air (in green! and with an Apple Pencil) but for now, this thing really rocks.

#2: Canon SL3

Using the one and only pandemic stimulus check I received, I paid off some debt and bought a new DSLR: a Canon SL3. I have yet to really put it through its paces, but already it has proved its worth. I love the flip-out screen. It takes beautiful, high quality photos and is a joy to use. Plus it looks great; I got the white camera body and hoo boy is it snazzy. I want to purchase a few additional lenses for it when I can afford them, but for now the 18-55mm it came with is adequate for most of what I use it for anyway. Shoutout to Canon for a quality camera.

#3: The Mandalorian

Debuting at the end of 2019, the Mandalorian is a fantastic space western. Set in the Star Wars universe soon after the events of Return of the Jedi, the show follows a lone Mandalorian bounty hunter on his way through the galaxy. Season two debuted in October of this year and has just completed. I watched it every week as it was released on Disney plus with my wife. It is certainly the highlight of our week and something we look forward to. The production value is sky high, the acting is superb, and Baby Yoda, who we recently learned was named Grogu, couldn’t be cuter. I love everything about the show, and it has done what all good entertainment should do: given me an escape from the occasional dreariness of life on Earth and rocketed me off into a galaxy far far away. Shout out to Dave Filoni, Jon Favreau, and all the women and men creating that show.

#4: The Mandalorian

No, I’m not repeating myself. I’m talking about my Black Series 6″ action figure. Somewhere in 2009 or 2010 I started taking pictures of some 3.75” Star Wars action figures. I don’t even remember where or why I got the original two figures, two stormtroopers who I named Kyle and Kyyle, but I started taking pictures of them as a way to have fun. Through several years I took hundreds of photos. It was a ton of fun and a creative challenge. At least two years ago I started to collect Hasbro’s Star Wars Black Series action figures with an idea to restart taking stormtrooper pictures. While I have taken several photos, I haven’t done so on the scale I used to. But this year I acquired a Mandalorian action figure and it is beautiful, well articulated, and just plain fun. Shoutout to OT Customs for an awesome cloth cape for my Mando action figure, purchased via eBay. It really looks great and elevates my humble Mandalorian action figure.

#5: Tested

I’ve been a fan of Adam Savage since his days on Mythbusters, and towards the end of that show’s run, Savage joined a small startup called Tested. Tested has become centered around Adam Savage and his obsession for making things, usually prop replicas or costumes for cosplay, but really just about anything he dreams up that he possesses the skills and materials to make. Since Covid 19 forced everybody into lockdowns and social distancing, Savage took to self recording One Day Builds and other videos alone in his shop. Watching his videos on YouTube has been a high point of each and every week, and this fall I took the plunge to become a patron of the channel for a few bucks a month. This allows me access to behind the scenes and exclusive videos, which is well worth the price of admission. Shout out to Savage’s editing crew.

#6: Art

I battle depression each and every day. I started a project for 2020 that I had no idea would come to define a really bad, no good year. My wife crochets constantly, and one thing that she showed me is a mood blanket. Comprised of various colored squares that represent various moods, it allows the maker to create a blanket that reflects their state of mind over a period of time.

I don’t crochet, but I do paint. So I took a 16×20” black canvas and divided it up into one inch squares, each square for a day of the year, excluding Sunday’s. I then assigned different colors to different things: blue for depression; silver for productivity. Green for reading or writing; red for artistic endeavors and photography. Yellow for LEGO fun; purple for special days. The idea was to assign each day a color based on what I did that day and track how many days my depression kept me down, or how often I accomplished something, and what. At a glance I could see how 2020 was going and have a map of my mental health.

I started in January, having no idea what 2020 would bring. It has been fascinating to see the year unfold on this mood painting, and also to see how few days I actually was unable to master my depression. There are plenty of blue squares, to be sure, but way more of the various other colors. I am so glad to see that I have an upper hand on my depression and also that 2020, bad as it has been, has been unable to join with my depression and overwhelm me. My mental health remains a daily challenge, but it is not my master. I will have this painting as a perpetual reminder of that fact. Shoutout to my wife for a fantastic idea.

Christmas?

I am posting this 6 days before the big winter holiday, and while I may receive some awesome stuff under the tree, I didn’t want this to become a “what I got for Christmas this year” list. I think to really appreciate something you’ve got to live with it for awhile and use it and have it enter your life. Each of the things on my list have done that and earned a “best of” label.

And certainly this is not an exhaustive list. I could have added many things here, among them a little leather journal that my wife bought me and that I use for recording the odd poem. I don’t write nearly as much as I should, which is why it didn’t make the list, but it is a fantastic little journal.

Wrap-Up

I’d be interested to hear your best of 2020. Send me an email and let me know what brightened your year. As I said, there is plenty of 2020 to feel bad about, so let’s all focus on what there is to feel good about. I am sure there were at least one or two things that made 2020 not quite so terrible.

Thanks for reading. May 2021 be kinder to us all.

Mercy For My Dreams

There is a song that I love about a sailer and a rolling ocean. The sailor is alone at sea amid an angry storm. He is frightened, and doesn’t know where safety lies. Part of that song says

“…give me mercy for my dreams
‘Cause every confrontation seems
To tell me what it really means
To be this lonely sailor”

I think about that song, and that part in particular, a lot. “Give me mercy for my dreams” is a powerful statement. The sailor had dreams of sailing the ocean, but the ocean turned on him, tried to kill him. He needed mercy because his dreams grew large, turned terrifying. Mercy because now the sailor now only wants to survive. Dreams had vanished to be replaced by crashing waves.

The singer of the song identifies with the sailor, identifies with overwhelming dreams, identifies with the loneliness of a vast and powerful ocean that is trying to kill the hapless sailor.

I have dreams. Dreams beautiful and vast. And most of them have turned on me, become terrible and mortally terrifying. I have struggled much, and sorrowed much, over my dreams, dreams for which I need mercy. I have been and continue most days to be that sailor, adrift and alone.

And if the song stopped there, then it would confirm my fears that there is no hope and no escape and no rescue and no safe harbor. But that isn’t the end. The song continues to say

“I should have realized
I had no reasons to be frightened”

and

“And when the sky begins to clear
And the sun it melts away my fear
I’ll cry a silent weary tear…”

Storms don’t last. Skies clear. The sun shines above black clouds and through lightning strikes and thunder blasts. Eventually the sun breaks through that darkness and seas calm. Then the speaker realizes that they’ve endured, they’ve survived. Message? Dreams can survive.

Storms can last a long time, and I feel as if my boat is still rocking and roiling. But all storms must end. I am holding on to the sides of my boat, pulling my slicker closer, and wiping rain from my brow. After all, the refrain of the song has become my anthem:

“But I am ready for the storm, yes sir, ready
I am ready for the storm, yes sir, ready”

You see, storms can kill. The idea isn’t that the sailor is foolish to be frightened, but that once the storm ends and he is alive, then he can rejoice in life renewed. The idea is to be ready for the storms, because they will arise. Every time, waves will surge and hurricanes will rage. But if I am ready, then maybe I can weather the storm.

How?

“It’s an angry sea but there is no doubt
That the lighthouse will keep shining out”

What is the lighthouse?

“And when you take me by your side
You love me warm, you love me…”

“And you will find that in the end
It brings you me, the lonely sailor…”

Love. Love can calm oceans of doubt, despair, and overwhelming depression. Lonely sailors simply need a steady, surmounting lighthouse that will shine out despite all and through all, guiding the sailors back to safe harbor.

I was thinking of this song and dreams, because I had a brief encounter over social media today. I responded to a celebrity post asking “Have you committed to following your dreams?” and I said “yes” not really thinking about it. Then the celebrity contacted me, and I am sure many others who answered, asking “How do you manifest your dreams?” and I really had to ponder that. I don’t have a solid reply. I said “I go after what I want and don’t look back” but the truth is that while I often launch my boat and head certainly out to sea, when the seas grow large I often flounder. I want to look back; I want to head back.

But I have love. And love keeps me sailing, love keeps shining out, guiding me in the right direction. When I need safety, I can find it, because I have love. Love doesn’t always look the way I want it to, doesn’t always feel like I want it to feel, but it is there, often right in the boat with me, a steady hand on the tiller and a strong arm on the ropes, tacking the sails.

In the end, I am ready for the storm. So give me mercy for my dreams, because once again I am headed out to sea.

The Old Man and the Nautilus

My grandfather died.

He was 85, a man of the mountains; a man of the sea; a man of family.

I only knew him as an older man, partially crippled by several strokes. Strokes that he worked to overcome, despite odds to his detriment. He walked with a limp and a cane. He once upon a time drove a fiery orange ’76 Corvette with T-tops and a snarling engine, out-racing state troopers from the alpine roads of West Virginia and Ohio through Kentucky to the beach flats of Virginia and beyond.

I only knew he was a sailor. Later in life he would cruise the Ohio river, and yet he never forgot his maritime roots. A plank from a submarine, that once sailed beneath the briny blue, hung above his computer. Nautical themed kitsch littered his house. He served America’s NAVY proudly for many years aboard such mighty ships as the Nautilus, the Finback, and the Daniel Webster. “‘Cat and mouse'” he always said with a wink. “We played ‘cat and mouse’ with the Russians.” There were stories he could not tell, even when I knew him, stories of running silent and deep, of far flung harbors and a cold war now dead. Stories that now sleep with him and Davy Jones.

I only knew him behind large rimmed glasses, with a smile, and a NAVY veteran’s hat. He came from the coal hills of West Virginia, deep in the Appalachians. He was a die-hard fan of the Thundering Herd of Marshall University. A little part of him died in ’70 when a plane crashed and killed the team. I remember him cheering for Chad Pennington, who never made it in the NFL, and Randy Moss, who did, once upon a chilled homecoming. I remember him seated near the gridiron end-zone, watching the boys play football, decked in green and white.

I only knew him as a quiet, thoughtful man. He would sip his coffee with the morning paper and an open bird guide, watching his winged visitors and looking up the ones he hadn’t yet seen. After cutting grass, washing that magnificent ‘vette, and grilling burgers, we sat and watched the sun set behind West Virginia’s hills till dusk was deep and the deer came to forage. He taught me how to complete a circuit and light a bulb, an old salt with some solder and wire. He gave my family our first, and second, computers. A Commodore ’64 that launched my brother’s career, and an old 386 that launched my digital games. It was from his generosity that I first touched the tendrils of the world.

I only knew my grandfather as a grandfather. You may have known a different man than I, and I cannot speak to Charles Edward Martin. But as for me and GrandPaw Martin, I loved him and I will miss his presence upon this earth. I will never look out upon the ocean without thinking of him, that old man and the Nautilus that knew him when.

Solstice

Today’s poem is a focus on duality, inspired by the word solstice. Enjoy.

My soul is halfway in shadow,
and halfway in light.
Standing between night and day,
depending on how I turn,
I can see no end of either.

I behold an enduring brightness,
or I perceive a far darkness.
Either I squint against sunlight,
or I struggle to glimpse in black.

One is not good, the other bad – 
(avoid that trap of understanding) –
They are both as themselves pure.

The long and the short of it is simple:
allow both to orbit as I stand,

preserving the eternal solstice.

Diaspora

I feel more hopeful today, like a corner has been turned. The word of the day is diaspora and I’ve applied that idea personally. I hope you enjoy.

Time to gather my wayward-
thoughts? feelings? emotions?
However I call them, they must answer.
I need the diaspora to end.
I need myself, once scattered,
to be one and whole
for the rest of my days.

Too long I’ve been flung
wide and far on the surface
of many troubled waters.
Time to aim the flotilla home,
time to guide the armada to harbor.
Then I can scuttle the fleet,
and sail no more away from home.

The homeland lies empty, waiting.
I long to return with unity at last!

A Crazy Villanelle

Today’s poem is a villanelle, in which the first and third lines of the first stanza are repeated throughout. It is inspired by the word crazy and I think the poem’s form enhances that idea a little bit.

A note: despite me playing here, I do not think mental illness is a joke. It is real and serious. I suffer from depression and social anxiety myself, and I know others who do as well. Let’s all help one another and do our best to understand the invisible illnesses. Thank you.

Today is a great day for crazy!
Once in a while, I need a break.
My mind just seems to be a bit hazy.

This morning I picked a yellow daisy,
put it in the dough, baked a chocolate cake-
today is a great day for crazy!

Got a little dirty, danced like Swayze-
No music? Guess the band’s a flake?
My mind just seems to be a bit hazy.

Look, I lay around, but I’m not lazy-
Waiter! Need a drink and a rare steak!
Today is a great day for crazy!

I’ve had all the tests from “A” to “Z”,
maybe my doc is the big fat fake?
My mind just seems to be a bit hazy.

Anyway, can’t keep dropping rhymes like JayZ,
perhaps I’ll go jump in the lake.
Today is a great day for crazy,
my mind just seems to be a bit hazy.

Ethereal

Today’s word is ethereal. Inspired by two film quotes: “catch a cloud and pin it down” and “a thing isn’t beautiful because it lasts”. Enjoy.

Can’t catch a beam of light
Anymore than rainbows will be trapped.
Clouds always evade grasping;
Air once breathed in is out again.
It’s all so
ethereal.
That’s what makes it
beautiful.

A thing isn’t valuable set on shelves
and dusted dusted dusted.
Value is like laughter
Set loose on the world and enjoyed.
Smile, and laugh, and breathe-
Soak up the world!
Today won’t be here long,
In fact, it’s already half-past.

Petrichor

Today’s word is petrichor, and it is one of my favorite smells: that of a fresh earth after the rain. Enjoy.

Looking out my window, I see:
a tree shakes in the building breeze;
a bluebird sings in exuberance;
a squirrel jumps from branch to branch.

Above, the sky begins to darken:
rain is gathering in the clouds.
I think I should have cut the grass,
it might be too long, now too late.

When the water falls, I’ll watch
as it beats against the panes
washing all clean, leaving in its wake
a fresh petrichor, and world renewed.

This is my favorite experience of spring:
the growth, and frequent baptisms;
the green, and sudden blooms.
I can’t wait for the afternoon’s showers!

Steadfast

Today’s poem is based on the word steadfast. I could only think of one thing to write about. Enjoy!

It’s Frodo marching towards Doom;
It’s Sam lifting him up.
Mordor with poisonous fumes,
Ash, mist, smoke and terror.

They could have turned back,
They could have saved themselves.
The Mountain of Flame would have conquered all,
Ash, mist, smoke and terror.

And yet, Frodo wouldn’t stop,
And yet, Sam wouldn’t leave,
Though Gorgoroth stretched on
Ash, mist, smoke and terror.

At last, when Baggins won the day,
At last, when Gamgee showed his worth-
Small hearts, stalwart, steadfast and true-
Ash, mist, smoke and terror…

….could no longer hold sway
O’re the Cracks of Doom
And Orodruin crumbled to dust!
Love, loyalty, courage and peace!

Frodo the Valiant, Samwise the Brave,
Both stood unconquerable and free.
Middle-Earth was saved-
Love, loyalty, courage and peace!