League of Justice #0.1: “To Be”

The summer night clung to the city like a warm, wet blanket. Tall skyscrapers and narrow streets cut off most of the inner city from cooling bay breezes. In the summer, downtown Gotham City was not the most comfortable place to take a walk, especially when one was confined to a uncomfortable suit, and one’s sweaty neck was nearly choked by an oppressive tie. Bruce Wayne would have rather been anywhere but where he was at that moment. Some friends at school were attending a baseball game at Heights Field, home of Gotham’s baseball team the Gotham Rogues. Bruce had an affinity for the sport, an affinity his affluent parents did not share. Instead, determined to infuse a higher culture into their son, Thomas and Martha had attended a performance at the Gotham Opera House, compelling Bruce to join them.

Bruce didn’t harbor any negative feelings towards his parents. He appreciated that they were invested in his life. He just sometimes wished they would invest in his interests as well. At the moment, anyway, he was much more interested in reaching the street. He knew that Alfred Pennyworth, the family butler, would be there waiting for them. The family Bentley would be rumbling gently, and Alfred would have the air conditioning tuned just perfectly. The car would provide a welcome refuge from the sweltering summer sauna. Also, Bruce hoped, he could talk Alfred into a bit of ice cream once the family returned to Wayne Manor, the mansion in which his family had lived for generations on the rural outskirts of Gotham.

Bruce’s formal shoes crunched on bits of glass and grit that had begun to form a jagged covering to the crumbling asphalt that paved the alley. The Wayne family had exited the Opera House via a back door so as to avoid the paparazzi spotlight. Thomas Wayne, while a practicing medical doctor, was also a businessman and one of the wealthiest persons in the nation. There always seemed to be someone who was hoping for a salacious story and a scandalous photo. The alley was lit only by a light at the Opera House door, a pallid pool of yellow luminance, a light now behind the ambling family. Ahead, at the entrance to the alley, the lights from the city streets streamed into the alley, broken occasionally by passing pedestrians. The resulting illumination jumped down the alley like gnarled, grasping fingers. In between was a hazy grayness. Little starlight filtered from the sky above.

Bruce was staring down at his formal shoes, ignoring his parents who walked a few paces ahead and talked quietly to themselves. He was lost in his own thoughts, and paying little attention to his dingy surroundings. He very nearly walked into his father’s legs.

Thomas Wayne had stopped abruptly. Standing in front of the family, appearing as a specter out of nowhere, was a thin, gangly man. He wore a hooded sweatshirt which was several sizes too large for his frame, and a scraggly beard reached out from his face like so many greasy tentacles.

“Your money. Quick.” He rasped. It was then that Bruce saw the gun. It was a .38 calibre revolver, snub nosed, not all that large of a gun, but to Bruce, it was a cannon. From between his mother and father he stared into the gaping barrel. The gun shook, the mugger apparently weak from malnutrition and nervousness. Martha Wayne had frozen in fright, neither speaking nor moving. Thomas held up his hands slowly.

“Take it easy. I’m reaching for my wallet.” Thomas, keeping his left hand aloft, slowly reached his right hand into his formal jacket, and withdrew his billfold. Betraying none of the fear he must have felt, he reached out his arm, offering the leather wallet to the mugger.

The ragged man groped for the wallet, not taking his eyes off the elder Wayne. His fingers brushed it, knocking it to the alley floor. With a muttered curse, he tried to reach down for the wallet while keeping his eyes, and gun, trained on his victims. He couldn’t locate his prize by touch. Looking down for a split second, he tried to spot the wallet on the ground. Taking advantage of the momentary distraction, Thomas simultaneously shoved Martha backwards while he stepped to the side. Martha, caught off guard by her husband’s split second defensive motion, shrieked. She also stepped inadvertently on Bruce’s foot, not knowing he was there. She began to fall. The commotion caused the mugger to snap his head up. Not taking time to realize what was happening, he panicked.

Boom.

Boomboom.

His first shot was a bit wild, but it caught Thomas Wayne in the temple. The man went down without a sound, his body crashing into the brick wall of the alley, falling into a twisted heap on some garbage. The second shot went through Martha’s chest. The third her head. She continued her backwards fall, collapsing on top of Bruce.

Bruce’s world was suddenly one filled with noise and terror. While his father was talking and moving he had only been slightly alarmed by the situation. He never for a second doubted that his father would remain in control and keep him safe. His father had never once in Bruce’s memory been out of control. Everyone always did whatever his father wanted, usually as soon as he asked. The suddeness of the attack and the loud report of the gun startled him. He watched in horror as his father twisted and smacked against the wall, while at the same time his mother was crashing into him. He felt her body jerk under the impact of the bullets, and then he was crushed under her weight. Martha wasn’t a large woman, but Bruce was small for his age. He felt smothered. He could hardly breathe. The gunshots rung in his ears and he couldn’t hear. The world through his eyes smeared and seemed to jumble itself.

Bruce struggled to lift his mother and squirm out from under her. He pressed a hand into the ground and succeeded in scraping it against the glass and grit. With effort, he freed himself.

“Mom! Mom!” He started to shake her, but his hand slipped across her chest and he fell face first into something sticky. Pushing himself up, he stared into a gaping chest wound. He looked at his hands: they were covered in bright blood. He looked at his mom’s face. Her mouth was contorted, an expression of terror. The top of her skull was blown away and blood covered her face.

Bruce could make no sound. The terrible sight of his mother unnerved him. For a second the world stopped and all he could see was blood and death.

Then something heavy hit him from behind. Adrenaline spiked and Bruce flailed wildly.

“Get off! Get off me!” He struggled against a a firm grip. He was aware of a strong hand grasping each bicep.

Then he heard a whisper, the first sound he perceived clearly following the bang of the gun.

“It’s ok, Master Bruce. It’s ok.”

“Alfred…” The name was more sob than sound.

Bruce Wayne, orphan, crumpled into his butler’s arms. Burying his face into Alfred’s rough, woolen jacket, he broke down in tears. He wasn’t aware of the rush of police boots, nor the strobing of squad car lights.

Beneath Martha and Thomas Wayne, blood pooled, crimson glinting darkly in the dim light.

Disturbed by the commotion, a few bats who nested beneath an overhanging fire escape further back in the alley fluttered off into the Gotham night.

Death and Life

My name is Phil, and I am depressed. Search my blog tags for “depression” and you can read all about it.

Yesterday was an interesting day. I really don’t want to talk about it, but because I made one of the darkest parts of my everyday reality public, I feel like my friends and family deserve a little explanation.

The truth is I lie. A lot. You can be all shocked if you want to, but you lie, too. If you are reading this, I can assume a few things about you: you understand English, you are human, you lie. Our religious culture would have us believe that lying is an abomination before the Lord or a bad thing to do, but it is deeply human. Most lies are not harmful at all. Most lies are necessary. Colloquially, we refer to them as a social contract. I don’t tell nearly every single woman I meet that I admire the curvature of her breasts, or that I really want to have sex with her. I am not a sex fiend or a creep, I am a heterosexual male that is biologically programmed to find females physically attractive. But I lie by omission. And almost every single woman I meet knows this. Don’t ask, don’t tell: web of lies. And that is just one very, very small example.

A bigger example of the lies I tell: I am doing just fine. Yes, I am handling my every day reality. No, I do not want to kill myself.

Yesterday, I posted a suicide note to my Facebook page. I don’t remember what it said, and I have since deleted it. I then ignored my phone and my computer. Because I suffer from back pain, high blood pressure, and mental illness, I have a variety of medications available to me. I don’t know exactly how all of them work, and I have been assured that most of them work fairly well together. Being that I am an intelligent person, I know that becomes less true when you mix non-recommended dosages in non-recommended combinations. I dumped a few pills on the counter and wondered which cocktail would help end the pain the easiest. I’m no pharmacist, so I experimented. I don’t remember what I took, except that there were a fair amount of the pain killing variety included.

I was unaware that my Facebook posting had alarmed the people who saw it. I became aware when my Aunt Jane called me. I can ignore my wife, I can ignore my mother, I can even ignore my dog. I cannot ignore my Aunt Jane. She commands too much respect. All my life I have known two things about Aunt Jane: she is awesome. You don’t cross her. If she tells you to do something, you do it, no matter how much you don’t want to. If she asks you a question, you don’t lie. If she says something, she means it. So I had to answer the phone when I saw Aunt Jane was calling. She convinced me to live. Fortunately, I also did a bad job picking out pills because all I did was get a little fuzzy, dizzy, and sleepy. She may have convinced me to make it through the day, but it was my lousy attempt that made it possible.

Why did I try to end all things? I will try to explain, but it will be hard to understand. Most of you are normal. I am not. I have a mental illness. I do not want to die. Let’s be clear about that. I have many things I want to do, and experience, in life. I love my family and my friends. I love my puppy. I do not want to live. Every day is a constant struggle. Every minute is a battle. I am in constant physical and mental pain. Stress is destroying me. I barely sleep. I cannot relax. I hallucinate (mostly sounds, rarely I see things). I hear knocking at the door. I hear a phone buzzing, or ringing. I see bugs crawling on the floor. The problem is, there is no one at the door, my phone isn’t buzzing, and bugs don’t move that fast. Believe me, I have investigated rigorously. What I experience isn’t real. And that freaks me out.

The only peace I ever get is when I am in a movie theater watching a movie, or when I am building a LEGO set. Immersing myself into a film, in darkness, in front of a large screen, with loud surround sound makes everything else melt away. It doesn’t even have to be a particularly good film, but it makes everything else disappear. For those two hours or less, I am free. Similarly, when I bust open a LEGO set, spill the pieces in front of me, and start working through the instruction booklet, nothing else can intrude. Clicking one brightly colored plastic block onto another allows me to concentrate only on which brick I need next to complete the build. Seeing a building, or a robot, or whatever emerge from the chaos of scattered pieces fills me with ridiculous joy and peace. I cannot explain it better than that. But it is real. That is as close to relief from what I feel as I ever get and it does not last. I cannot build LEGOs constantly. I cannot go to the theater constantly.

If you know me, you might wonder if writing does that for me. Nope, not at all. You have to think to write. Writing for me is another compulsion. I can’t help it. Words beat at my brain demanding release until I get up and let them out. I have been woken up by words that demand to be written. In the middle of the night I will get up and go to my computer and type. Sometimes it takes five minutes. Sometimes it takes hours, but until they are all out, I cannot stop. That is not really much fun, relaxation, and it certainly isn’t peaceful. The only solace I get is that I am really, really good at writing. It is better to have a compulsion you are good at, I guess. But then, people with a cleaning OCD usually clean very well, too. So I’m not special.

Who wouldn’t want to escape my life? Does that sound like fun to any of you? To make matters worse, I am alone. The only other thing that usually distracts me is human interaction. But I have almost none of that any more. My wife left. She isn’t coming back, no matter how much I want her to. No one else is really eager to come over. Most people don’t enjoy hanging out with someone who lives on the ragged edge. I am angry, volatile, sarcastic, acidic, very awkward. I make people uncomfortable. I exude an aura of anger, or negativity. This isn’t intentional. Most of time I am unaware of it. I am just so uncomfortable I don’t know how to act, much less react, even around people I know well, even around my family. It is no wonder my wife did leave, I don’t blame her. I am actually surprised she managed to live with me as long as she did.

So, back to the suicide. I don’t say anything I’ve said to garner sympathy or attention or pity. I am merely trying to explain why yesterday morning, so many people became inescapably aware of the fact that I was actively seeking death. It was, as they say, a call for help. I wanted somebody to know that I was dying from pain.

What can you do to help? Very little. Do not call 911. Nothing makes me trust people less than people who call the cops on me but can’t show up themselves. If you are concerned for my safety, come to where I live. If you find me actually dying, then call 911, ride in the ambulance, and be there when I wake up. Do not tell me you struggle with depression. Unless what I have described is 85% of your daily reality, you don’t. Even if it is your reality, I find no comfort in knowing that other people are as miserable as me. That actually makes me feel worse. Do not tell me what you have endured. I know that my life, objectively speaking, is fantastic. It simply does not matter. Depression does not care about socioeconomic divisions. I gather from the news that a member of the Glee cast died of a heroin overdose. His life, objectively speaking, was better than mine. And yet the guy was alone with heroine and alcohol. In any case, reminding me that some people live worse than I do does not help. It makes me feel guilty, petty, and stupid, none of which relieve the depression. Do NOT tell me how upset I made everyone or how badly I scared X family member. First, I know. Second, I cannot care. It isn’t that I don’t care, I can’t. If I am at the point of trying to end my life, worrying about how my mother will feel is probably not on my mind. That would be on the mind of a rational person. Suicidal people are not, strictly speaking, rational. The decision of death is one made under extreme duress and not as the result of a logical thought progression (usually). Also: it doesn’t help me feel good enough about my life to stop trying to end it.

What can you do to help? Be here. Physically be here. Come to my house and hang out with me no matter how angry, bitter, dark, or un-fun I am. Deep down, I know you care enough about me to be with me, to make the effort to come to me and to stay there. Failing that, simply tell me you care about me. Period. Nothing more, nothing less, nothing else. Then I know that even if you won’t or can’t be with me, chances are you would if you could. That’s it.

And, while I appreciate the offer, no, I do NOT want to talk about it. I have a therapist. She is the only person on the planet I will tell anything and everything. She is the only woman on the planet that can move right past that and still talk to me about what really matters. The only social contract we have is that she won’t judge me and I can tell her anything. Unless you are her, no, I probably will not willingly talk to you. But I DO appreciate the offer. Just don’t worry or be offended when I don’t.

So that, right there, is the brutal honest truth about my everyday and specifically yesterday. Today, I’m ok. I am handling things. (Lying? probably a bit). The truth: I haven’t ODed today. I haven’t thought about driving my car into oncoming traffic. Physically, I am safe.

I’m depressed. Today isn’t as bad as yesterday. Today is a win.

a Villain-elle, Part 2

a Villain-elle, Part 2 (the Joker)

“He will shatter kings in the day of his wrath.” – Psalm 110:5

Never start with the head, the victim gets all fuzzy;
(The better criminal class kills the bus driver)
Madness, as you know, is like gravity.

Youʼre just a freak, complete, like me.
(I’m a dog chasing cars; a silly face carver)
Never start with the head, the victim gets all fuzzy.

Want to start taking things a little more seriously?
(Laughing, he takes the knife to her.)
Madness, as you know, is like gravity.

Do I look like a guy with a plan, really?
(I’m just ahead of the curve, not a monster)
Never start with the head, the victim gets all fuzzy

You’ll need an ace in the hole to face my Harvey.
(He blew him half to hell, a psychopathic murder.)
Madness, as you know, is like gravity.

Why so serious? Introduce a little anarchy.
(Whatever doesn’t kill you simply makes you stranger)
Never start with the head, the victim gets all fuzzy
Madness, as you know, is like gravity.

Read a villain-elle, Part 3 (Bane), here.

League of Justice #0.0: “Or Not to Be”

[Revised 29 July 2013]

Earth is not unique. Humanity is not alone in the universe. Logically, it is absurd that evolution could only produce one intelligent species in a plethora of galaxies and a myriad of planets. Practically, space is so vast that most intelligent life is too far away from Earth to make contact possible. Realistically, near-Earth intelligent life does not care to intrude into the matters of a backward, primitive population. Humanity will either grow up and stop killing itself long enough to look around itself and thus become worth the universe’s attention, or humanity will annihilate themselves and the universe will wait for the next intelligent species to arise.

On the outer edge of the near-to-Earth inhabited region of the Milky Way galaxy, a small Earth-like world orbits a red dwarf star. The star is called Rao by the inhabitants of Krypton, the planet which orbits the star.

Compared to the more primitive Earthlings, Kryptonians are gods. They live for ages. Their bodies are immune to most biological and environmental pathogens. Their living tissue and bones are nearly indestructible. They are highly intelligent. Ancient Kryptonian history, from before their star turned red, speaks of other innate abilities that Kryptonians once possessed: the power of flight. Hypersensitive sensory abilities. Heat vision. Freeze breath. Most Kryptonian scientists dismiss such claims as ancient evolutionary myth or as subspecies that went extinct long ago, merely tales of mutant variations, freaks of nature.

It is only a matter of time before the entire discussion will reside in the academic halls of some other galactic species. The Kryptonians are fighting a war that they are quickly losing. While the Kryptonians are known throughout the galaxy for their scientific advances, they are also known for their arrogance. Superior knowledge and understanding does not always breed superior magnanimity. While preserving their home planet, agents of Krypton spread throughout their corner of the galaxy as ravaging locusts. Every planet they encountered they exploited completely. Every natural resource, every unique element, every single thing of value they took. In the face of such ecological disaster, the leaders of Krypton were unapologetic. “The universe exists to be used” was their refrain. To their credit, Krypton’s mining crews left inhabited worlds alone, but any uninhabited moon or planet in their path was doomed. Other planetary societies were forced to mine their own planets to the point of disaster because there were no extra-planetary resources for them to cultivate.

There exists in the universe a military force whose duty is that of the preservation of peace. Their origins are told in other tales, but a corps of their ranks, the Black Corps, is tasked with death. When diplomacy and goodwill fails, when military intervention is necessary, the Black Corps advances. The Black Corps pursues total victory. Against them, there is no survival.

Led by the fearless and ruthless General Zod, the Kryptonian army has lasted longer than any other force the Black Corps has engaged. But it cannot last. Zod has ordered the full scale retreat of every Kryptonian warship. Amassed in orbit of Krypton, they make their final stand.

General Zod, assailed from without, is attacked from within. Leading the civilian population of Krypton is an elder statesman, and one of the top Kryptonian scientists: a man called Jor-El. From the beginning, Jor-El opposed war. When the diplomatic Green Corps first approached Krypton and demanded they cease exploitation, Jor-El favored acquiescence. Zod, a warrior from birth, argued for unlimited Kryptonian sovereignty. Zod persuaded Krypton’s ruling council to his way of thinking. Now that the war was nearly at an end, and Krypton herself on the brink of destruction, Jor-El cried louder for an armistice. “Surely we can yet sue for peace and save our civilization!” he cried. Zod was too proud to bow. Zod was ready for his last stand.

Jor-El is a man of peace. But even if he weren’t, he would still be fighting harder than anyone to ensure the continued existence of his planet for one simple reason: Jor-El is also a father. His unborn son will be born to a dead world. The pregnancy was a fluke, a one-in-a-million chance. Bringing a baby into a galactic conflict intentionally would have been unwise and cruel. But, life is not restrained by the eventualities of an impersonal universe. Life explodes wherever it can. At the moment when the Black Corps destroys Krypton, new bacterium will be created. Skin cells will regenerate. A flower will bloom. A seed will germinate. An insect will be hatched. Therefore, the unlikely fertilization of Kryptonian egg and sperm is no wondrous event. When Krypton explodes it will take with it a newly born baby boy.

“Fuck that.” Jor-El murmured to himself.

Jor-El strode with purpose down the deserted streets of Argo City, one of Krypton’s largest centres of population. Martial law was in effect. Every able bodied person was serving in the war. The young, the old, the infirm: they were sequestered in-doors. Jor-El was careful to remain undetected. As a member of the ruling council, Jor-El technically wasn’t under the military’s authority, but he could still be stopped and questioned. In these calamitous days, treason was a popular criminal charge, and Zod wouldn’t hesitate to remove Jor-El’s dissenting voice from the council.

Jor-El clasped his hands behind his back, beneath his cloak. The style of dress demanded a long cloak, or cape. It lent an air of regality, of formality. Jor-El’s cape was a deep crimson, contrasting with his long blue robes. On the chest of his robe, a stylized “S” character was embroidered. The crest of the House of El, it symbolized hope. In this case, hope for Jor-El’s unborn son.

Jor-El hoped he would not be the last son of Krypton.

New Reality

My name is Phil, and I live with depression.

When I began my recovery from the black world of depression I did not know that recovery was even possible. I doubted that my daily experience could ever change. In a way, I didn’t want it to. I did not want to get better. My life, and my everyday occurrences had been organized around my depression. I knew what to expect, how to react, and was comfortable in my environment. None of this means I was happy, but when you know misery, or emptiness, it is amazing how familiar and ordinary that can be.

I am currently re-watching one of my favorite television shows, House MD. Dr. Gregory House has a pain problem, and as an extension of that, a pain medication problem: he is addicted to Vicodin. Throughout all of the 8 seasons, but primarily in the first three, House’s narcotic addiction is a constant source of trouble, discussion, and explanation. Is he an addict? Should he stop taking Vicodin? How does it affect him? Does he need it? The show makes a pretty strong case for the physical pain House endures, but never really indicates exactly how much of House is drugs, or just personality. Either way, House refuses to change anything. He admits he takes too much Vicodin regularly, but the bottom is line is that ever since his infarction, he has defined his life by his pain and his relief of that pain. He recognizes that it isn’t a perfect situation, and abusing the narcotics or not, he isn’t happy. Rehab and physical therapy is a door to a healthier life, but House cannot (or will not) do the work to change. He is comfortable in his misery. I was Dr. House: comfortable in my misery.

But, as I have written about, I sought and found change. It took me over a year and a half of daily work and weekly meetings with my therapist, but by all accounts I have emerged from my depression. Medication and a fundamental shift in how I think about the world has brought me into the light. Then, about two months ago, my life altered significantly, nearly destroying all the progress I have made. I’ve been waiting for my newfound clarity to fog up, for my positive equilibrium to shift negatively. For all the lights to go out. But they haven’t. My recovery is solid. I have found a new reality, and fortunately reality rarely changes. Circumstances change, people come and go, growth and learning take place, but reality is constant. Mostly. I was born and lived under a certain reality. Somewhere around middle school my reality changed into depression. Last year, my reality changed again, out of depression, and into this newness of life I have been enjoying.

And all of that was threatened.

My wife left me. Legally, we are still married, but when she packs all her things, moves nearly 4500 miles east and eight hours into the future, the marriage is pretty much over. I could have gone with her, but following a spouse who is leaving the marriage seemed like the wrong thing to do. Our life, everything we had built over three and half years of marriage was here. Our life was not across an ocean and in a different world. The leaving happened abruptly. I was not ready: physically emotionally mentally psychologically. I had barely emerged from my darkness, and my wife grabbed her opportunity to seize her dreams and leave me behind. I scrambled madly, if only to ensure my own survival. Every plan, every expectation I had for my recovery had to be scrapped, or at best, reworked. Suddenly, I had to find a job. That I was not really ready for a job was beside the point: if I wanted housing and food, I needed employment. I needed companionship most of all, but fortunately I had already adopted a dog. In lieu of a wife, my puppy was all I could count on. At the last minute, I got a job. In between begging my wife to stay, trying to rationalize the sudden end of a marriage, and keeping up appearances for family and friends, I nearly imploded. Once or twice I got close.

Hannah flew away on May the 11th, 2013. We were married on January the 3rd, 2010. My marriage lasted 1,225 days. The fiction we tell friends and family is that this is merely a separation, a time to reevaluate who we are and what we want. The truth is we are never going to be anything other than friends.

Today I vacuumed the apartment, washed dishes, dusted, and tidied up the place. I cleaned the bathroom, changed towels on the racks and sheets on the bed. I swept floors. I had done none of these things since Hannah left. I know, gross to normal people, normal to depressed people. All this time, a little over a month, two things were constant in my head. One, I was not entirely certain I was not going to implode. I felt weak, devastated, lost, unsure of who I was, or what I should do with myself. I’ve been unusually depressed, angry, and numb. Two, I wasn’t convinced that it really was over. I thought Hannah would see the error of her ways and come back. I thought she needed this marriage, or me, or something bad enough to realize her mistake and return to start healing. She didn’t. If anything, she seems to be blossoming and growing in ways she and I never thought she could. She is better off where she is. Without me. And that was something I did not want to admit. Could not realize. Was too painful to face. I did not think I would survive, and everything around me was put on hold until I knew which way the world would fall. Why bother washing dishes if you are going to collapse into a dark depression? Losing a wife and facing a cold, scary world in the space of about a week and a half was about the hardest trial I could have endured (short of a close friend or family member dying at the same time). The surprise is that nothing fell. I covered my head and dove for cover, but the bomb was a dud.

I’ve been sick for several weeks now. General cold symptoms mixed with body aches and pains and psychological turmoil to create a vicious sinus infection and exhaustion. Middle of last week I stopped in my tracks, unable to go on. I could not work, I could not eat, I could barely sleep, and only then with a combination of drugs. But, this time I knew what to do: I got help. This time, mostly medical. A doctor checked me out, prescribed rest and antibiotics. I got both. This morning I woke feeling better than I have in a long time, physically and emotionally, and I knew what I had to do: embrace my new reality.

No wife was going to come back to nurse me to health or help with life. All I had was myself. And though I could scarcely believe it, I was strong enough to meet that challenge. I cleaned up my apartment. I washed my dirty dishes. I vacuumed my dirty floors. I dusted and swept. I made my environment livable again. Neither my depression nor my mangled personal life could hold me back.

My new reality, my restructured life is not fantasy, a cruel joke, or a drug induced dream. It is real. I can face what life can bring, and I can endure. I can rise above. Just me and my dog, my cute little Cordy.

I can live.

Batman and Psychology (2012) by Dr. Travis Langley

“Madness, as you know, is like gravity. All it takes is a little push.” – the Joker, The Dark Knight 

Batman and Psychology
Batman and Psychology

Batman is one year removed from his 75th anniversary (as of 2013). First glimpsed in the shadows of 1939, Bruce Wayne’s alter ego is arguably the second most well know “super” hero, second only to his DC Comics colleague Superman. He is ubiquitous. Batman is as popular as Star Wars, as multi-generational as rock and roll, and as intricate as quantum physics. First appearing in comic books, Batman has stalked through newspaper strips, novels, television shows, movies, video games, and he even guest starred on one of Superman’s radio shows. What accounts for this incredible longevity and popularity? Probably the fact that Batman is no super hero. He is as human as any of us, he is unaltered by any fantastical phenomenon or alien technology. Unlike his Marvel counterpart, Iron Man, Batman does not rely on any implanted technology. Where Tony Stark achieves his crime fighting skills through a combination of dash and design, Bruce Wayne endures by way of discipline and hard work. Both men are multi-billionaires, both are geniuses, both wear elaborate suits, but where Tony fails to match Batman is in Batman’s sheer determination. Ultimately, Iron Man is unreachable. It would be impossible to recreate Tony Stark’s suit of armor, based as it is on fictional science technologies. Batman, however, remains within the grasp of any one of us. Given enough money, and the requisite stamina, anybody could become Batman. It wouldn’t be easy, but it could be done. And, where Tony Stark suffers from a medical condition that makes most of his tech necessary, regardless of its applications, Bruce Wayne suffers from grief and chooses freely to be Batman.

Given nearly 75 years of history and development, Batman, while fictional, is as fascinating as any living, breathing human being. Batman is an avatar of the human condition. Despite the seemingly outlandish nature of his universe, ultimately the character is as grounded in reality as anyone. Struggling with pain, loss, and anger and fighting madness and the darker impulses Batman catwalks across the night, riddling out the bad jokes of life and death. Obstacles that are the bane of happiness are foes to be crushed by a hero. Investigating the bat-detective, then, yields clues to our own psyches.

Fortunately, an actual student of the human condition has delved into the bat cave and emerged with a few answers and observations. Dr. Travis Langley, tenured professor of psychology at Henderson State University, is a bit of a nerd. Having been fascinated by the Batman his whole life, he recently published the only psychological exploration of the character that exists today: Batman and Psychology: A Dark and Stormy Knight. Fittingly, Langley is known as a superherologist*, one who studies super heroes.

Batman and Psychology is divided into several sections. The person, the suit, the symbolism, the environment, and the associations of the Batman are all examined in detail, and set against the criminals that oppose him and the world the defines him, and all pass under the microscope of real life, modern psychology. Langley begins by discussing the historical Batman, and narrowing down all the different iterations and manifestations of the character, who, after all, comes from a comic book world in which death and life are fluid concepts, as is the nature of the multiverse itself. The great benefit of studying a character that has been around so long is that the student can take both a longitudinal and a cross-sectional approach. Usually when Langley refers to “The Batman” he means the 75 year old character, the most concrete and unchanging person that is Batman. After all, whether he is back from the dead, back from an alternate earth, or freshly rebooted, some things about Batman never change. But, Langley also often zooms right into a very particular instance, a very exact moment in Bat-time to examine a revelation or to make an observation, whether it is Adam West’s lampooned Batman, Christian Bale’s ultra-realistic Batman, or some comic book version. The juxtaposition of the two research techniques allows Langley, and the reader of his book, to compare and contrast yielding a multi-faceted view of an incredibly complex individual.

After establishing a few parameters and definitions, Langley subsequently evaluates the trauma (the death of Bruce Wayne’s parents, a constant of the Bat-narrative) and the persona (arguably, the defining characteristic: the Bat of the Man). This comprises most of Langley’s focus, and rightfully so, it is the heart of the character. Bruce Wayne endured one of the most horrific tragedies that a person can experience, and made a rather extreme choice that most people do not make. Why is the premier question, and answering it yields the most tantalizing information.

Following from that, Dr. Langley briefly discusses the nature of evil, that is, crime and punishment in Gotham City. Here most of the psychology is brought to bear as various psychological disorders, conditions, and issues are defined and debated as they relate both to Batman and his rogues gallery. This is the technical part of the book, full of the multi-syllabic terms one expects from a doctor of psychology.

Batman is not an island, and he must be viewed in his familial context: his surrogate sons (Robin and other sidekicks), his female associations (most notably: Catwoman), and his surrogate fathers (Alfred, among others). Human beings are social creatures and our company says as much about us as does our actions or appearance. No analysis of a person would be complete without such consideration, and that analysis Langley provides.

Dr. Langley does offer a Bat-diagnosis of sorts at the end of his book, concluding that Batman is most definitely not deranged, even if he is a little “crazy”. I mean, even Bruce Wayne would agree that “a man who dresses up like a bat clearly has issues” however, those issues are not really any different that those which affect ordinary people. Bruce’s issues are perhaps more magnified than most, but what do you expect from a guy who lives in a comic book?

I found Batman and Psychology very rewarding, in both scope and psychology. While I am not any sort of acolyte into the profession, I am a student of humanity and quite interested in the psychological field. I must say, however, that while the technical parts of the book aren’t incomprehensible, they could be confusing. [Author’s note: I don’t know if that constitutes a flaw with the book, or with the educational system of America. I have studied more psychology than the average Jane, so I don’t really know how someone with limited familiarity with psychological concepts would grasp the psychology presented.] I was also satiated with the banquet that Langley cooked up, in terms of the villains that he referenced and the many, many aspects of the Bat-universe that he referenced. Despite that, I occasionally felt like I was reading two separate books: one about Batman, and one about his antagonists. No book about Batman would be complete without at least talking about his number one adversary, the Joker, but I felt that a companion book that was focused on the rogues would have been better suited to an analyzation of their psychology and humanity. What was provided was simultaneously enough to make the point and not enough to do justice to the various characters. Granted, the Joker could be a series of books, but I felt he deserved a little more than he got, even in a book primarily about Batman. [Author’s note: I use the Joker here only as an example: he may be primary, but Batman’s other villains are just as convoluted.]

Batman and Psychology: A Dark and Stormy Knight is a fantastic read, and a great dissertation on a popular superhero, and I fervently hope that Dr. Travis Langley doesn’t stop here. There is much more to be said about the world of Gotham, and the worlds of Metropolis and the greater comic book multiverse. Hopefully a “Superman and Psychology” is coming soon, because if there is another guy with serious daddy/abandonment issues, it’s Clark Kent.

*You can follow Dr. Langley on twitter as the @Superherologist. [Author’s Note: Dr. Langley is my boss. This review was neither asked nor paid for by Dr. Langley. My reviews and opinions are entirely my own, and cannot be influenced by anyone.]

 

Stress: the Little Mind Killer

I haven’t written about my depression for a while, mostly because for a while I was feeling pretty good and felt like I was finally getting a hold on this slippery thing called life. I won’t say I was wrong about that. I now have a job, a dog, and I don’t spend my days staring at walls like I used to.

But life has a way of sending us down roads we never knew existed. Things transpire in life and relationships that we never could have predicted, setting us up for decisions we never thought we would have to make. I’m being vague here because there are some things that are very real and large in my life that I am not quite ready to address publicly. Hell, I don’t even want to address them in my own mind.

I recently made a trip to see my doctor. I’ve been forgetting things lately, but it is less like memory loss and more like aphasia, where you search for a word but can’t find it. I can’t remember the names of everyday objects, and am forced to describe what it is I am trying to say. “You know, that thing you use for eating…it is metal, and has pointy things on the end, you stab with it…” “A fork?” “Yes, that’s it! Can you grab me a fork please?” No, that isn’t an example. That happened. I also forget things that I know I know, facts and details I would never forget. I don’t have a brain tumor or dementia and I’m not on medication that could do this.

Stress is making me lose my mind.

Stress is a constant companion to depression. When I was in my darkest places, stress was pulling the trigger on the gun labeled depression. I didn’t stare at walls and fail to engage with the world through fear or doubt or lack of imagination. It was the stress that each situation presented that kept me powerless and weak. A trip to the grocery store to purchase food became all about how I would walk, how I would pass people in the aisles, what I would say to the cashier. The stress of how to handle each situation mounted until the easiest way to remain calm was to remain at home. I’ve made a career out of avoiding stress.

Now that I have a handle on my past, and have dealt with some of the overwhelming sources of stress in my life, I can now go to the grocery store with little problem (most days). But what they don’t tell you is that knocking down the giants that surround you only allows you to face the demons you couldn’t see.

So, back to the vague things and the stress that is making me lose my mind. After talking with me for a bit, and a consultation, my doctor told me that I am stressed. Stress (barring the appearance of physical symptoms) is what is making me unable to think, to remember, or to recall that a fork is a fork.

Yesterday, I had a meltdown. My stress caused me to regress backwards into black depression, with the accompanying rage and malice. The one clear, rational thought I had was to put my new puppy in her crate so that, if the worst should happen, she wouldn’t be in danger. I would never, in a million years, willingly or consciously hurt an innocent animal, but depression has a way of making a million years a nanosecond under the right conditions. (No, I didn’t hurt her, but she was very sad at being crated for most of the morning while I inexplicably, to her, was only a few feet away, seemingly asleep.) I called into my therapist and left a message for her to contact me. I was barely able to focus the words over the phone, but I knew I needed something extra to get me through the morning. By noon she called back and we talked through what was eating at my brain. “Phil,” she said, “this is normal. I would have worried if you didn’t have some sort of freakout episode.” She proceeded to calmly guide me into a few healthy behaviors and coping strategies. We will have a real meeting soon. After that, I felt a bit better, and I played with my dog for almost an hour (understandably, she had quite a bit of pent up energy).

I still have no idea what to do about what is facing me, what is clawing at my mind. I’ve moved beyond shopping for cookies and milk to larger life issues that were unavailable for processing when I was trapped in dark depression. Now, I have no choice. They stand before me and I have no recourse but to face them, somehow. I cannot go back. Retreat ends in darkness and death, non-metaphorically speaking. But the stress of how to handle what I must handle is luring me back into depression. Things I once enjoyed, I stare at listlessly. I barely eat. I take my dog for short walks. I can’t sleep (which is why, as I type this, it is nearly 0400).

For most people, stress is what makes a hard day hard, a challenging week challenging, or a situation unpleasant. For those of us among the depressed, stress is the little thing obliterating our mind.

Right now, I don’t know what to do except to return to bed and try to sleep. Short term, I need to work as hard as I can for solutions and a way to move beyond stress, because no one can live under this much stress and tell the tale for very long.

That I am able to articulate all this is a measure of how far I’ve come. I hope through this you understand a little bit what dealing with depression is all about. It isn’t the momentary blues most people talk about: it is a constant life battle.

Tears of a Lost Sheep

“What man of you, having an hundred sheep, if he lose one of them, doth not leave the ninety and nine in the wilderness, and go after that which is lost, until he find it?” Luke 15, the Bible

“I’m the sheep that got lost, Madre.” – Creasy, Man on Fire

“Then in my heart it becomes like a burning fire, shut up in my bones; I am weary of holding it in, and I cannot endure it.” Jeremiah 20:9, the Bible

Sometimes I hate being me. Specifically, I’m a writer. This is not something I chose, that I ever wanted to be, that I ever looked for in my life. I wanted to play baseball. But, I’d have been a writer anyway. I can’t help it. I went to school, I’ve developed and honed my skill at writing. But no matter what I cannot stop. Things burn in my brain, and wind their way round and round my cranium, shouting at me. I can’t quiet them, I can’t shut them up, and I can’t ignore them for long. They must be let out.

So I write.

I say this to apologize for what I am about to say. It isn’t completely fair or nice, but I can no longer hold it in. I do not claim to be right, or without blame, but this is what I cannot keep silent about.

Ever since a madman walked into a school and murdered children, I haven’t been quite right. I tried to make sense of a senseless act. What kind of person, disturbed or otherwise, misconstrues a threat out of something completely harmless? Even animals tend not to attack when they are not threatened, or in need. But madness happens.

And then, as always happens, the murdering psycho is endlessly discussed, and analyzed, and researched. And then, before that is finished, the debate turns, as it should, to us, the survivors, we who stood by, even if we were given no choice, and watched it happen. What could we have done? we ask ourselves. How could we have stopped this? we wonder. Why could we not save our children? These questions burn most intensely in the minds of those who lost their sons, their daughters, their sisters, their brothers, their friends. Even people like me, who live hundreds of miles away and will never meet anyone associated with this tragedy can’t help but ask the questions. After all, my niece attends school. My sister visits movie theaters. My mother walks down the street.

Finally, the discussion gets muted into something political. The rage and the sadness turns societal. We blame, we turn on each other, we shout, and everyone concocts their own foolproof plan and clamors for it to be heard. This is only natural. We want to do something. Every single moment of every single day, people die. Right now, as I type, people are dying. Why don’t I feel outrage, sadness, why don’t I call for something to be done?

First, I accept it as a natural part of life. The human condition: 100% fatal in every single verifiable case. Second, it isn’t being thrust into my face. Most days, I don’t see death. I don’t feel it. I live in the false comfort that it has slunk off into the night and won’t come back. Until it does.

Then I want to beat it back into the night.

All of this is completely natural.

In a way, we are all still dealing with our grief. Our personal grief, our social grief, our national grief, our human grief. Therefore, I don’t condemn. I don’t blame, and I don’t seek to pass judgment. A person in pain, a person in mourning is not accountable for the outpouring of grief. They can’t be. It isn’t like they can stop it. Emotion is real, emotion is overwhelming, and emotion is valid.

What comes after the emotion, the grief, and the time to mourn the dead is the part I want to address. No, the part that I can’t help but address. I wish I could stop typing, but it isn’t that easy. Be angry at me if you must.

I lost my faith. I once was a Christian, walking down the straight and narrow path towards heaven, following in the footsteps of Christ. That is no longer my reality. I don’t necessarily live or act any different than I did, but I am less certain about truths I once held dear. And that is my cross to bear, my own particular road to hell if I am wrong and my childhood was right and if it is about right and wrong and not about something else. So don’t make the mistake of believing that I don’t know what I am saying or that I didn’t once believe as you might right now.

One thing that I began to see, and read, and hear much of in the wake of our dear children’s death was shouting about gun control. I’ve heard it my whole life. Ever since Columbine. That doesn’t surprise or bother me. If someone gets bitten by a dog, it is the dog that suffers, regardless of any circumstance, though that is hardly a fair metaphor. But I don’t hold guns responsible for acts of violence done by them. A gun is just an object in space, without will or desire. A gun never can or will act on its own.

Humans act. All to often: using guns.

And in this debate, I hear people talking about banning guns. About keeping guns. About hammers, cars, baseball bats, and Amendments to the Constitution of the United States of America.

I hear Christians shouting that we should be allowed to “keep and bear arms”. That I can no longer abide. It burns me up and sets my heart on fire. I weep, and I wail, and there is no one to listen.

WHY? Did not Jesus himself, in the face of angry mob which had gathered to murder him, say to the man defending him with a sword “whosoever lives by the sword shall die by the sword?” I have seen, my whole life, a country and a people that lives and dies by the sword. It is, without sarcasm or ridicule, the American Way. A cursory study of the history of America proves that we won our independence with guns, we shred our nation apart with guns, we lost millions in European wars by guns, we stopped Hitler with guns, we fought a pointless and for too long conflict in Vietnam because we could not put our guns aside, and not so very long ago a man with a gun ended the lives of innocent children. We are living and dying by the sword.

To anyone who names themself Christian, and yet calls for continued existence and ownership of guns: how can you? Are we not to live by faith, by love, peaceably with all men? Do you imagine that the only reason Christ refused to fight back in the garden was because he was destined to die? Do you think that if God Himself came to live among us for no particular reason at all, he would have fought for his life?

The cowardly and despicable National Rifle Association has said that “the only thing that stops a bad man with a gun is a good man with a gun”. What utter folly. What sheer, willful stupidity. Have we forgotten Tiananmen Square? Have we forgotten that a man, a man whose name we do not even know, stopped a battalion of tanks with nothing but his body. Actually, his hands were full. But not of guns. Of shopping bags. A gun is far from the only thing that will stop a bad man. In fact, in most cases I know of, guns actually prove fairly ineffective at stopping bad things. Guns are nowhere near the best way to stop a bad man.

Love. Understanding. Respect. A determination to stop at nothing to avoid violence. These are the things that will stop bad men. I am not some hippy, nor a person who is naive. I know that not every madman can be reasoned with, can be hugged into inaction, or can be understood. But I do know that trying is the first, best thing.

By clamoring for your right to own a gun, to bear a gun, you are demonstrating a general refusal to believe an alternative exists. “My gun will protect me” is the most foolish lie I’ve ever heard someone believe. “My gun will make us safe” is an insidious lie I am sick of hearing. Our insistence on arming ourselves is what is killing us. Our guns are what are killing us. Guns were designed and ever intended to do one thing and one thing only: kill. Guns were not designed to kill animals. We were killing animals just fine. What we couldn’t do was penetrate armor. Animals don’t wear armor. People do. Wearing armor, generally, gives a person a better chance at surviving combat. A gun makes most armor ineffective. Guns were devised to kill people. That is their only reason for being created and existing.

Christian, how can you say that a gun is something you must be allowed to own, and bear? It may be American, but it is not Christian.

Jesus died to prove that death is the best final resort in the face of unreasonable violence. Love your enemy so completely that you let them kill you if they must.

I’m sorry. I no longer have the proper credentials to say this to many who call themselves Christians and expect to be heard. For the rest us who don’t identify with an ancient Jew, let me say that love is still the best option. You don’t have to believe the Bible to know that, because I know that, and there is much about the Bible I find hard to believe. I am not perfect, I do not have many facts, nor do I have a loud, persuasive voice.

But I do have a voice. And as an American, there is a First Amendment which gives me the right to use my voice. I chose to use my voice in place of a gun. I will always believe that a voice, a word, is the most powerful force in the universe. Does not even the Bible teach us the power of the Word of God? Words can be used to stop a madman from ever getting to the point of violence. Words can be used to stop armies from deploying for battle. Words can stop bad things from happening. And even if that is for one more moment, one more hour, one more day, is that not worth the salvation of blood? How cowardly must you be to weary of talking, of hearing another talk, so that you seek the most effective means of silencing their voice forever? Is not murder the ultimate violation of America’s First Amendment.

Also, seeing as how I am allowed to speak up, and I can’t keep quiet, though I wish desperately I could and avoid the inevitable arguments or counterpoints that may follow, I simply refuse to remain silent. To that end, you are certainly welcome to disagree. I am not hypocritical. You are allowed to speak. I am allowed to think you are wrong. Use your words. As God once said, “come now, let us reason together”.

Let us reason that an object which exists only to kill, unlike a baseball bat, is a bad thing, and the worst option for conflict resolution.

Right now, I feel pain every single time a person who claims to follow the Prince of Peace calls oh so loudly for a weapon of destruction to be theirs. This is part of why I lost my way. I couldn’t reconcile a lifestyle with what I knew to be true, or what an ancient book seemed to say in other parts of it that aren’t so nice. For all I know, Jesus was a rebel against God Himself, a God who calls ancient Israel’s King David, a mass butcherer, a man after his own heart. I didn’t know, I still don’t know, and so I stepped away to be true to what I did know. I lost my own way to better follow my conscience.

I’ve said what I had to say. I apologize it took so long. If you made it this far, thanks for listening.

Perhaps now I can rest. I so long for rest. And Peace.

On Gender Inequality in Modern Myths

I am not a scholar of myth, ancient – modern – or in between, nor am I a professional historian, sociologist, or qualified authority on gender. What I am is a keen observer of people and things.

The world is changing.

In my lifetime, I have seen the rapid empowerment of women in my society go from a backswell to a prominent and unignorable fact. In like manner, I have seen the treatment of women in popular culture change radically. When I was a kid, there wasn’t much being said about the lack of female roles, or the lack of gender diversity. Today: it is sneaking in everywhere. And I am not that old.

This battle for gender equality in life and fiction started long before me, though I hope desperately that it may grind itself to a halt in my lifetime. I will be grieved indeed if it does not.

However, my own thinking in this area has undergone change, and sadly I confess that I am not completely there. But lately a few things have caught my attention and have turned the lights on for me. I want to discuss the portrayal of females in popular culture, as well as their roles in popular culture. By portrayal I mean: what they look like. By role I mean: what they do.

Portrayal. It is the stereotype, and still the dominant way of displaying a female within pop culture, as an icon of beauty, of sex, and little else. Personally speaking, I sexually prefer women, and I think the female body is powerfully beautiful in all shapes and sizes. Therefore, for me, it is very hard to separate my personal enjoyment of the female body and the effect that has on my perception of women. Generally speaking, when one objectifies something, it becomes more difficult to see that something for what it really is. When one gets into the habit of recognizing women only for their sex appeal, one has trouble seeing them as people. (I only use women here in this context, because, like I said, I am a person who sexually prefers women. That’s how I understand this paradigm best. I works for men who prefer men, men who prefer women, etc.)

To analogize a bit, I’ll put this in other terms that I am also quite familiar with. I use, and am quite a fan of, Apple products. That is iPhones, iMacs, iPads, iPods ad nauseum. I tend to objectify them, if I am not careful, and hold them up as exemplars of modern technological engineering. In certain cases, Apple has made some fantastic products. Some of them are quite good. But I can tend to see them as objects of beauty rather than what they are: a phone, a computer, a music player, a tablet, and really, when you get down to it, no better at their job than anything any other company makes. In this modern era what any piece of technology is able to do is pretty amazing. My point is that I see my iPod as a gorgeous object for something which merely allows me to experience my music.

Yes, I just compared beautiful women to iPods. I apologize. Please don’t send me hate mail or refuse to have sex with me (simply because of that). I only try to wake up the mind to what I am realizing: women are so much more than just a hot body. They are people, precious souls, and irreplaceable members of human society and advancement.

Consider this picture, a recent comic book cover:

Wonder Woman
Wonder Woman
This is the brand new, Issue #0 reboot of DC Comics’ Wonder Woman from last year, 2012. It tells me three things, visually. One: Wonder Woman has massive breasts. Two: she has a thing for chrome. Three: she can fly? To be clear, that is exactly what I am supposed to notice and in that order. When I first see the comic book, I won’t have time or capacity to read the title. There, staring me in the face, are breasts. Then I see other things, then I read “Wonder Woman” and go “well, yeah”. This is wrong. Wrong. I shouldn’t need to have a massive pair of mammaries thrust in my face for me to be interested in a comic book about a woman. What isn’t wrong is that she is beautiful. That is all well and good. But beauty is skin deep, culturally defined, and transient. What is really important about Wonder Woman? She fights for truth, justice, and gender equality. Her magic lasso makes it impossible for anyone ensnared in it to tell a lie. Wonder Woman fights crime. Wonder Woman, being a powerful woman herself, is very committed to making sure every woman is given respectful treatment. So why show her boobs first?

I’ve been aware of images like that my whole life. It didn’t really bother me or make a dent in my brain until very recently. Sure, I had an intellectual understanding that such comic book covers objectified women and that it was wrong, but it didn’t mean anything to me until this week when I saw another image. This is entitled Miss America and comes from Fan Art Exhibit.

Miss America
Miss America
This is a digital manipulation of a shot of Captain America from the recent Avengers film. Obviously the creator has merged a female body with that of Steve Rogers to give us Miss America. I noticed two things about this picture. One, she has a bare midriff. I have no idea why she also doesn’t have a low cut top and copious cleavage as that seems more standard for female superheroes, but she does have a bare midriff, which is Item No. 2 on the “Make Her Look Uber Sexy” checklist comic book artists apparently have. This is the image that lent a machete to my intellectual thicket. Why the hell would a soldier wear body armor of any type that leaves such a vital (to life) area of the body completely exposed. This makes no sense whatsoever. The “sexy for sexy sake” did not pass the “it makes sense” test for my brain and I short circuited. I could almost buy a super hero like Wonder Woman wearing less than a bathing suit because, usually, she has a Superman level of invincibility. Therefore, armor is irrelevant (even if her wardrobe makes no sense for other reasons). But a genetically enhanced super soldier leaving the gut exposed? No way. And two, why is she called “Miss America”? The artist named her so, but why not Captain America? Captain is a rank and is gender neutral. And then the lights flashed on and I went “Ooooh.”

Don’t judge me too harshly, please. My point here is that society my entire life has been feeding me this idea of women and it is hard to break. By the way, I do want to point out that men have it no better, but it is less kosher to point it out, mostly because, as a society, men still have a majority of the power and influence so it is boorish to whine. But, do walk through a comic shop sometime and see if you can find a realistic looking man on the cover of anything. Go ahead, I dare you. I could not look like Captain America as he usually looks any more than any girl could hope to look like Wonder Woman.

Role. Most women in popular culture are eye candy, the damsel in distress, or non-existent. They exist to look pretty, to be rescued so the man looks heroic, or they simply aren’t there. I really, really enjoy the Lord of the Rings, both in book and film form. Do you know how many females there are in the main cast, in the Fellowship of the Ring? 0. Nine males. How about the Hobbit, how many women in the main group? Yeah, 0 again. There are 13 male dwarves, a male hobbit, and a male wizard. Even in Star Wars the ratio is still 5 to 1. (Han, Luke, Chewie, R2, C-3P0 to Leia). And what does Leia do in the first film? Gets captured by men and gets rescued my men. In the Empire Strikes Back? Gets rescued by men. In Return of the Jedi? Tries to rescue a man, gets punished by way of brass bikini, gets rescued my men and male ewoks. I love Star Wars, but it has a gender equality problem. Only recently, and very slowly, has this changed. Even the mighty Joss Whedon, who elevated women so spectacularly in Buffy the Vampire Slayer, was shackled when he made Avengers because, yep, women were outnumbered on the super hero team 5 to 1. But Joss did what he could and made that one woman one of the most important and smartest of them all. Men break things, men fix things, men are the heroes. That is the message I’ve heard my whole life. And not only does it not make sense, it is stupid, and ignores completely the role women have wrested for themselves at great cost. Even in our long, patriarchal history there were women who did great things and stood high above men, but mostly they are ignored or marginalized. For shame.

How did this happen? That is a very long discussion. But, I blame two things: biology and laziness.

Not to ruffle feathers, but you can’t argue with evolution. The male part of the human species, rather generally, has more muscle mass than does the female part. Way back when we were fighting for evolutionary survival, that mattered. Men led because men could kill more, hunt more, build more simply because they were stronger. And, because all who gain power fear to lose it, once women let men fight for the power, men never gave it up. The majority of societies built since our meager beginnings have been male dominated (to my knowledge). Once we, as a species, kill our predators, kill our food, and build a fire, we like to be entertained. So we tell stories. We are smart, but not that imaginative, so our stories reflect everyday life. They are about warriors, hunters, builders. And, since what we see every day are men in those roles, men take those roles in our stories, our legends, our myths. Hence, laziness.

Since the dawn of history, until now, very rarely have we as a species deigned to allow women into our myths in any significant way, just like in real life. Sadly, it is only recently, and then only a little, that this is changing. Modern comics, tv, film, books are the myths of old retold again and again. Why else is Wonder Woman the lone female member of the Justice League (in popular consciousness) why else is Black Widow the only female member of the Avengers (again, in the popular consciousness, I am vaguely aware that in the comics Wasp was also a founding member)?

Humanity is a species slow to change. It has taken me 25 years. It has taken us millennia. I hope not much longer before women are in power, realistically portrayed, alongside realistic men is simply the way of everyday life and the stuff of legends. I advocate not for a reversal of the binary, but a destruction of it. Men and Women are equal in every way that matters biologically speaking. We should be socially and mythologically as well.

When We Are Alive

When We Are Alive

And just like that, the dark times are over. Oh, not for everyone, not for always, not in nooks and crannies, but light shines through now.

We used our courage, though small and frightened we were, as children staring down giants, we marched them backwards till they became tiny.

Brave we were, are, to confront the terrible face of life, stronger we grow, emerging from the valley. Never more this foe will bring us low.

After all, life is long and short, wild and calm, wonderful and terrible, bright and dark, and so much more lifey than we ever thought possible.

That is why the bitter makes us shudder, the sweet makes us dance, the shadows make us cower, and the brightness makes us roar. Life is dirty.

And life is good, full of things we never expected that make it worth the living. Pain and pleasure are the same, in the end,

when we are so alive.