I am in the middle of taking a week off. I had a few days of vacation time saved up, and decided to take it at the end of the semester, just for me. I have been scattered, distracted, and not feeling like myself. My focus has been nonexistent, my will power has been weak, and I needed a break to come back from the brink.
One thing that has preoccupied my thoughts recently is how things ended with my ex. She cut me off entirely since we parted and won’t talk to me, and not being able to talk to her as I am now, and acknowledge who I was then, has weighed on me more than I would like. I actually don’t need anything from her; I guess she doesn’t need anything from me, either. But I’m a decent enough person to want to apologize.
I opened Instagram before powering up my MacBook to write, and immediately saw a post from Wil Wheaton, former Star Trek: The Next Generation star, and current author and audiobook narrator. He’s someone who I admire greatly, who has been through the worst that life can offer and come out on top. I view him as an older brother in terms of wisdom and who I aspire to be. Wil was talking about a time when he screwed up really badly, and wasn’t able to make it right. The only thing he could do was decide to never do that thing again, and forgive himself. Boy, did that strike a chord with me.
My muse and erstwhile father-figure of sorts, Adam Savage, says something similar in his book Every Tool’s a Hammer, in which he relates a story about when he was hired to build a set for a friend’s student film. Adam totally and royally mis-managed the budget and build, and lost that friend forever. When Adam asked his dad about it, he was told something along the lines of what Wil Wheaton just said: you can’t make it right, but you can determine to never do that again.
I hear what they are saying. I can’t make things right with my ex, but I can determine to never be that person to anyone in the future. And that realization is as if a weight has rolled off my shoulders. Who knows? Maybe someday when we are old and far removed she and I will encounter each other again and have words, but I don’t need that anymore. For the first time in thirteen-ish years, I am at peace about that situation. She can go her way, and I can go mine. I feel light.
This week has been good for a reboot in other ways, too, while not going exactly as planned. I thought I would wake peacefully, maybe read for a while, work on creative projects, and relax with a movie or baseball game in the evening. What I have actually done is attend to a bunch of things that have needed doing. I have also gotten some writing in; I have read a little bit; and I’ve been totally relaxed along the way. This week has allowed me to come back to the core of who I am, which is a lifestyle and a centering, not a set of activities.
Perhaps that is what I have had wrong, and been missing the past few months: a realization that who I am is more important than what I do (in terms of personal activities). I need to be calm, careful, and cognizant each and every moment. That is where my centering and my focus originates from. I can’t control other people and how they feel about me, even if I am being the gentlest and kindest person I know how to be. My will power comes from being mindful, each and every moment. Being able to take a few days from work has helped me to find my calm again, and remember my mindfulness routines.
I do have another two days of break before the weekend and then a return to work, but already I feel that I have “accomplished” what I needed: physical rest and a mental reset. This week wasn’t what I thought, but it’s been exactly what it should have been. I am content.
a simple man 