Covid-19

We are great ones for rushing
where angels fear to tread.
Although now I suppose
they are afraid to infect heaven
with our earthly woes.
Which is why Abram still awaits
his three messengers.
Even in the desert, disease spreads
like so many locusts on the breeze.

I keep hearing about distancing:
one meter, or three feet,
to avoid being walking vectors;
you know, to flatten the curve?
Since when did the news
sound like geometry class?
Ironically, school is out for spring
and possibly summer, too.
All the kid’s dreams are the nightmare.

I read the news, and read my friend’s
faces for hope. All I hear is fear.
My own is so loud it’s a wonder
I can even make out that of a planet
crying for alleviation.
We are all in the same galactic boat,
sailing on black waters.
So, stay in your bunk, and I’ll sway in mine.
Together we’ll arrive at journey’s end.

Look: many have passed into what awaits.
Many more will, too, before this ends.
We never were guaranteed the next sunrise.
It may this that sends us away.
It may be another 70 years before that great
migration of soul and spirit, that grim bus
careening through metaphysical streets reaping.
Continue to look both ways before street crossing.
Lather, rinse, repeat until it’s your time to say goodbye.

So, bring this home…
…which is where we all are anyway.
Where’s the hope, the good news,
the twinkle in the eye to show the mirth?
Is it clear skies and nature’s rebirth,
a global spring in the step
of them what survive?
Maybe. I rather think it’s the small
acts of service and love that will save us all.

Mourning

Tonight
I am mourning
the death of dreams.

I set them away
from the light of day;
I laid them to rest
in a back alley –
discarded pieces.

I’m done with these dreams.
I no longer need them to lull
me away with sweet lullabies.

It doesn’t mean I won’t miss them,
that I didn’t feel
the crunch of disassembled bricks,
that the separations didn’t
reek of screams.

Tonight, a dream died, crying
“Save me”
And I whispered
“No”
Crying.

I’m selling off my LEGO collection. I’m moving in different artistic directions, and my LEGO collection no longer meets my main interests or fulfills me as it once did. I’m saying goodbye to my dreams of building custom LEGO creations. It’s a sad day, and I think appropriately so. It doesn’t mean that I’m making an incorrect decision; there is no right or wrong here. But letting something meaningful go is a death. It’s a separation, an ending. And it is right to mourn such things, to see them off. That’s what this poem is all about: laying dreams to Rest In Peace.

All our lives we are told to chase dreams, and encouraged to achieve them at all costs. We are never told how to lay aside dreams that don’t serve us, or that aren’t achievable. We aren’t taught to mourn the passage of important things in this way, and to reorient ourselves towards what is better, or next. That is a failing. Life is always in motion, and them what can’t move with it are doomed to bitterness. Better to taste the sweetness of what is now, and to be ready to lay it aside for what is next in eagerness, than to chase something you can’t catch.

Today I am watching one dream die, and tonight I will sleep, and see what dreams may come.

Confluence

Just beyond the fence,
where I dump the dog shit,
there is a little ravine.
And beyond that:
railroad tracks.

One goes nowhere,
except down to fertilize;
and the other goes
everywhere out of sight
in either direction.

I like the confluence
of dog shit and railroads.
One is meant for reclamation;
the other about the same,
spray-painted with “ANUS FARTS”.

Eventually we all end up
wasting into the ground
to be reborn into something.
And where the railroad ends?
There the train starts anew.

A Note on Thoughts

A note about the previous post, a poem called “Thoughts”:

Depression is a black bastard and isn’t kind. Even when everything is, otherwise, great and I am celebrating an anniversary with my wife, it is coiled around my heart and has sunk claws into my soul. I can’t escape it. Sometimes all I can do is exercise the demon and express what I’m feeling. The catharsis doesn’t exorcise the demon, unfortunately, but that’s the life I live. Sometimes the petals are rotten and black and the thorns poisoned on the roses I stop to smell, but that’s the life I live.

Actually, sometimes I think I live two lives, one foot in black depression, one foot in the light of normal life, and my heart, soul, and mind split in between the two, forever vacillating. Sometimes I think the light side is really me and the depression the aberration. Sometimes the dark side is completely my life and the light a cruel disease.

At any rate, I am always weary of the struggle. But that’s the life I live.

Hence the poem.

Thoughts

Sitting in the semi
dark, music pumping
in the skulls, I think

(Wish for the same old
same old, same old…)

black thoughts. Rage simmers deep
for all that I’ve gained
for all that I’ve lost.

It’s all the same to me.

I’m older now, and that means
nothing that it should.

My sword rusts from slaying
mist daemons born in
the same acidic rain
that burns through my brain
melting memory and ‘motions.

I’m at the end of myself,
but judging from the rotten
laughing clowns,
maggot faced monsters-
I’m still here,
where I’ve never wanted to be:

sitting with my thoughts.

Rainfall in Winter

I love the smell of rainfall
in winter.
The cold, wet, loaminess;
growth happening
beneath dampening dirt.
Little sprigs of green
between grey snow drifts,
melting drop by drop.
And little shining orbs:
rainwater on fallen leaves
from autumn past.

I breathe deep,
satisfied in my soul.
Rooted deep to earth
through sight, smell
and the mystery of life,
growing gently
in the winter rain.

Into 2020

It is a new year, and a new decade. No surprises there.

I am unhappy with my life as it stands, and I think the only way to change that is to, well, change that.

I suffer from depression, social anxiety, and medication side effects for meds designed to help me with those things. Over all, I am a lot better on my medication than off, but the side effects aren’t usually helpful. Anyway, the depression and social anxiety cloud my mind and heart even with the meds, so it is just something I have to overcome.

Ordinarily, I love to create and make. I build with LEGO. I take pictures of my LEGO and my Star Wars action figures. I color, paint, and draw. I do other sorts of crafts. I write. But, when my depression is strong, I sit and stare at the wall (literally), or endlessly switch between social media apps on my iPad, even though no new content surfaces. I usually like to take pictures outside, but my anxiety flares up and I fear what others may think or how I appear. Taking pictures becomes something I avoid.

What to do? How to combat this? The feelings are often overwhelming.

Well, I will talk to my doctor soon. But beyond that, I want to have something in place I can see before me. An action plan to keep me on track and creating. It can’t be too rigid, or else I will do what I am wont to do and ignore it or just feel like a failure for not measuring up. So, something flexible.

So far this month, January, I get credit for sitting and thinking about my action plan and getting it ready to go. Besides, I haven’t been idle. In 2020 I have written three blog posts on this, my personal blog. I have also finished an audiobook review (to be published soon!) on a professional blog I contribute to, NerdSpan (as PhilRedbeard). I have built a LEGO MOC (My Own Creation), pictures of which are on my Instagram feed. I actually am very accomplished, but I don’t quite feel like.

But feelings aren’t always reflective of progress, and I need to remember that. Oh! That’s good. I might actually print that out and post it above my computer for inspiration, or better yet, paint it on one of the many canvases I now have for a more permanent reminder.

Beyond that, my action plan is shaping up nicely, and it is very simple: each week, Sunday-Saturday, I am to create. That means:

  • Write a blog post.
  • Write a poem or two.
  • Paint something.
  • Take a picture.
  • Build with LEGO.

Rigidity and flexibility. I have 52 weeks in the year, same as anyone else, and, like anyone else, other things happen and I am not just sitting around. But, for each week, I add something to my world that wasn’t there before. I think that is doable.

I also have some larger goals for 2020. Things I have been wanting to do for a long time and want to make progress on. In no particular order:

  • Start a podcast, either solo or with someone.
  • I have two large LEGO builds in mind. Build them.
  • Start and finish a 12 month photography challenge.
  • Build a game.

I already have the beginnings of working on each of these five large projects. Pictures and ideas in my head. I just need to start implementing them.

I am optimistic. That idea above, “feelings aren’t reflective of progress” is huge to me right now. That just hit me as I was writing. I want to run with that idea, maybe make it a motto for 2020. I dunno, I don’t usually do mottos, but then, I don’t usually do new year’s resolutions either. But here I am.

Let’s do this, 2020!

Another Half Decade of Film

A little more than a week ago, I wrote about the first half of this decade in film, and a brief bit about why I appreciated each film. Today I am back to finish the decade.

2015

Furious 7
Avengers: Age of Ultron
Mad Max: Fury Road
Ant-Man
The Martian
Star Wars: The Force Awakens

Furious 7 is not the best Fast and Furious film, but it is the most emotional. Paul Walker died half way through filming, and finished the film through digital wizardry and his brothers’ help as stand-ins. I cannot watch it to this day without tearing up. It is how Leia/Carrie Fisher should have had her send off in Star Wars.

Avengers: Age of Ultron and Ant-Man are both solid entries in the Marvel universe, Ant-Man being funny as hell. Mad Max was the first in it’s series in many years, and the first without Mel Gibson as the star. I didn’t mind Mel being out, and it was a very fun and way more impactful film that I think it meant to be.

The Martian was based on a very popular internet book turned bestseller. (I am actually re-reading it now) and an excellent film starring Matt Damon. It is hard to sum up how The Force Awakens was both widely anticipated and feared at the same time. It was the first Star Wars film since Revenge of the Sith, and given how the prequels messed up, people didn’t want more bad Star Wars films. For my part, I really enjoy it as a solid Star Wars movie. This year had many good movies, but I gotta pick the Martian as my top film from 2015.

2016

Captain America: Civil War
Arrival
Rogue One: A Star Wars Story
Passengers

Holy cow I love 2016’s top films! My only complaint about Civil War is that given the scope of the story, it really should be an Avengers’ film. But I love everything about it. Arrival is based on a Chinese sci-fi novel and it is amazing. It is the most realistic alien encounter film I have ever seen, and the best family drama sci-fi as well.

Passengers is the best of what science fiction should be: a fantastic setting that tells a very human story and contains a horrendous moral dilemma. Chris Pratt and Jennifer Lawrence are incredible. But the movie that wins 2016 is Rogue One. The cast is superb, the story tight and compelling, and the emotional arc is bittersweet. Couldn’t be better and a fantastic Star Wars story. Obviously, my pick for the year.

2017

Logan
Baby Driver
Wonder Woman
Thor: Ragnarok
Star Wars: The Last Jedi

It should be obvious by now that I love superhero films. Anyway, Logan was the first R rated X-Men film, and a very real character drama that happened to be about a superhuman. Such a good, emotional movie. Wonder Woman was the first superhero film entirely about a woman, and like the first Captain America movie was a period war film. I loved that it was set in World War One as it entirely complemented everything that Diana started out opposing in her very black and white world view. I loved Gal Gadot in this role. Thor: Ragnarok switched up the formula of the previous two Thor films and gave audiences a hilarious, wacky and wild thrill ride. I enjoy the everloving hell out of it every time I watch it.

Finally, Baby Driver is a musical masquerading as a car/heist film. Despite having the slimy but ever good Kevin Spacey in it, it is a great action film. Lastly, the Last Jedi proved the sequels could be very good. This Star Wars should have won awards, but the journey of Rey, Luke, and Kylo was piercing and thought provoking. My pick? Last Jedi.

2018

Black Panther
Avengers: Infinity War
Solo: A Star Wars Story
Mission Impossible: Fallout

Black Panther was a truly African film. I love that about it. Everyone that mattered in the story was black, and the film really had some important things to say about race, all the while masquerading as a superhero film. I mean, the final battle was literally staged on an underground railroad. I just wish Samuel L. Jackson could have been in it, or that James Earl Jones could have had a part. Avengers: Infinity War was a total gut punch, but you kind of had to have the Avengers lose before they could rise triumphant, but I didn’t think Marvel actually had the guts to go through with it.

Solo was great. I know many didn’t like it, or feel it was “necessary” but I loved it. Alden Ehrenreich was great as Han. And I always love seeing Chewie. Finally, Fallout was a great Mission: Impossible film. M:I should be about “how could they possibly pull this off” and I felt Fallout was the first to really cash in on that idea since M:I3. But my best from this year has to be Black Panther.

2019

Captain Marvel
Avengers: Endgame
Knives Out

Captain Marvel is Marvel’s first female superhero film and it is great. I love Brie Larson and the movie is very fun. Endgame fully ends the saga began with Iron Man in many more ways than one. Brings everything up from Infinity War and doesn’t cheapen the previous loss at all.

Knives Out was the break out film of the year. I expected it to be good as Rian Johnson, he of Last Jedi, wrote and directed it, but damn was it good. So much fun, so twisty, and just plain fun. But for this year, I have to go with Endgame. It was such a perfect Marvel film, and perfectly wrapped up the previous 22 films. Impossible to pull off and yet.

Let me know your favorite films from this half of the last decade. By the way, I found it really hard to pick an all time favorite from each year, and simply could not for the decade. All the films I highlighted were incredible and fun. Besides, it isn’t always about having just one favorite. Sometimes its ok to have two, or ten. Just enjoy what you enjoy, even if it isn’t what someone else enjoys. After all, the world is big enough for all of us is we share with one another.

A Half-Decade of Film

When the last decade ended, in 2009, I was finishing university studies and about to make a few major life changes. This time around I have much more ability to be reflective and to think about my favorite things from the past year and decade.

To that end, I have complied a list of my most memorable films from each year in this past decade, from 2010-2019. I really enjoy going to the cinema and watching a movie on the “big screen”. Films have a way of moving me out of my normal life and normal concerns and putting me into a new headspace, even if for just a few hours. I suspect that it does the same for most moviegoers.

For my end of decade list, I have a few comments about each film, and then will pick a top film from each year. That will culminate in a top film for the decade. It won’t be easy, considering my list and my tastes. Also, this is only the first five years. The second five will be a second post.

By the way, this is simply my list. Your list may, and probably should, look different. We all love what we love, and in our own ways. In fact, I would love to know your top films from the past decade, or any particular year. Leave a comment and let me know.

2010

Toy Story 3
Iron Man 2
Inception
Scott Pilgrim vs the World
Tron: Legacy
True Grit

Toy Story 3 made me cry. I am not gonna lie. I really thought the toys were going to face their end, and I got choked up. It was an incredible story, and a great ending to the toy’s story. You’ll notice that Toy Story 4 won’t be on my list, and there is a reason for that. I think Toy Story 3 ended things so well. Iron Man 2 and Scott Pilgrim make the cut because I simply enjoy watching them so much. They are just so much fun. Inception is mind bending and fantastic. A great thrilling story that is a mystery at heart. And it has such incredible visuals. What’s not to love?

True Grit is a great character drama, so well cast, and wonderfully done. Tron: Legacy was the first film I saw in 3D, and the spectacle was well worth it. It is also a movie I will watch at almost any time. The music by Daft Punk is spellbinding. Beyond that, I love so many of the lines from the film. Top pick? It’s gotta be Tron: Legacy.

2011

Battle: Los Angeles
Fast Five
X-Men: First Class
Captain America: The First Avenger
Cowboys and Aliens
Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows

I don’t go in for war movies as much as I did when I was younger. The human cost weighs too heavily on my soul. However, Battle:LA is a sci-fi war movie, and thus divorced from the usual “based on actual events”. I love Aaron Eckhart in this movie, and truly find it entertaining. Fast 5 proved that the Fast & Furious franchise could be something enduring, by taking the street racing genre to a heist film. Honestly, people though F&F was done until this movie. X-Men: First Class was the new beginning of X-Men films, and the amazing cast solidified the new series as well worth watching.

Captain America was a true period super hero film, though not the last. After a slight downturn with Thor and Iron Man 2, Marvel needed a hit to take them into Avengers and got it in spades. Many people dislike Cowboys and Aliens, but this is another film that I just really enjoy watching. A straight western, but with aliens, and with James Bond and Han Solo/Indiana Jones. What’s not to love? Finally, Sherlock Holmes with Robert Downy, Jr. I am a huge fan of both, and this film delivered on both in the same way the first Sherlock film did. Top pick? I’m going with Captain America on this one.

2012

Cabin in the Woods
Skyfall
Avengers
The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey

Horror is not my genre, but then Cabin in the Woods isn’t straight horror. It is a blood soaked love letter to horror with zombies (sort of). Anyway, I just really, really love it. Plus, its by Joss Whedon and I enjoy most of his cinematic work. This feels like a spiritual end to both Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel. Skyfall is one of my favorite James Bond films. It to me is classic Bond. I have been a Tolkien fan since the first Lord of the Rings film was announced, and I think this Hobbit film was a great adaptation. Also, the 3D High Frame Rate was completely breathtaking and immersive.

Avengers was the culmination of everything since Iron Man, and successfully blended five movies and six heroes into an ensemble film that was the best of all that had come before. Now that the Avengers saga that began in 2008 is mostly over, people forget what a huge deal Avengers was at the time. I saw this movie in theaters more than any other film to date (surpassing 2008’s Dark Knight). Top pick: Avengers.

2013

Iron Man 3
Much Ado About Nothing
The Wolverine

Only three films really captured me in 2013, not to say that I didn’t enjoy others. Iron Man 3, a Christmas film, really carried on the legacy of Avengers while truly being about Tony Stark and not Iron Man. There are so many things I enjoy about it. Much Ado About Nothing was the little project that Joss Whedon did in between shooting Avengers and editing Avengers. I enjoy Shakespeare and this is Shakespeare done extremely well. The Wolverine is a solid entry into the Hugh Jackman/Wolverine story. I like it because it explores Wolverine without his signature healing powers. Imagine creating a super hero, and then taking away his powers? Yeah, this went there. Top pick: Iron Man 3.

2014

X-Men: Days of Future Past
Dawn of the Planet of the Apes
Guardians of the Galaxy
Hobbit: Battle of the Five Armies

Days of Future Past is an excellent, compelling story. The future X-Men go into the past to fix a mistake made by the past X-Men, but this isn’t a standard time travel flick. Both the old and new X-Men casts unite, and I love so much about this film. Best scene is young and old Charles Xavier having a conversation. It was an amazing trailer moment and incredible in the film. I cannot say enough about Andy Serkis and his work as Caesar the Ape in the latest Planet of the Apes films. This is my top one in that trilogy and the one I most often watch again.

Guardians of the Galaxy…Are you kidding me? What a gamble at the time, and what a hilarious, heartfelt, and fun movie. Yes. Yes. Yes. We. Are. Groot. Battle of Five Armies always makes me cry at the end. Always. From the death of Thorin to Bilbo’s farewell. It isn’t the best adaptation, but by the time I get there, I don’t care. Top pick? Guardians of the Galaxy.

There are the first five years of the decade. I will pick up with 2015 and the last five in my next post. Thanks for reading, and again, let me know what your picks would be.